the first three dates, you showed up and acted sweet. On the fourth date you can show more of yourself. You can talk about your feelings, as long as you don't get too heavy, or play therapist or mother. Exhibit warmth, charm, and heart. If his dog died or his baseball team lost, express sympathy. Look into his eyes, be attentive and a good listener so that he knows you are a caring human being—a person who would make a supportive wife. Still, don't mention words like marriagp, wedding kids, or the future. Those are subjects for him to bring up. He must take the lead. Talk about something outside your relationship, like your favorite sport, TV show, a great movie the novel you just finished, an interesting article from Sunday s New York Times, or a good museum exhibition you just saw. You get the idea!
Don't tell him what your astrologist; nutritionist, personal trainer, shrink, or yoga instructor think about your relationship with him.
Don't tell him what a mess you were before you discovered seminars and gurus, as in, "My life was such a mess before The Forum (or est)."
Don't tell him he's the first man to treat you with respect. He'll think you're a loser or a tramp.
Don't give him the third degree about his past relationships. It's none of your business.
Don't ssy, "We've got to talk" in a serious tone, or he'll bolt from the bar stool.
Don't overwhelm him with your career triumphs. Try to let shine.
Don't plague him with your neuroses!!
Remember, you won't have to keep such things to yourself forever. Just for the first few months. .. until he says he's in love with you. Eventually you will become more of yourself. It's the first impressions from the first few months of dating that men remember forever.
If you find it hard to keep up this act; then end the date early or see less of him. Letting it all hang out too soon is counterproductive to your goals. Many women are conditioned in therapy to open up very soon. This is fine for therapy or with a girlfriend, but don't do this on a date. The Rules are about opening up slowly so that men aren't overwhelmed by us. It's rather selfish and inconsiderate to burden people with our whole lives on a three-hour date, don't you think? Remember, The Rules are innately unselfish.
But not so unselfish that you feel you have to answer any question you regard as too personal or none of his business just yet. Don't tell him anything that you will regret. Some men like to pry secrets out of women. Women sometimes reveal more than they really care to, hoping that their revelations will draw a man closer to them—but afterwards they feel naked, as well as tricked and cheated. Better to smile when asked a question that is too personal, and say, "Oh, I'd rather not talk about that right now."
Of course personal matters may come up. Be careful how you answer his questions. If he asks you how long you are planning to live in your apartment; say you're renewing your lease. Don't say, for example that you've been hoping to meet a man soon so that you can get a bigger apartment with him when your lease is up. Even if that is in fact your true hope and desire, don't say so or your date will run to the nearest exit.
Act independent so that he doesn't feel that you're expecting him to take care of you. That's as true on the first date as the fiftieth. Jill remembers that when she went bed shopping for herself with Bruce, her boyfriend of six months, she deliberately bought a single bed rather than a queen-size bed. It killed her to have to do this as she was hoping he was "The One" and knew if they were to get engaged and married she would have no use for the bed. But the foldout couch she'd been sleeping on was broken. Rather than consulting Bruce on the bed purchase-asking him what kind of bed he liked and what size he liked, as if to suggest that this might be the bed they would be sharing one day—she bought the single bed as if she had no intention of getting married soon.
It was important not to let Bruce know that she was buying a bed with him in mind, when they weren't married and might never be. Of course the single bed hasn't gone to waste: Jill's in-laws (Bruce's parents) now keep it as a spare in their guest room.
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