The Least You Meed to Know

V- Driesmj and fantasy can be powerful tools to heighten sexual tension.

>■ A woman can increase her seductweness to a man by being subtfe and spontaneous, and by concentrating or> her own unique visual appeal.

>■ A man can increase his seductive appeal to a woman by paying attention to atmosphere, appreciating her physical beauty, and creating a sense that he wants to savor each moment rather than simply rush into sex,

> A delicious seduction ij an entire experience, not just a single act

For HIS Eyes Only

Women love to hear sincere compliments about their beauty from a man to whom they're attracted, This works out well, because most men, in the early pursuit stages of a relationship, find that complimenting their partners comes quite naturally. But don't just move the compliments for the early stages; a woman likes continual reminders of her attractiveness. She'll nevier tire of knowing you appreciate her beauty, and that you don't take it—Or her—for granted.

Chapter 16 Pre-Game Jitters

So you've made the decision to seduce your partner, and "Will we or won't we?" is no longer a question of "if," but just a matter of "when." If you're like most people, you're experiencing some mixed emotions now. For most of us, the interval leading up to that first lovemaking is characterized not only by an exquisite feeling of excitement, but also by anxiety and even fear. No matter how self-confident or experienced you are, no matter how well you know your partner, no matter how sure you are that you are doing the right thing, that "time before the first time" can be as scary as it is exhilarating.

If it's any comfort, your partner will most likely be experiencing those pre-game jitters too.

All of this, of course, is perfectly normal. Whether you're a man or a woman, it's only human to feel nervous before becoming intimate with someone. Many fears are coming into play, including that most basic one: fear of the unknown. So although it may be true that "getting there is half the fun," it's also true that the process of getting there isn't entirely fun.

In this chapter, we'll talk about some of the most prevalent fears of men and women. They're really not all that different from each other; they're just manifested in different ways. We'll also discuss some of the fears shared by both sexes. Facing up to your fears allows you to put them in perspective, thus preventing them from putting a damper on your excitement and anticipation. And once you've moved past these fears, you are well on your way to a delicious seduction.

Traditionally, men have been expected not only to initiate relationships in the first place, but to take the active role in lovemaking as well. Our society has long called on men to perform on many levels, including sexually. These requirements are responsible for much of the anxiety men feel about sex.

That "Size" Thing

There's a pervasive notion in our society that bigger is better. The bigger your car or house or bank account, the more important you are. It's bad enough that we often judge people by such superficial criteria—but what's even worse is that many men seem to believe the bigger-is-better concept applies to their genitals as well. And many guys fear they're not big enough. Despite all of the reassurance we women give them, despite those clever sayings such as, "It's not the quantity, it's the quality," lots of men still equate penis size with sexual prowess.

So, you don't believe that men are worried about size? Just take a look at some of the ads in the back of men's magazines for penis enlargement products. The amount of advertisementi speaks volumes about the demand, and thus, the anxiety over this issue.

The truth is, guys, you men are far more concerned with penis size than we women are. Study after study has shown that fewer than 50 percent of women care at all. If you ask me, many of these women are more influenced by some misguided notion of what they're supposed to like, than they are by personal experience. Most women say they prefer an average-sized penis to a super-sized version. Furthermore, many women actually experience pain or discomfort during intercourse with a man who is unusually large.

The people who are experts in these matters say that the average erect penis is about seven inches. Ultimately, however, what's important is not how many inches you have, but what you do with them (and, I might add, with the rest of your appendages as well). So forget those "Long Dong Silver" flicks, and concentrate on pleasing your partner. She'll love you for it.

His Fears

So, you don't believe that men are worried about size? Just take a look at some of the ads in the back of men's magazines for penis enlargement products. The amount of advertisementi speaks volumes about the demand, and thus, the anxiety over this issue.

Heart Brakes

Heart Brakes

Performance Anxiety.

Performance Anxiety.

Wordplay

Impotence is a misleading word that genera fly refers to the inability to have an erection. The proper term is erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction, or ED, can be a one-time or occasional occurrence, or a chronic condition, ft affect in ill ions of men of afl ages and circumstances, At one time, ED was thought to be chiefly a psychological problem, but now medicaf experts say that in up to 80 percent of cases, the cause ft at least partly physicaf.

Wordplay

Impotence is a misleading word that genera fly refers to the inability to have an erection. The proper term is erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction, or ED, can be a one-time or occasional occurrence, or a chronic condition, ft affect in ill ions of men of afl ages and circumstances, At one time, ED was thought to be chiefly a psychological problem, but now medicaf experts say that in up to 80 percent of cases, the cause ft at least partly physicaf.

For too long in our society, the onus has been on men to perform—in sports, at work, in the battlefield, and in the bedroom—especially in the bedroom. If you believe the old stereotype, men are supposed to be like Energizer batteries: always ready, willing, and able to keep going and going and going No wonder so many men approach the sex act with anxiety or even dread.

Well, first of all, the truth is that men aren't always ready. Women are finally finding this out, now that more of us are taking the initiative with sex these days. Secondly, every man has, at one time or another, experienced performance anxiety. The fears are mostly unspoken: What if I can't get it up? What if I go off too quickly, before she's satisfied? What if she's expecting me to go all night? What if she doesn't like my technique? Let's look at these concerns one by one.

• "Getting it up" is, of course, a paramount concern for men. Until recently, guys didn't talk very much about erection difficulties. There was too great a stigma. These days, the issue is more out in the open; but as a society, we still don't deal with it in a very mature way. Look at those silly sitcoms that treat impotence as the joke of the week. For that matter, look at the very word "impotence," with its implication of loss of power and virility. The clinical term is "erectile dysfunction," but whatever you choose to call it, it can happen to any man, at any time—even young men. Some of the causes include stress, fatigue, too much alcohol, lack of exercise, smoking, poor diet, heart disease, or various prescription drugs. If it happens to you, it's not the end of the world, or even of your sex life. It helps to have an understanding partner (show her this book). And if erectile dysfunction is a chronic problem, see your doctor. There are plenty of treatments available today, including the much-touted virility pill, Viagra.

Far HER Eyes Only

If he ha* difficulties hawing an erection, don't blame yourself Or him. in fact, rid yourself fand him) of the nobon of blame a (together. The latter may be easier said than done, because many men do tend to reproach themselves. Just be gentle and loving, without being overly solicitous, and let him know that he's more than an erect penis to you. If he itifl seems to be in the mood for sex play, have him satisfy you orally or manually, or, if you feci at ease about this, let him watch you masturbate. It's very likely the erection will take care of itself when he witnesses your climax. Otherwise, make light of the situation. If necessary, ju^t forget about sex for awhile, go and have fun, and come back and try again later.

For HER Eyes Only

A man's primary sexual need is to Teel that he's the best lover you have ever had. Simply by enjoying yourself with him, and letting him know you enjoy him, you allay his fean. and go a long way toward meeting his primary need.

• "Going off" too quickly is a concern for some men, particularly younger ones. But keep in mind that "too quickly" is a relative term. As long as both of you end up satisfied, it really doesn't matter who climaxes when. If you do feel you have a problem with premature ejaculation, there are definitely some very pleasurable ways around the problem. First of all, if you're really concerned about climaxing right away, either because you haven't had sex in awhile, or because you just find her so intensely exciting—or both—tell her! I bet she'll understand, and then the two of you can take it from there. Perhaps you'll want to satisfy each other orally first, and then have leisurely intercourse later. You work it out. On the other hand, if you have a chronic problem with climaxing too soon (and not being able to have another erection later), there are many exercises and techniques you can use to prolong the pleasure. See some of the tips in the next two chapters, and pay a visit to your bookstore or library for books that cover the matter in more detail. Also, see the list of resources at the end of this book.

• Going all night sounds like a great fantasy if you're very young or you actually believe some of those XXX-rated movies, but in reality, very few women are turned on by the prospect of nonstop "pumping." The idea of a man who's a perpetual piston, driving his woman to ecstasy dozens or hundreds of times, just doesn't have much bearing in reality. In fact, even though women are more readily multiorgasmic than men, there are many women who are satisfied with one orgasm. For these women, anything more is overkill. Even women who like to climax over and over again in one session like a little variety. On the other hand, the idea of making love around the clock can be pretty appealing—as long as there are a few extended rest periods, with maybe a meal or two from room service thrown in. Even tigers, who sometimes mate for nearly two days running, rest in between matings!

Sexual technique is more than what you do; it is who you are. Technique can be learned, of course (see the next chapter for a few tips and tricks), but the most important thing to remember is that each new lover is a new learning experience. What drives one woman into throes of ecstasy may leave another one cold. If you focus on pleasing your partner rather than on impressing her with your performance, and if you open yourself to learning what she likes, technique will never be a problem for you.

Her Fears

Even if the birth control issue is all taken care of, women can have many anxieties about sex. Most women have some degree of insecurity about their physical attractiveness—which isn't hard to understand, given our culture's obsession with female beauty. Many women also worry about their sexual response. Will they be able to have an orgasm? What if they take too long to have one? Let's look more closely at some of these female fears.

Be sure you show your appreciation for Ns body. Afbef all, many men have insecurities about their bodies, too.

For HER Eyei Only

Be sure you show your appreciation for Ns body. Afbef all, many men have insecurities about their bodies, too.

Showing Him Her Physical Flaws for the First Time

For HIS Eyes Only

Make your woman feel beautiful. Anything you say or do to compromise this feeling can diminish her ability to enjoy having sex with you. If you make her feel beautiful by complimenting her and lavishingaii of your loving attention on her body, you will afleviate her fears about her attractiveness, and you'll be meeting a primary emotiona I need,

Make your woman feel beautiful. Anything you say or do to compromise this feeling can diminish her ability to enjoy having sex with you. If you make her feel beautiful by complimenting her and lavishingaii of your loving attention on her body, you will afleviate her fears about her attractiveness, and you'll be meeting a primary emotiona I need,

If men have felt the burden of performance all these years, women have borne the burden of being beautiful. It's not enough that men are naturally visual creatures; we women also have all of those cultural images to deal with. While surveys have revealed that more men than you might think are dissatisfied with their looks, let's face it: Beauty has always been a bigger issue for women. With women, the beauty question often goes beyond mild dissatisfaction with their looks, and can become a real fear complex. Sure, we can tell ourselves a dozen times that we have gorgeous lips, or legs to die for, and that even Cindy Crawford doesn't really look like Cindy Crawford. Even so, the prospect of appearing nude before a new lover for the first time can strike terror into even the most gorgeous woman.

The plain truth is, though, that most men—no matter how crazy they are for the centerfolds and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and no matter how much they ogle women in public—have a tendency to suspend their judgment once they're in a one-on-one situation. They simply don't bring the ratings signs into the bedroom. Once your clothes fall off and your new lover beholds your nakedness for the first time, he's not going to hold up a sign with your rating in big red letters. He's going to be overcome with excitement, because a real woman, no matter how "imperfect," is infinitely more thrilling than a two-dimensional image ever could be. More than likely, his reaction is going to be, "Wow."

It's normal to be nervous about being naked for the first time with a new lover. But if you've practiced the techniques in this book, and have learned to care for and love your own body, your nervousness will quickly pass, and you will be able to abandon that beautiful body to the pleasure it deserves.

The Big "O"—You've Come a Long Way, Baby

Once upon a time in polite society, women weren't expected to enjoy sex. Where intercourse was concerned, they were taught to assume an attitude of indulgence, if not thinly disguised revulsion. It was, in other words, perfectly okay for a woman to lie back and think of the laundry or her mother's pound cake recipe. She could remain still and silent until the deed was over, and the man would think nothing of it. In fact, if she moved or made a noise, he was likely to become alarmed, fearing she'd suddenly turned into some sort of brazen hussy.

Continue reading here: For HIS Eyes Only

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