Ask the Love Coach

The Talker complementary or even challenging. It's not nearly as important to agree with what is being said as it is to show that the words of this individual have been thought-provoking to you.

Just became you don't completely agree with another's opinion doesn't me&n you shouldn't engage that person Jn conversation, However, never provoke or argue for argument's sake. Good, healthy debate is one thing—but nobody likes to feel put on the spot-

Heart Brakfii

Just became you don't completely agree with another's opinion doesn't me&n you shouldn't engage that person Jn conversation, However, never provoke or argue for argument's sake. Good, healthy debate is one thing—but nobody likes to feel put on the spot-

As a matter of fact, you may find that, by sharing a different point of view, you have piqued the person's interest in you. You don't want to outright challenge the validity of the other person's ideas, but, by giving the person an opportunity to explain his or her opinions, you open the door to a truly meaningful exchange, which can be very exciting.

The Observer

What if the other person is, like yourself, observing silently? Do you just sit there, staring at each other? Hardly. Try looking closely at the other person's body language, sense of style, and all those other subtle things that can serve as clues to what another person is all about. You don't have to be psychic to determine what a person's spirit is like. You just have to be willing to look past your own immediate desires and trust your own powers of observation. For example:

• Notice the person's facial expressions as he or she looks at the people around both of you. Does the person seem amused by other people's behavior or put off by it? This minute observation can tell you a lot about how an individual feels about others, and may give you ideas how to approach this person. Suppose, for example, you see your intended looking with amusement at a bickering couple across the room. You can sidle up to him or her and whisper something off-the- wall such as, "We'd better stand back. They're just warming up for their audition for the Jerry Springer Show."

• Notice the person's body language and general demeanor. You can tell a lot about a person just by his or her posture and general behavior. Does this person exude an aura of confidence, or does he or she seem shy, or perhaps defensive? Temper your approach accordingly. (We'll talk more about body language in Chapter 11.)

• Notice the person's style of dress, and how it correlates to his or her general demeanor. Let's say you see someone who is dressed very conservatively—in a business suit, for example—and he or she is acting silly and making funny gestures. Maybe this means that this individual is well-balanced and has a multifaceted personality. You could approach such a person by showing appreciation for his or her silliness, or by sharing your own perspective on the need to keep a sense of balance between career and the other aspects of life.

Developing and using your powers of observation is not only a useful tool for tailoring your approach to someone; it's also an icebreaker in and of itself. One client of mine, Jeff, has been known to initiate conversations with women he's interested in by spontaneously describing a complete life story—fabricated on the spur of the moment—for people he doesn't even know, but who just happen to be walking by. The effect is often hilarious and quite endearing. Just ask Elizabeth, his current girlfriend.

"I was standing by myself at a reception," she says, "when suddenly Jeff, whom I'd never seen before, just walked up to me and struck up a conversation. He said, "See the guy over there in the blue suit? Why do you suppose he looks so irritable?' And then Jeff went into this long spiel about how the guy's girlfriend had dumped him for another woman, and the guy had also gotten fired from his job as a designer of computer-controlled pooper scoopers, because one of the models he'd designed had a tendency to consume small dogs. So he had to fall back on his multi-level-marketing gig selling edible underwear, but then the FDA discovered the underwear contained an additive that aggravates male pattern baldness, and now he's being sued by all of the friends, family members, and other relatives that he suckered into buying the product. It was a completely off-the-wall story that Jeff just made up as he went along." Elizabeth was so charmed by Jeffs crazy intro that she agreed to go out for coffee with him after the reception. They've been dating for three months now.

Ask the Love Coach

According to Neuro-Lingujitlc Programming (NLP), there are three principal ways in which people proems information—visual, auditory, and kinesthetic or tactile. Everyone uses all three modes, but most people have one that's dominant. What does this mean to you, as a potential seductress or seducer? It means you can determine just how to push the right buttons on that penon who's caught your eye, A visual person, for example, is likely to be attracted by your lookt An ¿udrtoiy person tends to be captwabed by the sound of your voice and by what you sny. A kinesthetic person is warmed or tujincd On by your touch.

Ask the Love Coach

According to Neuro-Lingujitlc Programming (NLP), there are three principal ways in which people proems information—visual, auditory, and kinesthetic or tactile. Everyone uses all three modes, but most people have one that's dominant. What does this mean to you, as a potential seductress or seducer? It means you can determine just how to push the right buttons on that penon who's caught your eye, A visual person, for example, is likely to be attracted by your lookt An ¿udrtoiy person tends to be captwabed by the sound of your voice and by what you sny. A kinesthetic person is warmed or tujincd On by your touch.

Vou can determine which category your prospective lover falls into by noticing verbal and body language cues. For example, visual people tend to talk about how a situation "looks" to them, auditory folks disculs how it sounds," and those of a kinesthetic nature speak of how it "feels," There are other cues, boo fa kinesthetic person may like to touch others a lot during conversation; an auditory person might give clues that he Or she is really into music).

What you're going to discover, as you begin to put these suggestions into practice, is that the list of acceptable approaches is as long as the list of people you may want to approach. We're not all cookie-cutter reproductions of each other—we are each unique individuals, and your approach must be individual too. There's no single "right" method. The real secret is in being observant and keeping your own intent clear and clean.

Continue reading here: Looking Interested Not Desperate

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