Ask the Love Coach
Let's face it: a man is generally happy within a relationship if his woman is happy; conversely, if she's miserable, so is he. Why is this? Well, for one thing, we women are more likely to express our relationship discontent to our partners directly via complaining; whereas a man who's unhappy is more likely to grin and bear it, or simply withdraw. When a woman expresses her unhappiness, it makes her partner unhappy in turn, mainly because you men feel it's your job to please us. If we're not pleased, you feel you've failed somehow. If we are happy, you feel that you're a success.
Men, I don't want to imply that you are completely responsible for your woman's happiness. Happiness comes from within a person; it is not something that is bestowed upon her or him by someone else. No matter how much you care for your partner, you can't make her happy if she hasn't already gotten a good start on the process. But I can tell you that if you meet her basic emotional needs, she will be happy with you, and she will bend over backwards (in a manner of speaking) to make you happy with her in return. Here are four of her most compelling requirements for happiness in an intimate relationship:
1. Emotional security. No matter how independent she is, a woman still looks to her intimate partner for emotional security. You don't have to make a lifelong commitment to a woman in order to meet her essential need for emotional security, but you do have to make her feel emotionally safe with you. For a woman, there are many facets to emotional security. For example, she needs to feel that:
• You find her more attractive than any other woman
• You're truly glad you are with her
• You will respect the confidentiality of your relationship
• To some degree, she is supported emotionally—for instance, by knowing that you'll be there to hold her, stroke her, or otherwise comfort her when she has a down day.
If you meet her need for emotional security, the relationship will be much more fulfilling than you might ever have imagined for both of you.
2. Affection and romance. For the average woman, affection is a necessary prerequisite to enjoyable sex. One obvious way to express affection is by touching her. In fact, most women need touching not just in a sexual way, but in a caring and tender way. A woman loves to be touched by her man just for the sake of being touched; not only does this give her sensual pleasure, but it adds to that all-important sense of emotional security. As for romance, well, you guys know what suckers we women are for that. Give your woman a daily dose of romance, and I bet she will be more than willing to give you all the passionate sex you could ask for.
Many women complain that their guys "just don't get it" about nonsexual touching. Terri, for example, would Occasionally ask her husband Josh to give her a shoulder rub at the end of a Pong day, ,lBut once T would start to respond to the pleasure of his touch/ she said, "he'd take that as a cue that I wanted to jump into bed immediately, if i let him know I reairy didn't feel like having sex at die moment, he would pout and imply I was being a tease."
The solution to Terri and Josh's problem was simple once Josh learned how important nonsexual touching is to a woman. In fact, with Terrfs gentle ericouragement, he learned that touching just for the sake of it wai also quite pleasure I; le to him. Now they're more affectionate than ever with each other, and, to Jojh'j deJight, the sex ft better than ever too. Paradoxical at it may seem, a woman whose man has truly learned the art of touching outside of the bedroom will be much more passionate in the bedroom.
3. Your undivided attention. No matter how long you've been with a woman, there are times when she needs you to focus on her completely. This isn't usually a problem for you guys in the early, pursuit stages of a relationship, particularly before you've gone to bed with her. Sadly enough, however, many men become
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