%Just friends? Again? Aaaarrghhh! That's the most hated of all things to hear from any woman that you'd like to bang. When you finally get up the balls to show how you really feel about her she just wants to be your buddy. This seems to be the bane of many intelligent, but passive, men. In their eagerness to demonstrate how well they can connect with women and understand them, they end up "solving the mystery" that forms the basis of the dynamic sexual tension between men and women. As a result, all the passion goes out of any potential relationship between the two of you. You've engaged her conscious mind - but have failed to affect her limbic, primitive mind where all her lust triggers are hidden. Guess what...
You've just become one of her GIRLFRIENDS! Yikes!
One of the major gripes of passive men is that great looking women always reject them for jerks who mistreat them. Despite the best efforts of these wonderful, passionless men to adore every girl they meet and raise them high up on a pedestal, the best women always seem to gravitate to this hated town jerk instead. Since Mr. Bad Ass Jerk fails to grasp the magnitude of his good fortune, he eventually ends up abusing his goddess. What a tragedy. Blind to the power of her own great beauty, of course, goddess runs around kissing his ass and taking all the crap he can dish out... until he finally dumps her, beats her up or ends up on extended holiday at the local state prison. If only she could have opened her eyes and seen fit to choose Mr. Passive instead -- her world could have been a paradise of love and happiness. She just doesn't get it though. But don't worry... we still love her - no, adore her - anyway. We're nice, after all.
The never-ending saga of the scorned nice guy is a pattern of perceived injustice that begins in high school and trails these losers all around everywhere they go. You yourself might even be in a situation where you've befriended one of these great looking girls (who refuse to see you as a man), and you actually spend your vacant hours sympathetically listening to her piss and moan about all the various low life dickbrains she gets involved with. Typically she ignores your good advice to forget about these assholes and immediately goes back for more punishment anyway. Then she calls you up and tells you all about it.
Who do you think is the real asshole here?
My prose drips with sarcasm instead of sympathy for you. Why? Because if you're a nice guy you've established a residence at the very bottom of the male dominance scale and you deserve everything that you get (or, more precisely, don't get). Do you know what the male equivalent of the nice guy is? Fat girls. Yes that's right, fat girls. Most men won't even consider dating them unless they are desperate bottom feeders themselves who've long since given up any hope of catching a decent looking girlfriend. How come? Because they don't turn us on sexually. Therefore we don't bother with them. This works the same for both men and women. We cannot force ourselves to become romantically involved with people who don't speak to our most primitive sense of lust and desire. Love is not a conscious act. It is a primal one.
But wait a minute, how could a woman not have some romantic feelings for a guy who only wants to love her, worship the ground she walks on, drink her bathwater and generally make her every wish come true?
Two reasons... first the obvious: undeserving adoration gives people the creeps. It's a sign of mental instability that involves deep issues of control, most likely forged in the crucible of a lousy childhood. Hey, wanna know a secret?... Nice guys aren't really all that nice. It's a front. In reality, they're passive-aggressive controllers. They've learned how to use "niceness" as a manipulative weapon to regulate the actions and responses of people around them. Their goal is the inflation of their own ego at the expense of others. In doing so, the nice guy avoids intimacy and any true emotional involvement because his actions involve the subtle transfer of shame to the target of his fake generosity, often in a subliminally hostile fashion. He tends to inhibit the emotional growth of both himself and his partner because no one can ever get any honest feedback of their actions from him... everything always gets absorbed into his smothering, unrealistic, 'nice' behavior. No one can get angry at him without feeling guilty of course, another powerful weapon of control in his toolbag.
That was the quick psychoanalysis of the situation -- something we'll dig into in far greater depth when we explore your fucked-up head in Chapter 4. But for now it's critically important to understand the second reason why women dislike nice guys...
It's a sign of low male status. And low status guys are nothing more than "fat chicks" to women. How is this so? Simple... any psychologist will tell you that people will attempt to control the actions of others around them to the degree that they themselves secretly feel that they are not in control. In other words, controlling behavior (which is all that "niceness" really is) sends a clear signal that a person has no genuine, recognized position of power or social/economic status in society. A person caught in this situation will often try to compensate for his social deficiency by trying to control others around him as much as he possibly can. However, since he possesses little or no actual authority to exercise a controlling influence directly, he must resort to various forms of trickery or employ some kind of psychological coercion in order to get the job done.
Passive aggressive-behavior (withholding the full expression of your effort or personality as a way to punish someone until they relent and let you have your way), flying into violent rages, and being aggressively "nice" are all attempts to exert control. This type of conduct stems from the deeply-rooted sense of insecurity that (for men) comes from having very little real authority... i.e., being dominated by other males in the world as opposed to being dominant over others.
Remember, it's your status on this male pecking order totem that ultimately makes you attractive to women... or unattractive.
If you've been red flagged as being far down the male status totem pole, then women will have little interest in you as a mate, and the more beautiful the female (high status for her) the more this is likely to be true. So guys who try real hard to please and smother women with their promises of ridiculous love and devotion are seen as meek and therefore undesirable. Fat chicks. They're trying to compensate for not having any power or authority in life, and it's pathetically obvious. Get it?
Don't be a "nice" guy. I know... you can't help it. you've been behaving this way in Chapter 4.
Anyway, you're telling me that some bad-boy jackass who mistreats women is actually preferable to Mr. Nice Guy? In a sense, the jerk's status is often no better than the nice guy. That's why he's a jerk... i.e., because he's a low life who's never really accomplished anything, is marginally educated, probably works some low class job, etc. But it can take a woman longer to discover this because his tough guy persona is a more acceptable psychological mask to her than the niceness cover-up. At least the jerk can wield the power of physical intimidation now and then. Some men are scared of him (probably all the nice guy pussies) and this tends to brandish some fake status, albeit of a very savage sort. (Threats don't get you very far in the modern world, money does.) Any female who is attracted to the jerk eventually finds this out.
But look at how long and difficult a process it is for her to disengage with this guy. This only goes to show how -- once properly seduced by having her most basic mating instincts switched on -- a woman can remain thoroughly captivated by a man's aura, even one that doesn't serve her true interests. It remains so even after it's long since become obvious to everyone else around her (including you, her good gossip buddy) that he's using her and playing her for the complete fool.
Sad, very sad. But also very commonplace as you well know, I'm sure.
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