Take That Fear andTransform It

The basic animal act of sex comes more or less easily and naturally to our species, as it does to most species. That's part of nature's plan. The fine art of lovemaking, however, is more complicated. Even if you're not obsessed with arbitrary standards of sexual performance or physical beauty, it's quite natural to have some anxiety about being a good lover. And it's perfectly normal to be nervous before making love with someone for the first time. If you have a good honest relationship with your partner, the two of you can dilute some of your fears simply by talking about them with each other.

Practicing positive self-talk is also helpful. Self-talk, as you may recall from Chapter 4, is the little voice in your head that constantly makes judgments about you and the world around you. Self-talk is really nothing more than a series of thoughts, and, since thoughts create feelings, you can change your feelings by changing your thoughts. With conscious effort, you can redirect any negative thoughts into positive ones. If you consciously and constantly tell yourself that what you're feeling is excitement about the upcoming seduction, and not fear, you just may end up convincing yourself.

After all, your body really doesn't know the difference between anxiety and excitement. Both emotions cause many of the same physiological reactions, such as increased heart rate and more rapid breathing. It's up to your mind to make the interpretations, and you have the power to direct your mind. In fact, with a little practice, you might be surprised at how easy it really is to turn your anxiety back into excitement.

The Least You Need to Know

It's natural to feel anxiety and fear as well as excitement before making love with someone the first time.

Men and women have many of the same fears about sex, butthe/re manifested in different ways.

Don't be influenced by media depictions of sex; perfect sex only happens in movies and romance novels.

If you think of the iirit three times you have sex as being like warm-up games before the season begins, you won't feil so much pressure to make the first time flawless.

Chapter 17

Tonight's the Night: Lovemaking 101

In This Chapter

>■ Knowing when it's "time" (and who gets to decide)

>- Making the first move

>■ Handling last-minute jitters

>- Lovemaking—from delicious build-up to afterglow

In This Chapter

>■ Knowing when it's "time" (and who gets to decide)

>- Making the first move

>■ Handling last-minute jitters

>- Lovemaking—from delicious build-up to afterglow

Even though you have used your delicious creativity to make the experience of "getting there" exquisitely sweet for both of you, you've always known that sooner or later you would want to actually get there. And now here you are at last, on the verge of making love with your partner for the very first time.

Making love is what this chapter, and the next one, are all about. I'm going to share with you some tips to help you make the most of the explosive chemistry that has brought you to this point. In years of working with clients I conducted several detailed surveys about men's and women's most powerful sexual turnons and turnoffs. (The top-ten lists are in my book Cracking the Love Code.) The information in this chapter and the next, was gleaned from those surveys, and from ongoing feedback from clients of all ages and levels of experience.

Ask the Love Coach

So, you think tonight is going to !>e tf» night, (or today's going to be the day, as the case may be) and you're having another bout with those p re-game jitters that we talked about in Chapter 16? Nervousness just before the fact is certainly normal, but there are many ways you can psych yourself Up for that fat time. The initiaJ step is to relax. Whether you meditate, take a long bubble bath, or just sit in a darkened room and listen to music, make some quiet time for yourself. As you become more relaxed, begin thinking ses<y thoughts, Call on your most steamy fantasies, or go back to the exercise in Chapter 7, If you're a woman, do the exercise, and if you're a man, envision your partner doing this exercise, standing naked before her mirror and getting herself prepared for you. Also remember that your partner probably has the jitters too, and the two of you can help each other over the hump (in rj manner of speaking!).

Getting Started: When...and How?

Many of my clients have asked me, "When is the best time in a relationship to begin having sex?" Surveys I have taken with my clients revealed that the average couple has their first sexual encounter on the third date. I believe that for most people, this is way too soon to have sex. So when should the first time be? There is no absolute "best" time for everyone; each couple is different. It may sound simplistic to say, "When it feels right, do it," but if you have taken care of the necessary details we talked about in earlier chapters, and all systems are "go," the two of you really are the best judges of the right time.

The Woman Says "When"

When it comes right down to it, the woman should be the one who actually chooses the time of the first encounter. This is simply because during the sex act, the woman has to open up and receive a man, physically as well as emotionally. In a sense, she is in a more submissive role (even if she's on top). Therefore, feeling safe is more of an issue for women than it is for men. If a woman doesn't feel safe with a man, she may end up having sex with him, but her responses will be stunted, and it will not be a very pleasurable experience for her.

Making the First Move.

A client of mine named Christy shares a delightful story of spontaneous sex and perfect timing. She and her boyfriend Paul had been dating for several weeks and decided to take a trip together. Even though they knew each other quite well, and had discussed safe-sex issues to their mutual satisfaction, they hadn't had sex yet. They had a tacit understanding that the relationship was headed in that direction, but Christy wasn't sure she was quite ready. They agreed, therefore, that they would have separate rooms on their trip so there would be no pressure. The first night, they shared some intense kissing and fondling, but Christy got cold feet, so they ended up staying in their separate rooms. The next day they decided to go on a picnic. Christy put on a sundress, and underneath it, she wore nothing but a skimpy little pair of panties.

As they got into their Jeep, they began kissing passionately. Paul slid his hand up Christy's dress, feeling the little lace panties but not going any further. Christy was beginning to get very turned on again, but was still somewhat hesitant. So they headed out to the little country store near their motel to buy their picnic provisions, fondling each other along the way. Once inside the store, Christy slipped into the restroom, and it was then that she made up her mind to take control of the seduction. She pulled off her panties and put them in her purse, knowing full well this seductive gesture would send a clear message to Paul that it was time. Then she rejoined Paul, they finished their shopping, and off they went in the Jeep.

Heart Brakes

Guys, most women are really turned □IT by an ambiguous approach. Not ■only does it give them the feeling that the man really doesn't know what he wants, but it makes them doubt their attractiveness to him. An assertive approach—not to be conftjsed with an aggressive one!— spells competence to a woman. And women, if you're indecisive in making your move, you'll confuse him, o r he might interp ret your actions as coyness or teasing, which he'll probably resent Be assertive (without being pushy), and even if he's not quite ready, he'll be flattered by your obvious desire for him.

They drove for a half-hour or so, until they reached a wooded area by a creek, a perfect little spot to have a picnic. Paul parked the Jeep and was starting to gather up the food when Christy said, "Stop. I have something I want to talk to you about." All at once, she got up and straddled him right there in the Jeep, and began kissing him intensely. He slid his hand up under her dress and found that those little lace panties were gone. They took each other .right there, and it was one of the most passionate lovemaking experiences either one of them had evernad. After that, there were no more separate rooms.

Women, if you feel safe and you feel ready—and particularly if you know he's ready—there's no reason not to make that first move. Christy is very glad she did, and so, as you might imagine, is Paul.

If you've read this far in the book, you probably know that these days, it really doesn't matter who makes the first move, as long as someone makes it.

Just remember that "it takes two," so pay close attention to the other person's reactions, and act accordingly.

• For women: If you and your partner have taken care of all of the rational details, such as safe sex and birth control, and if you truly feel emotionally safe with this man and sexually attracted to him—then go for it! Make that bold first move. More than likely, he'll be thrilled. Remember, though, that he has as much of a right to say, "No, not yet," as you do. Pay attention to his cues, and if he's not ready, back off for now.

• For men: If you're going to make the first move, be assertive, but pay close attention to your partner's response. If she's not ready, don't push her. Remember that it should be up to the woman to ultimately say when. Emotional safety is a big issue for women, and if you pressure her into having sex before she is truly ready, the experience will be diminished for both of you.

Continue reading here: Relax Its Not a Competition

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