Marilyn monroe

Possibly the best image balancer ever, Marilyn Monroe managed to portray overt sexuality and an almost childlike innocence and vulnerability in equal measures She did this by alternating swiftly from one to another with each appearing and disappearing at exactly the right speed One minute she was doe-eyed, with a shy-looking dropped chin. Next minute that chin would be thrown back and her eyes half closed to simulate the state of orgasm This ability to blend two extremes made her unique The...

Good and bad hand gestures

How do you define good and bad gestures If I asked you to compile a list of each, how many do you think you'd manage Probably a handful of bad ones and fewer good ones, as it's always easier to know what not to do with your bodytalk than it is to know what to do But the truth is there are very few gestures that are genuine, dyed-in-the-wool, moustache-wearing, cheroot-chewing bad guys Many of the bad ones will really come under the it depends how and when it's done category, like folding your...

Truncated gestures

These need to go on to the gestures to ditch list Truncated gestures are the sort you start but somehow forget to finish Ever watched someone talk who stops halfway into a gesture or mime These are called truncated gestures The speaker may pull out a candy and only get halfway through unwrapping it because he warms to the theme while talking Or a speaker may start counting her fingers, intending to count four points off, but get lost after one or two, or she may raise a finger to make a point,...

Salutation Displays Forms of greeting

Schematic Gestures More stylized or abbreviated versions of mimic gestures Scissors Stance Standing with your legs crossed . Screensaver Face A term I coined to describe the face we pull in between social displays, usually a deadpan, or even angry or anxious-looking face . Scrotch The scratching of the crotch area to gain sexual attention, usually performed by males Secondary Emotions Emotions that are prompted by your own thoughts, like worry or anxiety Self-motivational Gestures These are a...

Ownership signals

Way that a couple communicates when they're not using words Tie-signs are an important part of any close relationship, but they're so instinctive and so subtle that often the couple aren't consciously aware they're using them A tie-sign can take several different forms it can be a glance, a fast or slow blink, a mouth gesture (like pulling the lips in to register disapproval), a narrowing or widening of the eyes, a head-tilt or nod, or a touch, tap, or stroke . Tie-signs are examples of...

What is charisma

Like stress and good sex we all know what we mean by charisma and yet it's hard to define it If I asked you to make a list of charismatic people you'd probably start with Nelson Mandela and Bill Clinton and then stall . So what is charisma and how can you get it I don't normally like plundering dictionaries when I run courses or write books, as they often don't take account of word perception by which I mean the generally understood meaning of words and perception is what I'm all about ....

Charisma for beginners

It's so easy to be charismatic at work that I always wonder why more people don't try it For a start there's so little competition or comparison that you'll probably have a clear run at it . Sometimes even smiling or using eye contact will make you stand out from the herd By upping your charisma by as little as 5 percent you'll probably be streets ahead . Read this, then, and you'll clean up . By the way, I'm not suggesting for one minute that you shouldn't be good at your job . All these...

Brief guide to masking

But not all your body language will be about projecting your ideal message . Unlike animals, humans spend a vast amount of time trying to suppress their negative signals . This suppression of thoughts and feelings is known as body language masking When animals mask they tend to do so for personal survival Apes tend to mask pain and illness because in the wild any sign of weakness could lead to them being attacked However, while most animals signal their other thoughts and emotions freely and...

BoDY LANGuAGE RuLEs RuLE 6 Keep PractiCiNG

It's normal to look stiff at this stage of the exercise . If you look relaxed I'd suspect you're not trying as hard as you could . Remember you're changing something you've been doing nearly all your life Keep going, though, and the work will be worth it, I promise Your body will suddenly get it and the walk will look great It won't take ten years, more like ten minutes or maybe a few sessions lasting ten minutes each. Oh, by the way, relax those fingers they look too rigid Learning your Power...

Emphatic

While illustrative gestures show visual pictures, emphatic gestures try to define emotions We stab, hammer, punch, flutter, and wring with our hands to show anger, frustration, concern, and anxiety or worry When you use emphatic gestures you ensure your listener understands your strength of feeling This is as long as they're congruent If your gestures play against your message they'll confuse it For instance, imagine a politician who is canvassing for votes She says her party will lower income...

Teeth for the purpose of fight I Selfharm like scratching pulling at own hair or hitting self

These could be displacement gestures, suggesting displaced aggression The point is, who do they feel aggressive about Remember to be perceptive in the workplace, taking note of your colleagues' body language gestures, but always keep in mind that no one gesture will ever give the game away . Make sure you're firing on all cylinders, listening to what's said, watching for their general behavior, looking for clues in things like the tone of their voice, and monitoring their body language, both...

A brief guide to congruence

This is the perfect communication, meaning your words, tone, and nonverbal gestures are all dancing to the same rumba They give out a matching message and they complement one another This means you'll look honest, genuine, as though you really mean what you're saying Congruent bodytalk is going to be your goal throughout this book It's vital that your communications look congruent You'd think this would be easy enough when you genuinely do mean what you say, but it's not Incongruent...

Body Language Rules Rule 7 Show Dont Tell

This is a golden rule for all your body language performances Words are about telling but your body language is all about showing It's a bit like sex Anybody who tells you they are a good lover isn't. How do I know Because they felt the need to tell you Someone really hot in bed would just let their technique do the talking . When they tell you, they're projecting what they want you to tell them . It's the same thing with businesses We're customer-focused, We always exceed expectations, I'm a...

Standing

Feet about shoulder-width apart, body straight but relaxed, hands lightly clasped in front. This describes the Power Pose, where you are well planted and well balanced, hands ready for emphatic gestures. Half-perched on table or desk, one leg bent, one cheek on table, arms loose on lap. This is called a half-sit, still active enough to be a standing pose and dominate attention, but very relaxed. Legs splayed too wide, arms folded This is aggressive alpha-signaling, like a nightclub bouncer Legs...

Aggressive hand gestures

We use a lot of aggressive signals during the average day, often without realizing it Most of them will occur as a result of suppressed aggression or frustration, but they are visible to the naked eye and will be received as purveyors of ritualized combat or fight intentions . Aggressive gestures appear when your system goes into a state of aggressive arousal. For most humans there's no follow through or even desire to follow through A gang of fans going to a football game might well set out...

The forgotten art of shaking hands

A good handshake is vital on formal social occasions, as well as in business It reveals a lot of telling information about you in a very small space of time via the power of touch Remember that in simian psychology the sticking out of the hand is a gesture of accepted vulnerability It's like a signal of submission, used to end conflict and create bonds An ape will be offering its hand to be bitten off by the dominant ape You don't need to take things this far, but using your handshake as a...

Redcarpet knowhow relationship body language the celebrity way

I've been analyzing celebrity body language for TV and magazines for several years and believe there's a lot we can all learn from their red-carpet poses. Celebrity couples are infamously popular, and thus there will always be a strong whiff of professionalism hanging around any celeb pairing, making it easy to be suspicious about the real messages behind the ones we see on display. By reading a red-carpet couple's performed signals and then looking for their body language leakage you can gain...

Pushing the transaction

Creating complementary body language transactions isn't always useful, though If your best friend has a habit of raising her status by ordering you around and telling you what to do, you can take a complementary stance by adopting a subservient pose, dropping your posture, and doing what you're told, but unless you have a predilection for servitude you'll probably feel a building resentment each time you act compliant It's very possible, then, that you will want to make moves to change your...

Creating Complementary Behaviors

Much will depend on whether these body displays are complementary or not. Often the problems come when a parent displays parental gestures in front of his or her child's friends or peers, thus lowering a child's status in a pack it needs to survive in. Remember the kids getting a kiss from their moms at school That kiss is probably sought by the child at home, but spells doom for the child when it's performed in front of peers . Complementary body language transactions are ones that assume...

Friends Reunited

Some last thoughts and tips specifically on friendships However close your friends are, there is one huge difference between them and your family, and that is the issue of unconditional love or bonding Although families can and do split up, blood relatives tend to stay with you forever . Not so with friends, which is why you should never take them for granted . Remember that great set of close pals you had at your last job What happened when you or they moved on No matter how many work...

Keep your points short and concise and your body language dynamic

I One of the least popular body language routines during meetings will come from the serial moaner. He or she will make a point with barely disguised irritation or suppressed anger or frustration Then he or she will sit back in the seat with arms folded, and he or she will always execute what I call the 'turkey neck-wobble' as he or she speaks This type of person's favorite phrases are That's all very well, but or simply Yes, but. Don't become them . Keep open body language gestures, a positive...

Compliant signals

If nobody backed down we'd be extinct within months . Our network of complex dominance and compliance signals is in use on a virtually permanent basis, as each transaction we do relies on a harmonious balancing act for it to be successful When the balancing act tips, even slightly, our response is far bigger than the event itself When you go into a shop to buy goods, you expect to be dominant in that transaction As the customer you will have the expectation of a...

A brief guide to incongruence

Okay, who stepped out of line and who stepped on whose toes This is where your words are doing a tango your vocal tone's waltzing while your body language is busy break dancing . Your signals just don't match, which makes anyone watching think there's something fishy about your main point You don't look as though you mean what you say Even your own body's not convinced I also call this type of body language Personal Heckling . When your words, tone, and body language all say different things...

Likeability

What makes someone likeable at interview stage Likeability is random, but there are some patterns that you can use for your benefit 1. We tend to like people who are like us . Therefore, your mirroring techniques will be vital. Be alert throughout the interview, too The interviewers' body language or communication might change They could relax or become more friendly and chatty . These are called cues . You should take them as an invitation to follow suit, although follow is the operative word...

They mirror your body language Likebodied usually

Signals like-minded I Empathetic nodding, in time with your speech. I Open gestures . While body-barriers or concealed hands will suggest hidden thoughts, open gestures that aren't overly performed will often mean agreement I Leaning forward. Body proximity is usually a sign of mental conformity I Mirrored facial expressions . This is a very strong sign that they agree with your point I Palms turned out or upward. Done subtly this should suggest openness and welcome I Relaxed breathing patterns...

Frontline bodytalk

Despite the tidal wave of customer care training and theorizing, people who deal with the public for a living are usually dire when it comes to simple transactional skills . The worst are the ones who believe they're people people . They usually manage to patronize or act. Some are exceptionally rude Front-line work is really easy work, though. The public are secretly easily pleased It's just that when those small shreds of status that we like to hold so dear get put through yet another pulping...

Celebrity charismatic types

A perfect example of chief-executive-style charismatic leadership signals Clinton is at his charismatic best one-to-one where he uses intense listening signals like eye contact, undivided attention, and postural echo to make the person he meets feel touched by something special . Since she's taken her own place in the political arena, Hillary has abandoned the submissive female posturing and adopted military signals of charismatic leadership instead She rarely carries a bag, but rather stands...

Schematic or mime signals

These are intended to be much more precise and should create deeper understanding of your message However, not everyone speaks the same body language and you should remember that there are cultural variations The classic signals do appear to have obvious meanings, though Ask someone how they are and a thumbs up will nearly always signal okay Hold one hand out and wobble it from side to side and you're letting someone know you're not sure or maybe . Tapping the side of your nose can mean keep it...

How to look for signs of rejection or being dismissive

I Brushing hand across knee or thigh as though brushing away crumbs . Those invisible crumbs could be symbolic of your thoughts or ideas . I Shrugging. This gesture really does mimic a throwing off of ideas or situations . If they do this in reply to your idea or conversation, it's likely they're casting it off, but it could apply to their own speech, so look for the moment of shrug and what's being said at the time I Head shaking. This mimics a child rejecting the breast and is one of the most...

Distraction signals

And then there are the flirt or redirection signals When an ape is being attacked it will often perform what looks like an entirely unrelated and counter-productive gesture, like yawning, grooming, or scratching Or it will even start to flirt You probably think you know what this is all about Humans flirt when they're with someone they like But what about flirting at work What about those people who turn on the charm with everyone in the place, male, female, young, and old Do they like everyone...

Your inner child

Let's move forward a few evolutionary cycles now to your own life as a child, where you learned body language for survival and reward When you smiled, everyone went gaga, and when your face crumpled up for tears and screaming you saw adult faces turn fearful, giving you your first burst of baby power From that moment on you used your body language to get whatever you wanted . Small children are egocentric, so this would have been the way your body language worked If you needed food or attention...

How to avoid incongruence

Although we all learn via imitation it is possible to be too obvious about borrowing a signature gesture from somebody else These are called absorbed actions They might look good on them but appear phony on you I Video yourself speaking, both socially and professionally, if you give talks in your job. Spot the differences in delivery. Are you Jekyll and Hyde Do you seem to be putting on an act If so, spend time studying the more natural-looking signals and delete...

Playing by the rules

There are very few rules when it comes to good and bad body language Although I'm sure there would be something very comforting in creating a special section of body language dos and don'ts, I'm not going to If I did you'd very quickly start to think I was being unfair You'd start looking at other speakers and you'd spot at least a few very good orators who used the gestures I'd banned you from using In fact, most of the great speakers I've seen appear to break every rule in the body language...

How to hold hands

Hand-holding is important to a relationship as it tends to chart the stage a couple is at and their emotional and status compatibilities, plus the state of their communication This is the classic form of hand-holding, implying a strong bond and a youthful approach to the relationship. The person with his or her hand on top in the clasp is usually the more dominant partner . The hands should be clasped firmly to imply sexual closeness . If the fingers are linked or entwined there's an even...

How to look for signs of lying

Lying is a very difficult process for the human body, making most of us rather bad liars. First comes the true response, which must be suppressed, and the lie response created for the performance This can cause stress, and guilt prompted by the lie will add to this stress It's important to note, though, that not everyone gets stressed when they lie because not everyone feels that sense of guilt A good liar is often someone who lies regularly and or believes it is right to tell lies . But the...

How to tell if he likes you

He'll catch your glance and hold it for a half-second longer than normal Then he'll look away Then he'll look back I He should then change his state in some way, either succumbing to shyness signals like dipping his head, blushing, pulling in his lips, or having an accelerated pace of movement, sometimes getting jerky or clumsy I If he's with his friends they'll all notice his changed state and will all look over to check you out I They'll then probably start mock...

Gut reactions

How often do you hear people relying on gut reaction to make important decisions about other people Sounds random Many psychologists argue that your gut reactions are really decisions based on the assimilations of a whole raft of complex visual information that you have read subconsciously . Even people pitching for the top jobs have to be aware of it . Gordon Brown's first keynote pitch for the role of prime minister came a few days after Tony Blair announced the date he'd be stepping down...

Info

When did you first use body language Approximately fifteen minutes after you were born, that's when The human animal is the only animal that is truly helpless straight after it's born. While other animals can fight or forage for food, the human baby just lies back looking cute Your cuteness was good In fact, it was vital for your survival as it made older humans want to look after you You also began to mirror the facial expressions of the adults around you to strengthen the bonding process As...

Ritualized combat

In apes, this takes the form of chest banging, pacing, jumping up and down, and making a lot of noise If that sounds familiar but you're having trouble placing it, just take a look at a football game when there is a close score Opposing fans use exactly the same kind of posturing to intimidate their rivals, sticking out their chests, pacing, and shouting Then come the ape-like mock attacks and odd little dance rituals to rev the whole crowd up Usually the safer the fans the more exaggerated...

Aggressive arousal

In animals, and in humans, suppressed aggression leads to some interesting body language When an ape feels threatened it will go through a state known as aggressive arousal For humans this is where the automatic nervous system kicks in The sympathetic nervous system creates a state that is good for fight, which means that the adrenalin starts to flow, your breathing patterns change, your muscles tense, and your body hair stands on end In apes, and in humans, this allows them to perform body...

French kissing

What it is It's pretty much the same as the regular kiss, except your tongue joins in, too Why it's nice It's a more intense form of kissing and therefore sexier because it mimics the actual act of sexual penetration By using your tongue you get many more sensations, too How you do it Go through all the steps in the regular kiss, but instead of breaking apart for small pauses, get even closer and more intense and gently poke your tongue into your partner's mouth. Like the exploratory smaller...

Eye contact

Eye contact will make you look confident and in charge of a conversation However, many training manuals and courses insist you should use it to a degree that I would describe as too much By looking away from someone you will appear shy or submissive, but remember what I said about pinning your objectives up before you start to make changes Is shyness such a bad thing Think of some people you know who use or used shy body language signals . Four key characters spring to mind former Prime...

Posture

I hope you know how to stand If you don't then you're either a spectacular drunk or you have a serious couch potato habit But how do you feel about standing when people are looking at you What about when you stand to make that business presentation or wedding speech, or to chat with that girl you like in the bar Suddenly standing isn't so easy any more because you feel self-conscious By creating a standing pole position you can rehearse a pose beforehand, meaning you won't feel awkward at all...

Blushing

Sexual attraction will often produce blushing . This can feel like hell if you're the one with a face like a furnace, but it can make you more attractive to your potential mate Blushing signals shyness, which in turn suggests virtue and innocence, but at the same time it also mimics the facial flush that occurs during orgasm. Get out the blusher When you see someone you find attractive your instinctive desire will be to gaze and appraise This prolonged, first-glance eye contact is one of the...

Changing your hand habits

It sounds hideously difficult to change your gestural patterns . For one thing, you're probably not even aware of them, and once you are aware you become too inhibited and self-conscious to look natural . Hands are a bit of a bugger they're happy to do their own thing when you're not looking but once you start to pay them attention and give them instructions they go into a sulk Often hands appear to grow in size, and the more you instruct them not to do something the more they tend to do it ....

Your manipulative body language techniques

In the '80s, budding salesmen and entrepreneurs were taught how to take control of meetings with powerful body language techniques These included gems like the power shake, where they fought to get their hand on top in the shake, and the eye-stare, where you engaged your victim in an eye-contact stand-off with the loser being the one who looked away first These are now quite rightly deemed corny and too much like testosterone-fuelled posturing to have a place in modern life . However, there are...

Autocontact Gesture Selftouch

Autonomic Signals Stress-promoted actions or body changes, like fidgeting, fast breathing, accelerated blink rate, pallor or flushing, crying, and so on Back-channel Signals Gestures that encourage a speaker, like nodding Barrier Gestures The hands, arms or legs will attempt to protect their owner from attack, or props can be used to the same effect . Barrier gestures could be folded arms and legs, a raised wine glass, or a handbag pulled across the chest Certain types of fiddling, like playing...

The process of attraction

What attracts us to a mate How long have you got There's a strange irony to the attraction process that humans somehow fail to get, which is that the factors that we use to define an attractive person are often the factors that guarantee someone will be unlucky rather than lucky when it comes to meeting a mate and sustaining a relationship Open any magazine or newspaper and you will see pages of beautiful people who fit the perceived criteria for beauty and perfect looks Almost without...