Courtship feels dangerous. Everyone fears being rejected or humiliated and hurt. So, a genuine person is slightly nervous when meeting someone who rings his, or her, chimes. Sincere people are always somewhat awkward and childish no matter how hard they try to be cool and relaxed. Even if forty-something, they may blush or stutter because this is real, this is important, this is arousing, and this could get your heart broken.
But the experienced manipulator or game player is not afraid because he, or she, knows it is just that, a game. He can't get hurt, because he's not going to be genuinely vulnerable. ASINCEREMAN
How can you tell if he's sincere? Look at his body language. Is what he's saying with words in sync with what he's saying without words? If anything is inconsistent, be on the alert. Probe deeper with subtle questions as you quietly concentrate on his gestures and the ever reliable "vibrations."
These next few paragraphs are titled as if the information only applies to men, but women who lie do exactly the same things. SIGNS OF SINCERITY
When he's standing, his feet are slightly apart, firmly planted on the ground. He looks you in the eyes often. When he gestures, his palms are open and up. His arms are slightly extended. His head is slightly tilted. He only glances at your breasts occasionally. He never sneaks a peek at other women. He leans toward you now and then to invade your territory.
Only after you have touched him, does he touch you, and then it's completely appropriate. He does not try to dominate you by getting so close that his physical size is intimidating. When sitting down, his openness and gestures are about the same as when he's standing. A DECEITFUL MAN
When he's talking or listening, his feet are not firmly planted. One foot rests on the outside edge. Sometimes only his heel touches the floor. If he clears his throat, fidgets in the chair, touches his nose lightly, touches his lip, tugs his ear or rubs his eye, he's probably lying to you. TOUCHES YOU BEFORE YOUTOUCH HIM
Men who are well-practiced liars know that many women are starved for touch. So, they try to manipulate you filling that need. By touching you first, he reveals himself as someone who is only interested in physical closeness.
Women who touch men almost immediately after meeting them are suspected Rapo, as in Rape-o, players, explained shortly.
Even men who are not practiced in the art of courtship deception, can force themselves to look sincere when they are deliberately lying. At least they can keep their face looking sincere.
Women, beware! Many men can look you right in the eyes and He. It is a skill they learn when playing team sports as a child and adolescent. Later, they perfect this ability at the poker table and in the business world.
Men, pay attention! Most women have to avert their eyes when they lie to you. When they tell the truth, they can, and do, look you right in the eyes.
HOLDING ONTO HIMSELF OR OBJECTS Getting a grip on his feelings, literally. Also serves to distract him from feeling the negative emotions, which are, in the case of a liar, guilt and fear of being discovered as a fraud.
The seated liar will often cross one leg so that the ankle of the crossed leg is resting on his knee. This is a disguised method of being closed so that he feels less vulnerable. To get a grip on himself, he holds onto the shin, knee, or ankle of the crossed leg.
The grip is easily seen when the liar squeezes his drink or the arm of the chair so hard that his finger tips turn white. Notice the finger tips in the photo.
This is the same as touching one's eye or rubbing one's eyes. The liar doesn't have to look you in the eyes as he lies or just after. This gesture can also reveal disdain, contempt and pomposity. It is commonly seen in people who consider themselves better then the rest of us.
MOUTH, LIP OR NOSE TOUCHING
He barely touches his chin, lip or corner of the mouth as he speaks, or just after. With this gesture the liar declares, "I can't believe I said that," or, "I can't believe what I'm saying." When he touches his nose, the liar is saying, "This stinks, even to me." The act also conveniently covers his mouth. PALMS NOT UP WHEN GESTURING
The person appears to be carrying on an animated conversation, however he is always hiding his palms. It's a form of holding back and hiding one's true feelings.
The gesture indicates a general unwillingness to be vulnerable. It is a mild version of crossed arms or crossed legs. Remember, openness is sincerity because the speaker, or listener, has nothing to hide. LYING FEET
Most of us can control what shows on our face because we have mastered that ability through experience and practice. However, even skilled liars and sexual users do not realize that their hands or feet can reveal them as the snakes they are. That's if you are looking for it. Pay attention!
The liar can tell his tale, or spin her web, and feel far less guilt if he does not have his feet firmly planted on the ground. Doubt the words of anyone whose feet are not flat on the floor and steady.
Caution! As children, females in our culture are taught that it is not proper to wiggle and run around like little boys do to get rid of excess energy.
Girls are admonished to "sit still like a little-lady," so they move their feet and hands. As adults, some eager, excited women fidget and squirm their feet as they hold everything above their knees in a proper, polite posture. LYING HANDS
Patting oneself usually means the person is trying to reassure himself. It's the same as patting a child gently to let him know everything's going to be okay. It may mean that the person is taking a big risk by talking with this attractive woman so he tells himself, "everything will be fine." Then again, it could mean that he's telling himself that it's okay to lie just this one time.
Worry and anxiety are behind wringing one's hands. But a similar gesture, rubbing one's hands together means excitement and anticipation. The verbal expression that would accompany rubbing one's hands together is "Oh boy, oh boy!"
When someone pinches himself on the hand, it is often an attempt to distract himself from a powerful emotion. It could be guilt about telling a lie. It could be he's trying to hide how excited he is, or how nervous and afraid he is.
Picking at one's cuticles or nails is sometimes the same as hand pinching, but generally it means the person is angry or frustrated.
When hands are folded with fingers intertwined, it commonly means the person is trying to disguise what his hands want to divulge.
The liar often moves his hands toward his mouth or eyes during or immediately after the lie. Sometimes he rests his elbows on the table and raises his folded hands in front of his mouth and speaks from behind this barrier.
These photos show many ways people unground themselves. It's an attempt at not feeling something, usually guilt for lying but can hiding be sexual excitement.
These gestures can also mean he doesn't believe that you really are as you present yourself. As always, it takes more data to make a firm decision.
The key to spotting a liar is to ignore all signals except his hands and feet. That includes ignoring the honeyed words we all enjoy hearing. BEARD OR DISGUISE
A few men actually look better with a beard. For example, those with receding chins or pock-marked complexions. Occasionally a man is compensating for a bald head. Many times his beard is an attempt to make the world believe he's an intelligent authority figure. Other times, his beard is a facade that he hides behind while he manipulates you with words.
Be suspicious. Start with the attitude that he must prove himself doubly. As always, rely on your intuition.
Many people wear glasses for the same reason as some men wear beards—they want others to see them as intelligent or they are hiding behind a wall of glass. The most suspicious glasses are tinted. Hiding one's eyes is always suspect. It is similar to rubbing one's eye or averting one's eyes. MISTAKEN SIGNS OF DISHONESTY
Unless he touches his face, some postures or gestures are commonly mistaken for lying. But, they usually mean he's controlling himself, trying prevent his excitement or nervousness from showing.
When standing or sitting, if his legs are crossed, but not tightly, that's okay. When seated, if he has both hands folded, holding his knee cap, that's probably just nervousness. If he's holding his shin or calf with one or both hands, he's not open but probably isn't lying.
UPPER LEFT The person is holding onto himself as well as ungrounding his feet. Either he's telling a big lie, or the emotions he's avoiding are quite powerful.
UPPER RIGHT The person is distracting himself by pinching and picking at his cuticles. He could be a liar or he's trying not to show his feelings.
LOWER LEFT Although a hand touching the face is usually disbelief or lying, this gesture means the listener is bored or he's evaluating what he's hearing.
LOWER RIGHT Tugging his ear means "I don't 'hear' what's being said." If listening, he does not believe what he's hearing. If talking, doesn't believe himself.
MAJOR CLUSTER OF GESTURES If she's talking, this woman is telling a colossal lie. If listening, she is utterly disgusted with the person who is talking.
From top to bottom, notice all the different signals she is sending. Her head is vertical, not tilted, revealing that she is not interested. Her eyes are closed, indicating she's either telling a lie or does not believe what she's hearing.
Her finger is touching her nose as the rest of her hand covers her mouth. This indicates "something stinks," or "I don't believe what I said," or "I don't believe what I heard." She is hunched over, not sitting up erect and alert. She has closed herself off completely by crossing her arms and crossing her legs. Only one foot is on the floor and it is not solidly planted, but rocked back on the heel.
WALL OF HANDS Talking from behind a wall of hands indicates lying or being extremely cautious with his choice of words. During courtship, this gesture means he 's not open, thus probably not sincere.
EYE RUB OR TOUCH This gesture usually means the person can't "see" what's being said. If listening, he does not believe the speaker. If talking, he does not believe himself Can also mean the person is bored or sleepy.
DISGUISED EYE RUB Even though she only touched her forehead above her eye as if to fix her hair, this gesture indicates disbelief Notice that it is combined with a back-of-hand gesture to display a wedding ring, indicating that she is not even slightly interested.
HAND TO MOUTH This gesture often begins as a slight bottom-of-the-nose rub. The hand stays and covers the mouth. That means he does not believe the speaker or he's preventing himself from saying something.
Women, do not mistake arrogance or snobbishness for confidence. Even more dangerous, beware of any man who treats you with disdain or contempt. That is not confidence. These guys dislike women and enjoy hurting them, sometimes even physically. Pay attention to your intuition. See photos of arrogance vs confidence in the upcoming chapter, Courtship Tactics For Men.
Men, it is usually not a good idea to chase any female for more than a few feet, figuratively, because she may enjoy running away instead of being caught, a summary version of Rapo. (To be explained shortly.) However, she may be playing Catch Me And I'm Yours. If that's the case, you must chase at least twice to pass this test of your sincerity. Much more about tests versus games is coming up in Resistance., Reluctance And Tests. IT'S NOT ALL NONVERBAL
Sometimes the first clue that he's lying is his use of exaggerated nonverbal gestures of sincerity or confidence. Confirm your suspicion. Be on the alert for gratuitous verbal reassurances liars often use. / wouldn't lie to you and Let me be truthful with you will tip you off. Others: I'm serious, or You can believe me, plus any other rendition that causes a bystander to say, "Methinks the [snake] doth protest too much."
GAME PLAYERS AND MANIPULATORS
Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis, explained these kinds of people best in his book The Games People Play.
Some women play Rapo, as in Rape-o. During the conversation she's relaxed but suggestive and appears to be eager to "jump in the sack." When the man proposes they take steps toward that end, she recoils in horror and protests loudly with some version of, "What kind of girl do you think I am?"
To win the biggest prize, she needs an audience. Her payoff? The Rapo player shows everyone within earshot that she is a good girl who is erotically appealing. At the same time, she proves to herself that she's attractive and desirable without the danger of emotional and sexual involvement.
Homosexual and impotent men play a similar game called Cavalier. The player's not going to get rejected, hurt or exposed because he's not going to follow through on his charming and gallant act.
The Cavalier leads her on, then when she suggests they take the first step toward a sexual union, he recoils in horror and says something like, "I'm not that sort of unrefined fellow."
Just like the Rapo player, the Cavalier needs an audience. If he's a homosexual, he wants men to notice him. If impotent, he wants everyone to think he can perform and that he's attractive sexually. HANNIBAL AND OTHER CANNIBALS
In Silence Of The Lambs, Anthony Hopkins convinced us all that he was Hannibal The Cannibal. Skilled actors and experienced liars, such as salespeople and politicians, can control themselves so that the vast part of their of their body language is in accord with their words.
Rapo and Cavalier players, as well as every other type of manipulator-user of either sex, want sexual gratification without emotional involvement. Their trademarks—appearing supremely confident, poised and relaxed. That's instead of somewhat excited and nervous as genuine people are.
Another tip-off is that game players often dress for the part they are playing GQ man or sexpot. Just remember, smooth talkers are practiced experts. As always, if it's too good to be true, it ain't.
Although, women are powerfully intuitive, they often do not notice the man is lying and therefore, cannot be trusted. There are well-known reasons why some women choose deranged men.
Some women subconsciously want to be mistreated because they believe they don't deserve to be treated properly. Others are so terribly lonely they tolerate horrible behavior so they don't have to be alone. And, still other women, had neurotic fathers who didn't, and couldn't, love them. The men these women seek out are just as screwed up as their fathers. It is a futile attempt to get the love they never got from their fathers.
I think it's a combination of all this and much more that will be covered shortly. Preview—some women want bad boys to prove their love by changing into good men.
Attention Women! IT7//}7someone chooses a man who will hurt her sells psychobabble, pop psychology books and fuels inane daytime TV talk shows. But, and this is a big BUT, you, alone, are responsible for making certain the man you are dating is someone who will not treat you badly.
One more time. Above all else, trust your intuition. If it feels bad, it is bad.
A few days after watching a video of The Thomas Crown Affair, Joanna and I were gazing into each other's eyes as we sipped wine and nibbled hors d'oeuvres in a quiet restaurant three months into our relationship. All of a sudden, she forever lost her doubts about the validity of body language.
Between intense moments of falling deeply into love, I had shared my knowledge of nonverbal communication with her as idle conversation. She was a skeptic, as most people are in the beginning. I had rented the movie as a subtle attempt at convincing her. A few hours after watching it, I rewound to the chess match and seduction scene and asked Joanna to focus on body language.
As the attractive female investigator matched wits with Thomas Crown on the chess board, and about the robbery, she used sexual signals to distract him. Every time it was his turn to move, she idly, but sensually, fondled her bishop. In blunt terms, she masturbated it. Crown could not take his eyes off what she was doing, lost concentration and gave up on chess. Joanna wasn't impressed.
Back to wine and hors d'oeuvres. As we were chatting, Joanna abruptly, and loudly, blurted out, "Look what I'm doing to my glass!" A few nearby diners and I looked. She was slowly and lovingly stroking the long stem, up and down, up and down.
Women, as you talk, don't hesitate to use this subtle, powerful nonverbal signal to tell the man he's doing just fine. Men, the equivalent is to run your finger slowly around the rim of your glass. If you want to be slightly blatant, casually touch the tip of your finger to your mouth now and then to lubricate the rip of the glass. A SUGGESTION FOR WOMEN
As explained in the Preface, I am a man, thus, at times, I write from a man's viewpoint. Some women readers may feel that I am favoring men because of this. No, I am acting on the assumptions stated in the Preface.
So, women, please follow along as I advise the men. They are learning how to deal with what you women do, almost instinctively. Thus, you might be able to identify some areas that you, personally, can change so that the entire courtship effort is simpli fied. If so, the both of you can more easily decide if you should continue, or go on your separate ways. SUMMING IT UP
There are sexual manipulator-users and there are game players. There are sincere people who are afraid and nervous because they have been hurt before. There are people who don't do exactly the right things because they are inexperienced or recently back in the single world. There are genuine, good people. Yourjobis to know who's who.
Here's a summary of the gestures liars use:
SPEAK NO EVIL
SEE NO EVIL
HEAR NO EVIL
FEEL NO EVIL
The next chapter,
What Is Body Language? ex-
plains why we must all realize that you cannot not
You cannot not communicate.
UNKNOWN WISE PERSON
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