complacent after they've bedded a woman. It's as if they believe that once they've "gotten" her, most of their obligation to be attentive has ended. That's simply not the case. Guys, no woman expects you to give her your complete, undivided attention 24 hours a day. But you do need to let her know that her happiness and well-being are high priorities to you. And I'm not just talking about sex, though of course sexual attention is certainly part of the package. I'm also talking about the little everyday things, such as getting up to get her a blanket when you notice she seems cold, or offering to give her a neck rub when she seems tense, or just sitting down with her and asking her how her day went. Just remember that when you're focusing, focus completely on her. Turn off the TV, put down your magazine, look in her eyes, and pay attention to her. Even a little bit of concentrated, focused attention will go a long way with her. But be sure to make it a regular habit.
4. To be listened to. This is related to focus, and it's very important. It's so often a problem in relationships, however, because men and women have different listening styles. As I mentioned in earlier chapters, men have a tendency to want to provide solutions when someone talks to them about problems or concerns. Women, however, very often talk about their problems just to unload. They aren't necessarily seeking advice; the simple act of letting it out is therapeutic enough for them. Keep this in mind when you're listening to your woman. Give her your undivided attention, don't interrupt her, and don't offer advice unless she specifically asks for it. Simple as this may sound in theory, the man who truly knows how to listen to women is a rare man indeed. More than likely he's also a man who will never lack for female attention. If you learn how to listen to your woman, you will be fulfilling one of her most crucial relationship needs.
Men's Basic Emotional Needs.
Science has made many exciting discoveries in recent years. Previously unknown species of plants and animals have been uncovered in remote corners of the world. Evidence has been found of possible life on Mars. And, most amazingly, science has discovered that men have feelings too! Men still may not be as open as women about expressing their emotions, but the feelings are there, and it's important that women be aware of what goes on in the male psyche.
We've established that in an intimate relationship, a woman needs the support of a man in order to have her emotional needs fulfilled. Ladies, the best way to ensure that he'll be there for you is for you is to be there for him. Let's take a closer look at ways you can keep the seduction alive by meeting his four most basic emotional needs.
1. Acceptance of him just the way he is. This is your man's number-one emotional need in your relationship. I can't count the number of times I've listened to a man complain that his female partner wants to change him. Usually this trait doesn't show up too strongly when the relationship is new, but as time goes on, the woman finds more and more little things about him that she wishes he would change. Maybe she doesn't like the way he dresses, or the way he wears his hair, or the decor in his apartment, or the company he keeps. Whatever it is she thinks he needs to change, one message comes across loud and clear to him: He's not okay the way he is, and she knows what's best for him. This is just plain insulting. It will make your man self-conscious or resentful, or both. That's hardly the basis for a long-term seduction. If you can't accept a guy the way he is from the time you first meet him, it's not going to get any better. You're not going to be able to change him, so just move on and find someone who meets your standards. On the other hand, if you do think your man is wonderful as he is, never stop finding ways to tell him and show him how you feel.
2. Sexual fulfillment. If your man doesn't satisfy your needs for romance and affection, you're probably going to be a less than enthusiastic sexual partner. Similarly, if you're not satisfying his desire for hot, passionate sex, he may not be too motivated in the romance department. Sexual fulfillment is high on most guys' priority lists. As you probably know by now, when I talk about sexual fulfillment, I don't mean that a man just needs to have orgasms. He also needs to know he is satisfying you. So let him know he's a terrific lover, and let him know often.
3. To be admired, respected, and appreciated. A man doesn't only want acceptance; he also wants—and needs—respect, admiration, and appreciation. He needs to know you like and respect who he is. He thrives on knowing you are as proud of him as he is of you. He also has a very great need to know, through your words and actions, that you appreciate his efforts to please you.
4. For a woman to be his companion and confidante. A man needs you to be an intimate friend as well as a sex partner. First of all, he wants you to be someone he can have fun with outside of the bedroom as well as in it. This means you need to share at least some of his recreational needs and outside interests. But there's more to being his friend than being a great playmate. In Chapter 5, I mentioned how important it is for a man to know that his woman will keep his confidences. He absolutely must know that you aren't spilling the details of your intimate encounters to your best friend, or gossiping about his financial woes to your mom. Most men still have a difficult time opening up to their male friends the way that we women open up to our female friends. You may be the only friend to whom he feels he can reveal his true self. That's a precious gift he's giving you, so don't abuse it.
As different as men and women are, in many ways we're very much alike. All of us have certain basic emotional needs in a relationship, needs that transcend gender. These include:
• Trust. You can't be happy in a relationship with someone you don't trust. But it must be a two-way street; you have to be trustworthy as well.
• Respect. In order to be truly happy in the relationship, the two of you must respect each other (and yourselves, too).
• Like. Love and lust are wonderful, but you have to like each other, too, in order for the relationship to be happy in the long run.
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