The right time to have sex is when you aren't asking anything more than sex from your partner. You know this person, like and trust him or her, and aren't using sex to get power, presents, or a date or as a sign of anything other than mutual interest. If you're looking for signs, read tea leaves or traffic lights. It's never the right time until
1 You've talked about it. By talking about sex, you find out what each of you thinks (that's why before you can talk, you have to know your own mind). If you can't talk about sex, it's too soon to have sex; if you don't trust each other enough to talk, why would you take your clothes off in front of the other person?
It's best to have this conversation about sex when you're both dressed and sober.
1 You know each other's middle name. If you don't know each other's middle name, you probably don't know enough about each other for this kind of trust and intimacy. (Of course, this doesn't mean that you're ready for sex just because you swap middle names halfway through your first date.)
1 You feel passionate about this person. Sex is urgent. If it weren't, who'd go to the trouble? (It is a physically vulnerable position if you think about it.) If the point of sex were merely species survival, for example, why do we humans spend so much time talking and reading and writing about it?
But is urgency passion? It can be, but not necessarily. To understand the difference, think about a full bladder or an excruciatingly tight pair of shoes. Both situations are urgent, but neither is passion. Now think about your favorite meal. Yeah, hunger is an urgent need, but passion is when you care about what slakes your thirst or fills you up. You're going for passion here, not urgency.
^ You've had more than three or four dates. No, this doesn't mean everybody has to have sex by the sixth date, but certainly, have it no sooner than the fourth date. How can you trust your judgment, let alone know your heart, before that?
^ You love touching each other and being touched. You've played kissy face, and there's a lot of hand-holding going on here. You talk a lot in person and on the phone.
^ You see each other more than once a week. This moves you into serious and heavy datingland.
^ You're not having sex with anybody else, and your date isn't either.
If either of you is having sex with someone else, you don't necessarily have to stop seeing each other. But good sex feels preemptive, and if either or both of you are involved sexually with others, that situation sets up loads of conflicts. It increases the probability of lying, which isn't a great idea when you're trying to develop some intimacy and trust, and you'll probably have to deal with jealousy and possessiveness before you've established a basis of knowing and liking and respecting one another.
^ You're ready to practice safe sex. You are prepared to make sure that nobody gets pregnant, hurt, diseased, or misunderstood. You have to be prepared for the responsibility of safe sex — safe medically, emotionally, and prophylactically. Men and women must both be prepared, so carry a condom, everybody.
^ You're both ready and having fun. Nobody feels put upon or martyred or co-opted.
^ You're both willing to deal with the reality that the sex may not be great for either of you. Men often experience impotence or premature ejaculation with a new partner, and women often don't feel comfortable enough to have an orgasm. If either of these common occurrences would blow your relationship out of the water, wait until the relationship has more stability outside the bedroom.
ûXSA Ys voS SAKr voS SAKr
When sex is right, you're physically and emotionally naked. If your goal is sexual release and not an emotional connection, seriously consider masturbation. If you still decide to have sex, at least promise yourself to be honest upfront so that you don't mislead your partner. Remember, one of the assumptions of this book is that you are not a predator — that is, you're not someone who uses or exploits another person just for your own pleasure. The bottom line is that you have to wake up with yourself every day of your life, so don't do something in a fit of sexual heat that is going to make you dislike yourself. Lecture is temporarily over.
Was this article helpful?