The Secret Language of Flirting and Sexual Chemistry

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Most of what people refer to as 'chemistry' lies in the communication between two people. You'll notice that if a man starts a conversation in a completely serious and proper manner, i.e. there's nothing unusual about the way he communicates, there's unlikely to be chemistry between him and the woman he's boring.

When we say "there's chemistry" between people, what we're really saying is that they're both flirting with each other. It only takes one person to flirt, but it takes two to have chemistry.

To have chemistry with a woman, you need to flirt with her—she can't create chemistry by herself and is even socially conditioned not to start flirting unless you do.

Flirting is obvious to some people, while others even if they can feel it when someone does it to them, have no idea what it really is or how to do it themselves. To learn what's behind it, let's list some examples:

Teasing or busting balls


Being a little too serious for the situation

Breaking the socially-acceptable limits on physical space

Interpreting communication through a sexual subtext or making sexual innuendo

These are some of the most common forms of flirting. I don't mean that every time someone acts in one of these manners they're necessarily flirting. it's just that when someone does flirt, these are the likely ways for them to do it.

What do they all have in common? They're typically "non-standard" and they're typically unexpected. None of these styles of behavior produce the normal communication that the other person expects.

We discussed Broca's region of the brain in the last chapter and how it directs our attention to new stimuli. What flirting does is provide new stimuli instead of the expected ones, and by doing so it accomplishes its goal of getting attention. When the other person can do the same back, there's a mutual feedback loop of "heightened interest". we call this "chemistry".

What's different about the kinds of non-standard communication that we consider flirting from the rest of the kinds of non-standard communication is that they generate a very special kind of attention from the person with whom you're flirting. Making fun of them, being slightly too intense towards them, alluding to sex, etc., all not only generate attention because they're unexpected, but focus that attention specifically on the chemistry between the two of you.

Unpredictability leads to an atmosphere where both people want to know what's coming next, especially the woman. Even if you're doing it on purpose, she'll want to know what's coming next. she may laugh, she may not be able to think of how to respond, and she may even get upset, but this is not necessarily a bad reaction.

In fact, if you turn it up a notch instead of backing it down when she's "fakes being upset", she'll usually just be more attracted to you because you're displaying even more strength and unpredictability.

A woman wants someone that can make her feel. Feeling both good and bad is much more rewarding than feeling nothing, which is what she normally feels in reaction to the boring and meaningless praise she normally receives from most guys.

Being unpredictable makes you more fun and interesting to be around.

Being unusual in a flirtatious way typically increases attraction.

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