Further Con versa tions Without Words

Conversation Escalation Make Small Talk Sexy

5 Main Principles of Small Talk

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It makes no difference how much time has passed, five minutes or five hours, since the first conversation. Your subconscious will have processed much of the nonverbal information the two of you exchanged. That makes it possible for you to see more clearly what the other person is saying during later conversations

During the second conversation, stronger signals are exchanged as the man continues his effort to persuade and the woman continues her effort to determine his worthiness. Many of the gestures and signs from the first conversation are used but new ones are added. Some signals are so important, they are repeated here.

Nearly all of these signals apply to both men and women. However, this chapter is written as though the woman is sending and the man receiving.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT! ONLY BEING POLITE Keeps eyes on you Head tilts farther Smiles broadly and often Hands open, relaxed

Looks around room Head only slightly tilted Smiles slightly Handsclosed puts anything in mouth Nothing goes in mouth posture changes to yours Maintains posture

Turns body toward you Keeps body facing away

Sucks straw, looks at you Looks away and drinks

Re moves eyeglasses Puts on eyeglasses

KEEPS EYES ON YOU

During conversation, the other person is focused on you, not looking around the room, at the dancers on the floor, the band or at anything other than you. Reliable if accompanied by other signs of interest. HEAD TILTS FARTHER

A tilted head usually indicates interest but it also can mean the person is curious. When the person's head tilts even more, it indicates even more interest or curiosity.

REMOVES EYEGLASSES Usually means the person is lowering the barrier that prevents you from looking deeply into the windows of their soul. Similar but stronger than lowering a drink held up as a barrier. However, it can indicate a refusal to "see "you or what you are saying. Notice the open hands with palms up gesture. This indicates sincerity and openness.

UNCROSSES LEGS, ARMS

The person is opening up to you and your advances! Extremely reliable if the openness is maintained. Crossed arm and crossed legs indicate a closed mind or a closed heart, or both. POSTURE CHANGES TO YOURS

The person's emotions are changing to match yours when they adopt a posture similar to yours. That's unless they've read Mirroring in this book!

SUCKS STRAW, LOOKS AT YOU Doesn't get much more blatant unless she also licks her lips. The symbolism is obvious.

Caution! Women who play Rapo use this gesture all the time. Unless she was a bit nervous at the outset, then gradually relaxed, this gesture is probably a game player's move.

TURNS BODY TOWARD YOU

Powerful signal! Indicates a strong interest and attraction. She's displaying her womanliness and making herself vulnerable to you. SMILES BROADLY AND OFTEN

During conversation, a broad smile indicates the person is enjoying the interaction with you. Slight smiles or no smiles indicate serious, intense interest or no interest at all. HANDS OPEN, RELAXED

Open hands indicate openness to you. Clenched hands indicate fear or anger. Holding tightly to anything, the arm of the chair, one's own leg, even one's wine glass, is literally, holding on to one's emotions, controlling one's self. The emotion held back could be anything from sexual excitement or utter suspicion. It's usually fear of rejection or fear of being humiliated.

PUTS ANYTHING IN MOUTH

Sometime done by a man, but usually a woman does this. As with touching herself sensually, it indicates she wants to put you into her mouth. This action must be sensual. If not, she's probably trying to reassure herself with a symbolic baby's pacifier. When biting accompanies it, anger is just below the surface.

REASSURANCE REQUIRED

Most women don't respond directly to you and your advances until they feel confident about their own attractiveness and your motives. Usually, a woman's defenses are up during early conversations. If she experiences any of this as too dangerous, she'll take flight physically or emotionally.

There's a thin line between being an aggressive male and being too much for her. The less confidence she has, the less aggressive you must be while still being assertive.

Caution, Men! You cannot rely on her face to tell you when she needs to be reassured. Women are taught that they must never offend others during social intercourse. So, nearly all women continue to smile and keep their faces pleasant appearing even when they are becoming uncomfortable. Here's how she lets you know that you are not persuading her.

YOU'RE COMING ON TOO STRONG Averts her eyes Nervoussmile Leans or backs away Touches throat, necklace Moves head to vertical Begins to fidget

When you notice any, even one, of these signs, move back physically. You may be standing or sitting too close. You may be leaning into her territory too far or too often. If you touched her, even in a socially appropriate way, such as admiring her ring or bracelet, it was probably too soon and possibly fatal! TOUCHES MOUTH, EYES OR EARS

When the person is listening—Touches Mouth means I don't believe you or I don't want say something rude. Touches Eye—I can't see what you are saying or I don't like looking at you. Touches Ear—I don't believe what I'm hearing or I don't want to hear what you have to say.

If the person is talking— Touches Mouth means I don't believe what I'm saying or I'm hesitant to say this. Touches Eye—I don't want to look at you when I'm lying or I'm so excited or scared or confused, I don't want you to look into my eyes. Touches Ear—I can't believe what I'm saying. These gestures were explained in detail and illustrated with photos earlier in Lines, Lies Or The Truth.

Looks around room Touches her face or head Turns front of body away Picks at hand or finger Hands begin to clench, grip Raises drink in front of her

LEANS OR BACKS AWAY

This means that you are too close physically or emotionally. Hard to notice because most people do not want to appear rude, so they only lean back a little. Could indicate you have bad breath.

The topic of your conversation may be inappropriate. Change subjects to something light and pleasant. It is also possible that she thinks you are a complete jerk.

When you spot two of these gestures in a row, it's time to excuse yourself and circulate before you destroy your chances forever.

TOUCHES THROAT, NECKLACE Only women. Means that she is trying to prevent herself from backing up or leaning away. Her hand and forearm serve as a barrier. You have offended her with the topic or your language or you are too close physically or emotionally.

Here are the gestures she, or he, uses to tell you that you have crossed the line and now you should move on.

THAT'S ENOUGH, GO AWAY! Looks away often Shifts posture, turns away

Becomes tense Stops smiling, starts frowning

Brushes imaginary lint Sits up straight

Crosses arms, legs Picks up drink

Locks ankles under chair Hands close, clench

Drums fingers, swings leg, taps foot.

RAISES OK PICKS UP DRINK

The person is replacing the barrier that was lowered or set aside. This shuts you out.

BRUSHES AWAY IMA GINARY LINT Gives you "the brush off," literally. Also seen when the person is, disbelieving, angry, bored. It can also mean that the person believes he is vastly superior to a piece of lint like you.

RHYTHMIC MOTIONS

Finger drumming, toe tapping, swinging leg, leg bouncing up and down on tip of toe, using swizzle stick or anything else as a drumstick (club) and all other such movement indicates the person is disinterested, bored, impatient, nervous or angry. HANDS CLOSE, CLENCH INTO FISTS

Closing up emotionally and closing you out. Usually indicates anger. The person may be subconsciously getting ready to hit you. CROSSES ARMS, LEGS

The person is closing you out physically which closes you out emotionally. As mentioned before, can also indicate a closed mind.

LOCKS ANKLES UNDER CHAIR Similar to clenching one's hands and crossing one's legs or arms. You are being closed out. Can also be an attempt at controlling one 5 emotions, usually fear but if other signs are positive the person is controlling excitement.

Body Language Anecdote-You Cannot Not Communicate In 1982, I was recently divorced and naive about the single's world. (That's redundant, of course.) So, my two best friends took me to the ruling pick-up club for some on-the-job training.

The parking lot was packed. As we drove around looking for a parking place, /kept muttering, "Don't like the vibes. Bad vibes at this place!" Mark replied, "Get real! We're not even inside yet! You can't possibly feel anything!"

Disco was in its death throes most places, but in the heart of Orange County, it was "staying alive." Once inside, my friends took off for the bar and left me staring at a scene I found surreal.

The women were 22-42, blond and attractive or non-blonde and attractive. To my amazement, many actually were dressed like disco dollies. You know, five hours in the making. Men were mostly 30-50, business types and a few Middle Eastern career students.

I was transfixed. The music roared as billions of attractive females floated by, just a few inches from my face.

Suddenly, Disco Dick appeared, violating the scene. I stared. My God! Just like in Saturday Night

Fever, he was wearing gold chains, black patent leather platform shores, a bright red satin shirt open to the navel and skin tight black pants held up by a chrome belt.

He grabbed a tall blonde by the wrist, spun her around until she was facing him and pointed. She nodded and they sauntered toward the dance floor.

/ was dumbfounded. Why didn't she smack him?

Manhandling her like that! How could she then dance with such a maggot? What the hell is going on?

My friends appeared. Each handed me a beer and motioned for me to follow. We ended up on a wide, raised walkway that ringed the dance floor. To be heard, John shouted in my ear, "We can check out the women from here." I nodded.

After a few minutes, I pointed to the blonde on the dance floor and yelled in John's ear. He shrugged, gesturing he couldn't hear me, but looked where I pointed. One bit of music blended into another. Disco Dick went his way. As the blonde walked by us, she slowed down, gave me the head to toe once over and kept going.

I backed up and leaned hard against the wall. And, even with a beer in each hand, I crossed my arms across my chest. Both friends looked at her, then at me, then at the way I was standing. They stared at one another, each with a puzzled expression.

The music was roaring as John pointed, pulled on my arm and pointed again. I didn't know what he wanted. I shrugged. He pulled harder. So, I leaned against the wall harder and crossed my arms even harder.

He looked at Mark and signaled. Mark grabbed my other arm and they both pulled me away from the wall but I kept my arms crossed. They spun me around and pushed me toward the men's room.

Inside, they both wanted to know—Why don't you go ask that blonde to dance? What the hell is the matter with you? Why are you standing like that?

With my arms still rigidly crossed, I indignantly pronounced, "If she'd dance with scum like that, I wouldn't even talk with her!"

They both howled, then spent five minutes trying to convince me that just because a woman dances with a slime ball it doesn't mean anything. My arms remained crossed and my mind remained closed, as it does to this day.

A few weeks later, I remembered my impressions of "bad vibrations" in the parking lot. I threw it in Mark's face. Although he ridiculed "that psychological gibberish," I forever lost all doubt that no matter what, you cannot not communicate, even at 50 yards!

The next chapter, On Shaking Hands, explains why the handshake is the quickest, most reliable method to discover who's who. Shake with everyone. It gives you the advantage.

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