Maintaining the Intrigue Setting the Stage for Next Time

Okay, so you've at least feigned an attempt to keep a rein on your enthusiasm and your passion. You've convinced yourself that you're behaving in a mature manner, and that you have looked at the situation as objectively as you can at this point. Now that all the mature stuff is out of the way, you want to focus on making sure that the incredible excitement you have shared isn't a one-time thing.

At one time, the argument against premarital sex was that people "didn't buy the cow when the milk was free." Actually, this admonition was mainly directed to women, as a means of persuading them to withhold "the milk" from men until after marriage. At any rate, while this is no longer the prevalent attitude, it does highlight the validity of maintaining some mystique, even mystery, as a means of keeping a relationship interesting.

Now, I'm not talking about deceiving your partner. That kind of behavior, as I've stressed throughout this book, is inconsistent with the delicious seduction of the new millenium. But, to keep your partner interested, you will want to leave him or her with some questions, retaining a little bit of mystery about yourself.

Ask the Love Coach

Jf you are interested in someone, it oniy m^k« sense to express it, but ycu don't neeessarriy have to tell1 this individual everything you k feeling. Recall, for example, a time when you were absolutely fascinated and enthralled with another pe^on, and it seemed that the interest was mutual. Remember how mirth energy you would put into wandering if the oth er person's feelings were as intense as your own? Car» you remember how excited you would get when the other person gave you little hints that his or her feelings might rninroi your own, yet how deeply you craved some real, concrete confirmation instead of just hinli? Maintaining that air of mystery will make your relationship much more exciting. sexy, and seductive than spelling everything out for your partner.

Ask the Love Coach

Jf you are interested in someone, it oniy m^k« sense to express it, but ycu don't neeessarriy have to tell1 this individual everything you k feeling. Recall, for example, a time when you were absolutely fascinated and enthralled with another pe^on, and it seemed that the interest was mutual. Remember how mirth energy you would put into wandering if the oth er person's feelings were as intense as your own? Car» you remember how excited you would get when the other person gave you little hints that his or her feelings might rninroi your own, yet how deeply you craved some real, concrete confirmation instead of just hinli? Maintaining that air of mystery will make your relationship much more exciting. sexy, and seductive than spelling everything out for your partner.

Though you don't want to keep another person dangling in suspense by simply withholding all the minute details of what is on your mind—and in your heart—you can keep interest piqued and the object of your desire coming back for more.

For example, say that you've been seeing someone that you find exciting, interesting, and generally a lot of fun to be with. You really look forward to the next opportunity to spend time together, and wish that there weren't any limits on the time the two of you share. Over coffee one afternoon, your partner starts talking about possibly taking a weekend trip together, and you feel your heart racing with excitement at the idea.

If you were to be totally honest, you might jump out of your chair and scream, "Yes! I'd love to go!" And your partner would be pleased. If you chose to play a game, and be deceitful, you could respond with some noncommittal statement such as, "Well, I don't know. I'll have to check my work schedule to see if my father needs me to help with his taxes," or something of the sort. Your partner wouldn't know whether the idea sounded good to you or not, and would probably suspect that you were searching for some excuse not to go. Most likely he or she would assume that you were either not interested, or that you were playing a game. Either possibility would hardly be conducive to an issuing of subsequent invitations.

Faced with the same situation, you could smile thoughtfully, look into your partner's eyes, and respond with something such as, "Hmm. That might be kind of fun." This response is honest enough to show that you are interested, yet it will leave some mystery as to the depth of that interest. You will have been encouraging, while retaining a bit of mystique about your feelings. In essence, you will have given your partner an emotional appetizer, which will encourage his or her desire for the whole meal. This form of benign enticement is what "mystique" is all about.

Best of all, you have maintained your integrity in the relationship, because you haven't misled your partner or given any false signals. You're still seducing him or her by keeping a spark of intrigue, while simultaneously maintaining your integrity (which is an art in and of itself, within the bigger art of building a good relationship). As long as your intent is clear and your motivations are clean, it isn't quite the balancing act that it seems on the surface. When you are acting from a place that is concerned with your partner's well-being as well as your own, the easiest thing for you to do in any given situation is to act in a way that doesn't hurt either of you. And acting in such a manner is the essence of delicious seduction.

> Neatly everybody ha* self-doubts and Insecurities after making love with a new partner for the first time, but if there's true chemistry between you, your partner Will put your doubb to rest in some way. Meanwhile, you can help yourself with

> Buyer's remote isn't necessarily the end of the affair; it is a natural part of the coming-down process after making love, and it will probably pass.

V Don't feel obligated to make any big decisions about a relationship after you'w

> if you honestly feel you don't want to see the person again, be honest but

> If you want to continue the relationship beyond the first love ma king, you need

V- Maintaining a slight air of mystery and intrigue is not deception; it is just a part

Chapter 20

Keeping It Intriguing:Understanding Needs Beyond the Bedroom

In This Chapter

V- The never-ending seduction

>■ Women's and men's most significant emotional needs ^ Collecting souvenirs of your journey together >- Creating adventures together >- Preparing a feast for your senses ^ More ways (besides the obvious) to get physical

You've seduced—or been seduced by—someone in the most delicious way. The two of you have had your night to remember, filled with passion and laughter and everything else that makes a new relationship so exciting and wonderful. You've even survived your morning after. Some big questions that lingered in both your minds have been answered, and you're ready to move on to what are, perhaps, even bigger questions. Maybe you haven't yet decided that you're soul mates, but you do know that whatever it is that's between the two of you is far more than a one-night stand.

So, now that you feel confident in your desire for and interest in each other, the seduction part is over, right? Well, let me tell you a secret that too many people discover only after finding themselves alone again, their once promising relationship reduced to nothing but memories: The seduction never ends. When it ends, so does the excitement of the relationship, and, perhaps, the relationship itself.

Admittedly, you can't forever sustain the sheer excitement that is the earmark of a brand new relationship. But you can do more than you might have ever imagined to keep the fires of interest and passion burning white-hot. How? First of all, you must meet your partner's needs outside of the bedroom as well as in it. Second, you need to continually bring new experiences into your relationship in order to keep it exciting for both partners. No relationship comes with a lifetime guarantee, but I can tell you this for certain: Whether your relationship lasts for only one summer or for several decades, you will never regret putting your all into making your time together as pleasurable as possible for both of you.

Like any frying thing, a relationship must be nurtured and tended to constantly in order for it to stay healthy, You can't jurt assume the relationship will take care of itself once you've gone to bed together. That sort of complacency fs a sure path to boredom and burnout, rf you want the relation! hip to continue past those first passionate encounters (or if you want to revive a long-term relationship that has Post some of its zingj, you must ensure that you and your partner meet each other's needs outside of the bedroom a? well as in it You need to keep seducing each other on air fe^ls-physical, intellectual, and emotional.

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