Identity Beliefs and Internal Frames

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Inner State:

A distinction has to be made between what is routinely referred to as: "Inner game" and "Outer game."

Outer game is about techniques, lines, tactics, strategies and so forth.

Inner game is about your internal state and feelings. It encompasses everything from confidence to your beliefs about yourself, your life and how you feel inside.

Many people ignore one of these areas while nurturing the other. This creates a flaw in your overall persona because it creates incongruence. When someone's internal beliefs do not match his or her external behavior, it becomes easy to spot. Imagine an insecure and scared person trying to fake that he is tough and strong. It would be incongruent because it would appear very fake to us.

Even if this person pulled it off, it would be a temporary effect. He can only keep up the charade for so long.

Some people refer to inner game as "Internal Frames." Regardless of the verbiage, it is important to understand the importance of inner confidence at the core level. [I stay away from the term Internal Frames, as it may create confusion for some people to see the word "frame" used in so many different contexts.]

This book is probably more dedicated to inner game than outer, but it does have elements of both. For example, story telling is a component of outer game, as it is not directly related to how good you feel about yourself or how confident you are. There is some skill involved that has to be learned.

I have mentioned that I know guys who are good palm readers. That, again, is a great example of outer game. It is a skill and strategy. You learn the skill, and furthermore, learn when and where to apply it during your interaction with a woman.

These skills, tactics, and strategies are great. However, you will fall short in the long run if you lack the inner-harmony discussed in this chapter.

Thus, how do you go about changing your internal beliefs?

In the confidence chapter, I gave some example of ways to gain confidence. If you recall, I mentioned the Martial Arts.

Partaking in such an endeavor gives you a sense of accomplishment, strengthens your inner confidence andfoundational identity and provides you with a hobby that you can feel good about. It also expands your social circles.

Now, I have chosen the martial arts as a hobby that I feel good about. Does that mean everyone should? Of course not.

You may choose to do something completely different and we covered this extensively in Chapter 2 (Confidence.) I know guys who have done everything from taking Salsa-dancing classes to learning how to play the electric guitar.

Did they do these as a gimmick to meet women? No. (OK, not counting a few of my womanizing buddies who enrolled in dance classes as soon as they heard the ratio of girls to guys was about 5 to 1.)

Having hobbies, participating in different activities, and having a sense of accomplishment feeds your inner beliefs in a positive manner. Some people just call it having a life.

Internal beliefs create a downward flow. Consider the following chart.


Identity/Self Image









A. Identity is who you are. It is at the core of your being. You may view yourself as a performer, a thinker, a mover & shaker and so forth. Self-image is a big part of identity. It's interesting that by definition, it can change based on the external context or based on the way that we think others view us.

When you give someone a self image, you give them a suggestion of their IDENTITY from which their subsequent beliefs, capabilities, behaviors and environment flows.

B. Beliefs stem from your identity. Your identity of who you are drives your belief system.

C. Capabilities are driven from your beliefs in combination with your identity. What do you believe you are capable of doing? If you asked a lawyer about his capabilities versus a teacher, you would get different answers that would be driven from their beliefs and identities

D. Behavior is what you do. The actions you choose to take are driven from what you believe you are capable of doing. If you actually believe you are capable of becoming a neurosurgeon or the CEO of a company, then you will take actions to do just that.

E. Environment. The actions you take will affect your environment. Should you choose to go to school to become a neurosurgeon or should you choose to rob a bank, you will have an affect on your environment.

In this model, the first three elements are what I refer to as "Inner Game or inner state." Behavior and Environment are categorized under "Outer game."

Correcting your tonality is important, but keep in mind that you are working on step D, Behavior. You are correcting something external [outer game] which in turn will change the way you affect your environment.

It is just as important, actually more important, to also change your inner state. The external is a reflection of the internal.

Why is this important?

It is important because it explains our behavior. Currently, what is your identity? How do you see yourself?

What are your beliefs? What do you believe you can do? What do you believe you are able to accomplish?

If you had a set of different beliefs, what would you be capable of? If you then believed you had different capabilities, what would you do?

This downward flowchart explains the difference between a guy who walks up to a woman and speaks to her, and the guy who freezes up and wants to run away.

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