Popping the Question No Not That One Silly Asking Someone for a Date

The hows, the whens, and the wherefores of asking someone out are as varied as the situations in which you will find yourself when you get around to asking (or being asked). To attempt to detail the circumstances and their appropriate dialogs would fill a library. For that reason, I'm not going to go too far into the details.

What I will do is remind you that your intent, and your state of emotional attachment to the outcome of the encounter, are the most important factors in determining your success.

• Your intent: If you know that your intent toward the other person is good, and that you aren't trying to take something he or she might not be willing to give, you will feel much more at ease asking for a date, because you won't be trying to hide anything. You will be seen as an equal, who wants only to share a pleasant experience with another person. You will come across as a delicious seducer, who promises to enrich the other person's life, even if only for an evening. If, on the other hand, your intent is less than benevolent, the other person is sure to perceive you as a malicious seducer—one who makes others feel like prey facing a predator—and will run like heck.

• Your emotional state: Again, the key lies in being interested, not desperate or needy. If you are a joyful person to be with, and your main motive for asking someone out is simply to share some of your joy—even if only for one evening—you will be naturally alluring.

On the other hand, if you ask someone out with the feeling that your well-being hinges on his or her response, you'll be hiding all of your other, good qualities behind a cloud of neediness. The result of such an approach is rejection, along with the reinforcement of the self-doubt that you already feel and project. Seduction will then be only a wished-for dream.

As you can see, the most important factor in approaching a member of the opposite sex is your own state of mind. Rather than polishing up the words you plan to say, concentrate on appreciating the value of who you are and what you have to offer. Get a clear understanding and acceptance of what you can and should expect from another person in a relationship, and do your best to communicate that understanding.

Nothing is more seductive than a person who has much to offer, is willing and able to share it, and doesn't put a high price on the sharing. Achieve this level of self-confidence, and you'll never need a book or a coach to help you find happiness in relationships again.

> Don't waste your time trying to tome up with a dever pickup line; instead, focus on what's unique about the person you're trying to attract, and tailor your

^ There's a difference between communicating desire and communicating needi-

>■ it's perfectly okay for a woman to ask a man out, but she needs to handle the

V You can avoid the buddy syndrome, or the platonic trap, by sending out the

> Jf your intent is benevolent and your entire well-being doesn't hinge on the outcome of one evening, you shouldn't have any trouble getting someone to

Chapter 11

Romantic Signals: How to Read Them and How to Give Them

In This Chapter

> Reading what his of her body language fs really saying

> Eye contact as a tool or a weapon

> How to make your own body language communicate effectively V The magic of touching

Without even opening your mouth, you speak volumes to the people around you. The way you stand and sit, your facial expressions, and even the way you position your arms and legs serves to communicate your mood or attitude. And of course, the people all around you are busily conveying their own nonverbal messages to you and anyone else who's paying attention.

Although most of us normally use such nonverbal forms of communication quite unconsciously, we can learn to modify the silent signals we send out. This is useful whether you're attempting to seduce that gorgeous man or woman you just met, or you're trying to close a business deal. I'm not suggesting you try to "lie" with your body language, just that you learn to observe what you're communicating. That way you can address—and, if necessary, modify—your attitudes. Similarly, you can learn to read the nonverbal messages of others around you.

This chapter will help you become more observant of body language in other people and in yourself. It will also help you ensure that what your body is saying is consistent with what you really feel. Realize, of course, that this is general information, and some of the nuances we discuss may vary from person to person, and culture to culture. Since this is not the forum for a detailed discussion of international body language, however, we'll stick to basic principles that apply to most contemporary Western cultures.

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The Power Of Charisma

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