Taking inside

Going inside








CULMINATING Culminating Exploding Bursting a new place/feeling/realization

Crossing a Threshold





XX. Ambiguity, or, the Split-Screen Effect

When you say things that are capable of being interpreted in more than one way, your listener will, at least unconsciously, process and emotionally respond to all the possible interpretations.

Think of it this way: your listener creates a mental split-screen, with one screen for each possible interpretation. Your listener will tend to conclude that the more likely interpretation, or the more socially-acceptable one, was the one that you intended.

You should therefore say many things that can be interpreted as being suggestive of sex or romance or emotional bonding, while acting completely innocent about the double meaning.

Example: "Oh, you think you and I should go early and just wait for Sam. Hmm. Yeah, we should .do it!" This of course relies on an idiomatic interpretation of "do it"—e.g., have sex. While this idiom is now dated and has fallen into disuse, the interpretation would still probably cross someone's mind, particularly if you say the phrase with an emphasis.

This Split-Screen Effect underlies the effectiveness of both Erotic Metaphor, which you've already learned about, and Referential Ambiguity, which is discussed below.

XXI. Referential Ambiguity, or How to Make Sure She Associates the Feelings You Create with Thoughts of You

Now that you've learned about how to instill intense emotions inside her, how do you make sure she thinks about you when she feels them? How do you make sure she keeps mentally linking you with the good feelings you've created?

You may have noticed that the examples in this book include many vague phrases like "this experience" and "this person" and "this feeling". Words like this and that are automatically vague; your listener makes sense of them by considering whatever you are already talking about. But you can also supply alternative interpretations for these words, and the best way to do that is nonverbally—point to yourself as you say "this person" or "this wonderful experience".

The idea is to make her consider different possibilities for what you're talking about. When there are multiple interpretations possible, your listener, instinctively, will process and respond to them all. If you describe how wonderful Experience X, and then say, "and this is a great feeling, isn't it?" You could be saying that experiencing X is a great feeling, but you could also saying that the experience of being with you as you talk about X is a great feeling. Since she thinks of both possibilities, she responds emotionally to both suggestions.

You could talk about how great it is when "someone special" performs some Action X, and therefore "this person" makes your listener feel Emotion Y. When you refer to "this person," you should subtly point to yourself. Again, do it subtly, with a slight gesture—enough to catch her eye, but not enough to seem like you're explicitly pointing. You should point to yourself as if you don't realize you're doing it, and so that it seems you're not really doing it. A movement of your fingers inward, toward your chest, while you say "this person," is often enough.

The examples published in this book often contain things like "Experience a wonderful feeling.This feels me.this is how I feel about this." The phrase, ".now.with me.this is how I feel." would likely drive your third-grade teacher up the wall, but grammar of crystalline perfection is not the point—the point is to connect the phrase "now.with me" to the prior phrase, "This feels good." You're deliberately making it unclear where the sentence ends, by changing.the Are you saying, "This feels good. Now, with me, this is how I feel," or are you saying "This feels good now with me"? You're saying both, and therefore the woman you're speaking to will respond emotionally to both. You're giving her a command about what to feel, and she'll follow it.

After you describe a pleasurable state, get into the habit of saying things like the following:

"I wonder if you can feel this.. .Now.. .with me.I think blah blah blah";

"This is a great experience to have.With think blah blah blah";

"Do you sense how these possibilities and feelings connect? Can you. connect me.these connections seem blah blah blah"

As it happens, when you induce a feeling, there's a good chance she'll automatically associate it with you. But using these sorts of ambiguities, ramming home the idea that she should associate them with you, helps maintain the association once you're out of the room. If you don't directly associate yourself with the emotions, she'll likely just transfer them to her boyfriend.

Some of this book's examples also feature what's sometimes called the First-Person to Second-Person Perspectival Shift, or, more memorably, the I/You Shift. The I/You Shift happens naturally in conversation, as you get more involved with what you're saying. In fact, the last sentence contained an I/You Shift. The structure of an I/You Shift is like this: "When I X, I blah blah blah.You know, you X blah blah blah." "When I experience ZORK, it's a great feeling. You know, you feel a sense of ZORK and then you begin to WHOOFLE." You move from describing something your experience from the first-person perspective ("I X") to describing your experience from the second-person perspective ("You X"). The second-person perspective allows you to give very strong, explicit commands about what your listener should experience, while it still logically seems as if you are merely describing your own experience. ("When you feel this way, it's as if your whole body is just on fire with me.this is my way of looking at it.")


1. Directly associate yourself with the emotions you produce by using phrases like "with" and "connect".

2. Subtly point to yourself when you talk about a hypothetical person or experience which makes her feel good.

3. When describing pleasurable states, move from using First-Person Perspective to Second-Person Perspective. Move from saying I to saying You.

XXII. Values

You can motivate a woman to take an action or avoid an action by leveraging her values.

What are "values"?

Values are abstractions which cause attraction or repulsion and therefore drive decisions. They are decision-making criteria.

Everyone has values; everyone's values are a little bit different.

They're a little bit different, because values are built around abstract words—words like "power," "patriotism," "economical," "loving," etc. And everyone's sensory and emotional associations with a given abstract word are different. When you say "patriotism," some people will imagine clubbing Hitler and feeling proud and strong; others will imagine being hit with a beer bottle by some drunken redneck with the Stars and Stripes on his truck's bumper.

Knowing someone's values means knowing how to hook into that person's emotions.

Let's consider an example.

Gina is planning to buy a car. The salesman asks her, "What are you looking for in a car?" "Quality," she says.

Now, quality could mean anything. At this point, we know only that if Gina believes a car has "quality," it will be more attractive to her than one without "quality," all things being equal. The salesman decides to narrow things down a bit. "Yes, quality is crucial. And do you want to drive out of here today driving something really stylish, really fast, really reliable, or really economical? You want it, you got it."

"What kind of person do you think I am? Do you think I would drive something without style? It must have style! It must be a quality car!"

For Gina, "style" equals "quality", which equals "Good Thing". At this point, the salesman knows to describe all the attributes of the car he wishes to sell her in terms of "style" and "quality," and will use those words again and again. He certainly won't describe the car in terms of how reliable or economical it is. He can also press for greater detail, so that he can find out what she values about "style" and "quality," because values are linked to more important values, and to someone's beliefs about the way the world works. If the salesman, some weeks later, happens upon Gina at a bar, he will relate the things he says—not just about cars, but about everything imaginable, and everything likely to make her feel good and excited--to style and quality as well.

You can elicit the value behind a decision or desire by asking a question like this:

What do you like most about X?

What do you like most about your job? What's the most interesting part about moving out here? What made your boyfriend stand out from all the guys who come up to you all the time?

Once you figure out the driving value, you can figure out the value driving that value. If you ask Gina what's important about style, she may well say, "Well, you know—when something is stylish, it's special." If you proceed to describe something to Gina as special, that thing will begin to seem even more important than something you've described as having style. If you ask her what's important about something being special, she may say that when something is special, it's powerful. Or irresistible. And the word she uses to describe the value driving "special" will have more influence for her than does "special".

The first time you ask someone what's important about X, she'll likely say, "I don't know," and give you a funny look. People's values tend to operate beneath conscious awareness. They are lenses and filters— they lead us to screen some information out, make some things seem important, make other things seem trivial. They help us retain the information that matters to us, so that we are not overloaded by all the information available to us.

How do use this information? Given the values above, you could say something like the following:

"For me, the real question, when it comes to deciding how much you like someone, is—Is this a person of quality? You know, really—Is this a quality person? Because, you know, when you're really with a quality person, that person'll have a very real sense of style. Maybe you know what I mean. Some people wouldn't, and that's okay, they're just not for me. Maybe you're someone who can understand how a quality person, someone with real personal style, someone who's special, can just make you feel so special, that the whole experience of being with this person is itself very special, and very, very powerful."

The words that hold together our value hierarchies—in Gina's case, for example, quality, style, special, powerful--are arbitrary, and will vary from person to person. Do these chains of words correspond to anything factual or logical? Nope. But they are an effective model of the way our minds work, and accepting this can get you laid.


1. Values are abstractions that attract us or repel us, thereby affecting our decisions about the physical world.

2. Everyone has different sensory associations with a given abstract value.

3. Everyone has values; everyone's values are different.

4. Feeling that you are in conflict with one of your personal values is painful; feeling that you are in agreement with your values is pleasurable.

5. Values are stacked in hierarchies, like meta-feelings. An important value will override a trivial value.

6. Describe a connection between a choice and your listener's values, and that choice will become more attractive.

For more information on values and the relationship of values to beliefs and perception, read Gut Impact, available from

XXIII. Verbal Alchemy, or, How to Turn Experiential Lead into Emotional Gold

An event, experience, or perception needn't actually be inherently interesting for you to make it interesting for your female listener. Remember, for women, the external stimulus is like the starting gun of a race; the real action comes from one's internal response to the stimulus.

How do you convert any topic into an excuse for evoking intense states? How can you make anything exciting?

There are three particularly useful tools for this process:

1. Double Lollipop

2. Synesthesia

3. Sensory Qualities

The Double Lollipop, you'll remember, filters data into two extremes of specificity: at one extreme, abstract and free of sensory info; on the other, detailed and precise, with one visual and textural and sonic detail after another. Applying the Double Lollipop, even to something mundane, gives you plenty of raw material for description. Consider, for example, the act of filing papers into a folder:

"I filed some papers into a folder today. On one level, that's pretty mundane—okay, maybe crushingly mundane. But when I think about what's important about it, it's as if I get a different perspective on my life. I'm looking at this vanilla folder, this firm, stiff piece of paper, and it's as if, in choosing to open it, and put things inside it, I'm welcoming a firm, stiff sense of resolve into my life. You know, the color is a kind of cross, a mix between yellow, beige, and skin-tone—the color is so odd that it has a kind of individual, even human quality to it—there's something warm and living to it. And the smoothness of its surface, as you think about spreading it open and putting something inside it, can give you a sense— when you really open to this new thought—of how much smoother your life can be, once you let this open and take the right thing inside. With me.thinking about this.thinking about being open like's like, you really, finally realize that sliding all those papers inside.all those thoughts,'s like you're helping yourself to move on. You're gaining a sense of perspective, and giving yourself permission to grow again, to evolve, to move toward your next phase of identity.all this, by just spreading open what's meant to be opened, and putting in what you need...Me...I know this is meaningful and true. This is what life's about."

Now, what does the paragraph above ostensibly describe?

Filing some friggin' papers!

So, given the act of filing papers, we a) extrapolated wildly, and arrived at the bubbleword perspective. Remember, for women, everything is an opportunity for "realizing"/"learning"/"discovering," so this seems a natural transition. Anything can lead to a sense of perspective. Then, from the abstract end of the Double Lollipop, we b) went down to the specific end, and focused on texture and color: vanilla, firm, stiff. Next, we c) went abstract again, and extrapolating from the sensation of firmness, arrived at the bubbleword resolve.

And so on.

Again and again, we exaggerate sensations into intense emotions and pile seemingly irrelevant or obvious detail upon obvious detail. Why? Because listening to these decriptions of emotions and sensory perceptions makes women feel really good.

Synesthesia is the translation of one sense into another: seeing a feeling, or hearing an image, or feeling a sound. Synesthesia is often used to describe a particularly powerful sensation or experience, rather as if the experience somehow overflows the first sensory channel—for instance, vision—and spills into another—for example, tactile feeling. "Have you ever found yourself staring into eyes so dazzling, so shiny and bright, that it's as if they seem to grab you and hold you in place?" In this example, shiny/bright (visual)^grab/hold (tactile).

More examples:

1) "Isn't it great when a painting is so beautiful that it speaks to you—speaks to you in a rich, resonant voice that seems to echo inside you, as if your entire body is an amphitheatre?"

2) "Sometimes you can feel something so powerfully that you can feel yourself glowing, shining, golden, sparkling, radiant—as if it's opening your eyes to a whole new range of experiences, and you see the world as a place in which your dreams can now unfold before you!"

3) "I love it when an experience is so relaxing, so warm and smooth and soothing, that it's like the sweet taste of chocolate, melting in your mouth, with a taste so sweet and delicious that it seems as though a choir of angels, as though golden-winged seraphim and ruby-lipped cherubim, are singing inside your body's every cell, and the beat of your heart is the sound of your soul being led ever deeper into a sweet and luscious delight."

In example 1. vision^hearing;

2. tactile feeling^vision;

3. tactile feeling^taste^vision^sound^taste

The emotional impact of an imagined experience can be intensified using Sensory Qualities (or submodalities, as they are termed in NLP). Examples of Sensory Qualities include size, brightness, speed, loudness, and location. As a general rule, whatever makes an image more accessible or more easily experienced will intensify the emotional impact of that imagined experience; the degree to which a quality is present tends to function as an internal metaphor for emotional intensity. For example, when someone describes an experience as bright, telling that person to make her internal image of the experience brighter will tend to make the emotional impact of the experience even stronger; making the image larger or closer will probably also intensify the feeling. Typically, there will be one or two dimensions that will have a particularly strong impact; it could be size, warmth, location, in visual space, or anything at all—but you may as well as play with a variety of different Sensory Qualities. Turn all the dials up.


1) "Isn't it wonderful when you can feel an extraordinary sense of peace inside you, peace so thorough and profound that it's like a warm pool developing within you.Imagine making it even warmer, so the peace within you becomes even fuller...and so warm now that the sense of peace is doubling inside you, so this vast sense of peace inside you doubles and deepens with every breath."

2) "My friend Tatiana sometimes talks about how, when she truly connects with know, on a spiritual's almost as if there's a glow around both her and the other's like a huge, hot, red ball of energy.Can you imagine what it would be like to feel that...and then feel it growing larger.and growing hotter.and the hotter it gets, the more connected you start to feel.and the larger it becomes.the more connected, spiritually, you become.and the hotter this ball of energy becomes?"

3) "Ever notice the way that, when you really find yourself absorbed in something, everything around you just pulls you right back to this one irresistibly attractive experience? It's like it's becoming magnified in your mind—moment by moment, it's getting's so huge that it's the only thing worth having.and the bigger it gets—

in your mind, that is-- the more you know this is what you need right's like a voice inside you saying, 'Yes, open to this.. .because.. .you need this now.' Over and over, that's what it says.and the voice gets louder and more resonant every time.every moment, you feel yourself responding to this voice saying, 'Yes, open to this.. .because.. .you need this now.' And every time you hear it, the deeper inside you it goes, and the deeper you know it's going to go, and the more you know that the more you try not to think about it the bigger it gets, until you realize you've accepted that this is the only thing that matters."


1. To make a description more compelling and evocative for your listener, use the Double Lollipop, Synesthesia, and Sensory Qualities.

2. The Double Lollipop consists of a description with emotional bubblewords and detailed sensewords.

3. Synesthesia renders an experience in one sensory channel—for example, vision—into an experience in another sensory channel—for example, hearing.

4. Sensory Qualities are the visual, tactile, auditory, gustatory, and olfactory properties of something imagined. Each property falls along a spectrum; when, for example, you direct someone to make an image larger than she'd imagined it before, it will typically evoke a stronger response within her.

For more information on Synesthesia and Sensory Qualities, read "Gut


XXIV. The Female Sexual Ramp

While individuals all have different chains of values, women tend to have particular values when it comes to sex—and yep, they're different from those of men. Always remember that in the back of their minds, most women are considering the possibility of things like pregnancy and long-term mating. Women are playing for much higher stakes than men, and so tend to be more selective and more emotional.

Women, as suggested earlier, tend to have a more elaborate decision-making process. It's not just a matter of getting turned on, it's a matter of feeling comfortable about being turned on, and feeling comfortable about acting on their desires.

The pattern, for women, tends to be something like this:




4)sexual desire;

5)trust of the guy desired, or comfort about acting on desire.

Focus is the process of mentally separating you from everyone else, and so concentrating on you. She focuses on you because you seem to differ from others in some way. You're handsome, or witty, or stylish, or successful, or charming, or rude, or domineering, or arrogant, or seductive, etc.

Intrigue is the process of thinking and wondering about that person she's classified as "different"—you. When you intrigue her, she starts wondering how you compare to those she knows, and how you can fit into her life.

Instinctively, she wants you to seem different from others, and yet to reveal values which are progressively more similar to her own.

Connection is that mysterious personal electricity sometimes called rapport—the sense that you and she "have the same view," "are on the same wavelength," "feel close". It's a feeling that you and she understand each other, have the same goals, and wish each other well—and typically, the sense that the relationship may deepen.

It should be noted that women tend to respond strongly to notions such as "fate" and "destiny," and they tend to believe that emotional connections are products of fate and destiny. If we want to take a Freudian tack, we may note that, yes, men have their sex organs outside the body and can direct their ejaculate and urine, and that women's sex organs are concealed, internal, and not things they can aim at leisure; moreover, women are at the mercy of menstrual cycles and, when it comes to pregnancy, the luck of the draw. Perhaps because of this, women often have a deep respect for the mysterious and the not-obviously-rational; frequently believe that sudden emotions and unforeseen events easily overpower logic, plans, and willpower; and tend toward emotional fatalism—the sense that things such as sexual encounters just happen, or are just meant to be. Women often like being swept off their feet, i.e., finding themselves responding so strongly that conscious choice seems not to be involved.

Women often feel that emotional connections, particularly sexual connections, are fated.

Sexual desire is lust, plus the real possibility of acting on this lust. At this point a woman is physically aroused, considering possibilities, and weighing consequences. Of course, a woman may well be in this state prior to all of the others we've listed, but in order to maximize the odds that she'll go along with what her body wants and have sex with you, we suggest you first lay the emotional groundwork she needs to feel comfortable about having sex. Laying this groundwork means dealing with the emotional stuff in steps 1 and 2—intrigue and connection, respectively.

Trust is in some sense about the future—about what she expects will happen after she has sex with you. If she feels you'll hurt her—whether by not calling her, calling her too often, telling the whole town about your fling, or interfering in her existing relationship—she likely won't act on her desire. At this point, obviously, you must provide the sense that she can trust you to make her feel good, and afterward, make her feel good about having had sex with you.

Once you get through step 4, you should just keep cycling through steps 2, 3, and 4, while spending the most energy on step 3, intensifying her sexual arousal.

Remember, all of the emotional states above are, by definition, abstractions, and therefore you can induce these emotional states by describing them. Talk about what it's like when you feel connected; describe what your friend Tessa feels when she experiences trust.

As it happens, the sequence given above isn't accurate for all women—some women are made uncomfortable by the idea of emotional connection, or think sex and emotional connection are mutually exclusive— and of course, those women, conveniently, are often quite responsive to physical, direct approaches. Still, something like the sequence given above is fairly standard, and can usually be relied on. Later in the book you'll find a chapter on different types of women, with their respective recommended approaches.

Talk first about safe, unthreatening emotional states, such as "comfort," "relaxation," and "learning". Only after inducing comfortable emotions should you move on to more emotionally-charged topics, such as "connection" and "sexuality". Over time, you can become more and more sexually suggestive. You should leave direct sexual proposition to the end, if broached at all; it's best to couch your sexual suggestions in terms of erotic metaphors and stories about other people's sexual experiences and comments, so that your listener doesn't feel she's being put on the spot--and continue to feed her stories and amplify her arousal until she takes action. Tell the stories as if you don't realize you, and the stories, are arousing her.

XXV. What a Woman Wants to Feel

Women tend to have more preconditions than do men concerning sexual contact. They need to feel that more criteria have been fulfilled. These criteria, these values, these keywords you should allude to liberally in conversation, so that the woman has the sense that they are being met. You should stimulate and induce them, using images and metaphors. You should reinforce them, using Proof by Enjoyable Analogy. What are these criteria? Here are some common ones:

1. Physical safety

2. Emotional connection

3. Trust

4. Destiny

5. Surrender to something greater than herself

6. Emotional variety

Physical safety is important to a woman because she rarely loses sight of the fact that she's physically vulnerable. Almost any male she encounters would be able to physically overpower her. Much of the function of her male mate is to protect her, and having a man who can defend her physically tends to be important, if not necessarily consciously. Talking about physical safety directly tends to produce thoughts of physical danger, and might even make her frightened by you, so it's much better to talk about states of relaxation and comfort. These states imply inducing a sense of physical safety, without making her think of falling off a cliff or being attacked while walking to her car.

"Destiny" and "surrender" are particularly revealing, particularly important. Sex can be so meaningful for a woman, so dangerous and powerful, that it's easier for her to experience it if she can disown responsibility. She'll therefore rationalize: Sex wasn't her idea, it wasn't your idea—it just happened. It was destiny. It wasn't planned—she was swept away. Her passions were overwhelming. It just happened. It was meant to be. This also reflects the feminine emphasis on the irrational and nonlogical, and the belief that the Unknown easily sweeps aside human plans. Women tend to believe that when something is unplanned, when something overpowers human thought and intention, it's more valid and more true. In fact, the notion of destiny is so commonly applied that it seems to be a built-in category, a built-in criterion, a built-in test as to how she feels about a relationship. When she feels really really good about a sexual situation, then it was meant to be. If she stops feeling good about it, then it wasn't meant to be—but, hey, there's this really cute, really fun guy she just met—and maybe.maybe a relationship with him is just. meant to be. Surrender is similar—sex, for a woman, should be a matter of giving in to something overwhelming—giving in to an overwhelming passion, to something that's so right that she has no choice in the matter. At most, her only choice should be whether, or when, to recognize the inevitability of the situation. Look, this is not the most pleasant of thoughts, but in the real world, in practice, most women, to feel as strongly as they wish, need to feel that some outside agency is causing things to happen— that they are passive and receptive, and that fate, or destiny, or passion, or an overwhelmingly powerful man is taking responsibility for what she is feeling. She wants to feel that the thing she's dealing with is so powerful that she can be passive and enjoy responding to the rich variety of feelings this powerful thing is eliciting.

This brings up another matter: emotional variety. Women like using all their emotional muscles—they like feeling happy and sad and proud and humiliated and wanted and unwanted. They want to you hit every note on the keyboard, at least once in a while. If you only seek to elicit happy-face emotions in a woman, she will feel bored. She will feel unchallenged. She will feel as if the relationship is incomplete, and that she's not pushing herself and not developing herself. And the negative emotions she experiences as part of a relationship often validate the depth and importance of that relationship for her. "Oh, if he can make me feel Negative Emotion X and yet I still love him, this must be a really important relationship! This is the real thing! This is fate! This was meant to be!"

When a woman dumps a man, it's usually not because of the negative emotions he was inducing—it's usually because the positive emotions he was inducing weren't strong enough. Now, as a side note, I don't particularly like these conclusions. When I was very young, I certainly wouldn't have accepted them--I thought men and women were pretty much the same, and any differences were just products of culture, early childhood programming, etc. But no—culture has a strong impact, yet men and women are basically wired in different ways. Behavior that can seem rude and pointless to men—that is, being a dick-- can feel like an exciting emotional workout to women.

A woman tends to yearn for a sense of safety—she therefore is drawn to "strength" (e.g., dominance), and often needs to feel that the man she's with is strong. Oftentimes "bitchy" behavior is an attempt to elicit a show of dominance from you. Because a woman wants you to be "strong," she will also typically provide opportunities for you to demonstrate strength and earn her respect; she can do this by playing the needy, helpless, Lost Little Girl; by teasing you and inviting you to tease her in return; or by seeming argumentative, hostile, and uncooperative.

A woman tends to identify with the "strength" of the man she's involved with—that is, when he acts in aggressive, resolute, forceful ways, it makes her feel good. That often also applies to "strong" behaviors toward her; a woman often interprets your ability to be aggressive/ resolute/ forceful/ dominant/ obnoxious toward her as a measure of how well you could protect her from others' aggression, if the need arose. Whereas a man tends to choose a woman primarily for her beauty, a woman tends to choose a man because that man embodies characteristics she would like to embody; a woman wants a man she would, on some level, like to be. For the record, the practice of identifying with the strength of another is of course a fair description of the structure of masochism—and female fantasies often have a strong masochistic element.

She will often enjoy it when you express dominance, relative to others and to her. Mocking her and using baby-talk both tend to make her feel good—or rather, reassure her of your relative power, and thereby make her feel good.

Along with emotional variety and the sense that she's on an emotional roller-coaster, along with the sense of surrendering to something greater, women are often inspired by competition, and more to the point, competition for a particular man. Remember, whereas men tend to be interested in having lots and lots of beautiful women, having more and more external experiences, women want tend to be more interested in one, infinitely deep experience—that is, capturing a man who can lead her to ever more emotionally powerful experiences. Therefore, as we'll discuss in greater detail later, women want The One Perfect Guy—and see themselves competing with other women for The One. Prior to sexual involvement (and the intense emotions which sex can unleash in a woman), it's efficient for a woman to rely on the judgment of other women. Prior to sexual bonding, the opinions of her friends, and of other women around you, have a strong impact on her. If there's evidence that other women find you attractive, you immediately become much more valuable.

Though men tend to be the ones who get up and march across the bar to meet women, women see themselves as catching men. They therefore respond strongly to rejection. When there's a subtle rejection, or there's less interest than expected, a woman often has an internal response of "I'll show him! I'll make this guy like me!" Finally, a women typically has the sense that somewhere out there is The One—the perfectly fitting guy, the one who can make her feel challenged and complete and fulfilled, the one who can hit every key on her emotional piano.

Also, remember that a woman wants more—she wants to be reminded that she can feel more and deeper and more powerful emotions than she's felt thus far. Oftentimes, simply alluding to the idea of experiencing more will induce strong rapport.

XXVI. Holding Out for a Hero

Women, even the most independent of heterosexual women, tend to respond very, very powerfully to a primitive archetype: the powerful man.

When women get involved with men they don't view as "powerful"— when they date "nice guys" and "good providers," it's often because they've been hurt by guys they've found more exciting. And that fantasy of the powerful, exciting man is almost always latent, and therefore something you can tap into.

Mr. Powerful is the guy you find in romance novels. Of course, in romance novels he's always rich and handsome, tall of stature, deep of voice, and broad of shoulder, but those, for our purposes, aren't his most important attributes. The important attributes are products of belief and behavior, and therefore, things you can adopt and demonstrate, in a way that excites the women you meet.

What are the attributes of the powerful man? First, independence. The hero doesn't need her. Moreover, he frequently rejects her in subtle ways. He often leans away from her and moves away from her, out of arm's reach. His body language, facial expression, and vocal tone frequently deliver nonverbal messages of "I don't need you; you need me" or "You're not important" or "You're not good enough" or "You're disappointing me."

Second, the hero has plans and objectives, a path he's chosen for himself. These things don't center around her. As far as the hero is concerned, she can stay or go. Whatever she does or thinks or feels won't sway him from his path. If she's really, really lucky—if she proves again and again how worthy she is—maybe he will let her have a place in his life. But she will never be the center of his life.

Third, the hero is determined. The hero knows what he's doing, knows where he's going, and goes after what he wants until he gets it. Nothing sways him, and he doesn't bitch or whine about mistakes or errors. Make it absolutely clear that your aims are the only things that really matter to you.

Fourth, the hero is greater and more special than she is—he doesn't put her on a pedestal; instead, he occasionally lifts her up to his pedestal, and usually just allows her to fantasize him doing it. The rule is this: He must always demonstrate that he regards himself and his aims as more important than her aims and her needs. While women love intimacy, when it comes to love, they usually want intimacy with someone they see as greater, rather than someone they see as a mere equal.

Fifth, he challenges her. In practice, this sometimes means undermining her confidence--and as we've mentioned, when you do this, when you subtly or not so subtly reject or downgrade her, she'll often find it stimulating and energizing. Use the following formulas: "Too bad you aren't/don't X" and "If only you were/could X".

When you challenge her or criticize her, she'll often become motivated to prove her worthiness. You should occasionally point out her shortcomings, and most importantly, contemptuously point out her behavior when she tries to play games.

You can also be challenging by being a) volcanic and/or b) remote. To achieve the effect of Amorous Vulcanism, you should raise your voice, make melodramatic physical gestures, be impatient, smolder, glower. Occasionally act very angry. Your intensity will reinforce her sense that, in being with you, she's part of something exciting.

To be remote, use silence a great deal. Silence, in combination with eye contact, is very powerful. After you deliver a script, make eye contact and hold it silently—this will usually encourage her to process what you've said even more thoroughly. Also, don't talk about yourself very much, except in relation to your plans and your objectives. Your silence lets her project her romantic fantasies all the more thoroughly. Don't talk about your doubts or errors. Silence can have the cruel but useful effect of heightening her anxieties. And in worrying about whether she's about to lose you, she sees your value grow. And in seeing your value grow, she feels prouder of the relationship and more fulfilled.

Perhaps the best approach is to alternate Angry Intensity with Cold Inaccessibility. These behaviors, of course, are the sticks—the carrots, which should form the basis of your relationship, are the good feelings you create through regular verbal stimulation. As much as possible, say only things that will induce strong states in her—induce strong positive feelings, negative feelings, positive feelings—and not much else. Pump up her emotions, and then give her lots of silence. Ignore her. When you do venture something personal or reveal vulnerability, it'll seem like a reward, and a mark of how Deep your relationship is becoming.

Bear in mind, though, that when women complain about a lack of communication, they're usually upset at the lack of pleasurable verbal stimulation—that is, the lack of those kinds of experiences which this book has taught you to create. When you provide regular verbal stimulation and feed her plenty of bubblewords, "communication" will seldom be an issue.

One might think: Hey, you've pretty much just recommended behaving like a Neanderthal.


Bear in mind that if you ask a woman about the sort of behaviors described above, she'll almost surely describe them as reprehensible and very unattractive. What does she like? Well, she'll probably say, she really likes nice, patient, respectful, loyal guys who treat her really well.

On the other hand, if you simply manifest the sort of behaviors described above, she'll tell all her friends what an exciting guy she's met.


Women find you more attractive when you display the following attributes:

1. Independence. You don't need her; she needs you.

2. Focus. Your goals are more important than anything else, including her.

3. Determination. You persist in the face of obstacles.

4. Superiority (to her and others). You're the elusive prize; she should feel that not losing you is a challenge in itself.

5. Alternating Intensity and Coolness. On occasion, be rude, challenging, provocative, and/or frustrating—it's much better to piss her off than to bore her.

XXVII. The Four Modes of Female Response

For our purposes, it's useful to group women into four types. These aren't Galen's Four Temperaments, or even Keirsey's neo-Jungian Four Temperaments derived from the work of Myers and Briggs. Our four types don't constitute a personality grid, because they have little to do with personality per se. (If you want to know how to use personality types as a tool of influence, order Gut Impact, available from .) Our four types simply represent some typical styles of response a given woman may employ on a given day, when you approach her. A particular woman may employ a different response mode at some other time, based on her mood or her degree of rapport with you.

The Four Types: Revealer Concealer Contrarian Sensualist

Revealers: Most of those you meet will be Revealers—that is, they will give you a fair amount of information when you ask them about their values. They will usually exhibit strong, visible responses when you induce strong feelings through your descriptions, and they tend to be open to talking about their values, thoughts, emotions, and sensations. In fact, they may interrupt your monologues to tell you about what they're feeling—when they do, they'll probably also disclose their values, so listen.

Revealers want your understanding—i.e., they want you to listen.

Signs of a Revealer: She's comfortable talking about her emotions and feelings. Occasionally, she can be so eager to share her internal experience that she'll interrupt you.

How to Stimulate a Revealer: Ask her questions about her values and feelings. Listen to what she tells you—let her talk herself into arousal-- and then incorporate her keywords into your monologues. Then again listen for more feedback.

Concealers: Concealers tend to be reluctant to talk about their values and their internal experiences. Typically, this stems from suspicion, a fear of inadequacy, or both. Highly disciplined professional women, fragile introverts, and formerly-fat girls are all frequently Concealers. When a woman is in Concealer mode, you should be prepared to feed her many, many descriptions while refraining from asking her many questions. They'll usually eventually open up, but they need to be warmed up, and their confidence should be gained, by hearing many things from you first. Bear in mind that persistent signs of fragility suggest that someone is skating on thin ice, emotionally; such people can lash out in extreme, impulsive, and desperate ways.

Concealers value trust.

Signs of a Concealer: She'll avoid answering questions about her values and internal experiences. Conversely, she'll often listen greedily to what you tell her about your experiences or others' experiences.

How to Stimulate a Concealer: Don't pry. Instead, tell her lots and lots about your experiences and those of others.

Contrarians: Contrarians tend to be very open about telling you how your descriptions don't match her experience, and how your inferences and assumptions about her are wrong, and how, generally, she is nothing like what you think. Typically, you should agree with what a Contrarian says, but then rely on the Don't Equals Do corollary to the Pink Elephant Principle: Couch your commands in negations. "No, there's absolutely no way you can feel incredibly good right now." "There's no way you can feel the sunlight penetrating all the way inside you." You can also use the sort of tag questions associated with high-pressure salesmen: "You can feel good.can you not?" "You like this.don't you?" A subset of Contrarians are habituallly hostile and aggressive—and oftentimes, this hostility is a test for weeding out insufficiently aggressive males. In these (rare) cases, the gist of your messages should be this; Don't be such a bitch and a fool; what you're saying is bullshit, and only amuses me. When such a woman barks, the most productive response, oddly, is to bark back even more aggressively and contemptuously.sad but true. At any rate, negations fit neatly into expressions of sarcasm and contempt.

Contrarians value challenge; hostile ones value extreme dominance.

Signs of a Contrarian: She'll focus on how what you describe differs from her experiences, and probably tell you about these differences. She'll disagree often. She may try to poke holes in what you're saying. She may be outright hostile.

How to Stimulate a Contrarian: Use negations, challenges, and sometimes forcefulness.

As a side note, many of my students who'd felt intimidated by the thought of approaching women had the belief that most women are of the Warrior Contrarian variety. Actually, very few are. And remember, Warrior Contrarians just happen to believe that blatant dominance=strength=worth, and want to be able to smell and feel the waves of testosterone rising from your body. As with Concealers, a significant proportion of truly hostile Contrarians don't have much emotional flexibility or resilience; in dealing with them, unusual care should be taken.

Sensualists: Sensualists tend to respond well to descriptions of pleasurable states, particularly to descriptions of physical pleasure. And they can get impatient when you don't supply enough descriptions of physical, sensual pleasure, or when you don't start touching them. On the other hand, some can be made uncomfortable by descriptions of emotional states, particularly descriptions of emotional bonding, as well by questions about internal experiences.

Sensualists care about excitement and variety. Signs of a Sensualist: Once you start a description, she'll typically give you at least a moment or two of undivided attention, so that she can determine how good you can make her feel. Abstract talk of values may bore her.

How to Stimulate a Sensualist: Use sensual, sexual talk combined with a fast, smooth transition to physical action.


1. There are four general modes of female response.

2. Revealers like talking about their values, experiences, and sensations. You should let them talk.

3. Concealers are reluctant to disclose their internal experiences. Feed them descriptions.

4. Contrarians disagree with what you say. Use negations; if a Contrarian is extremely hostile, outdo her hostility and contempt.

5. Sensualists like blatantly sensual descriptions; they're also quickly comfortable with physical contact. With Sensualists, you should attempt to get physical relatively fast.

For information on how to push and pull personality types, read Gut Impact.

XXVIII. The Rhythm Method, or, Using a Hypnotic Vocal Tempo

When offering a description and trying to induce an emotion, you. should speak. really. really. slowly.

Speaking slowly, even when it initially sounds funny, has a strong. impact.on your listener's.emotions.

Start off by silently counting "One Thousand" to yourself between phrases. As your images become richer and more detailed, start counting "One Thousand, Two Thousand" between phrases. As you close in for the knock-out, go to counts of Three Thousand and then Four Thousand. As your descriptions get more abstract and emotionally intimate—as you move from talking about the environment or the physical world. to talking about. The Deepest. Parts. of Who. She. Truly. Is, your pauses should become longer.

The longer you pause, the more impact the next thing you say will have.

Will this seem artificial and awkward at first? Probably. But even if the woman you're talking to thinks you're speaking unnaturally slowly, she'll get used to it within a few moments. She'll then start to think, "Oh, that's just Bob—that's just the way he talks" or "He talks like this when he's really sharing his feelings."

More to the point, whatever she thinks about the fact that you're talking slowly, she will feel a powerful response.

Talking.. .really.. .slowly.. .induces.. .a.. .trance.. .state.

XXIX. Embedded Messages

You can nest messages within larger messages, by using vocal emphasis or gesture.

"I wonder what it would feel like to do this now."

"How do you. feel...Pleasure...with something I always strive for. Okay, maybe I am being kinda trite, I guess."

"Hmm, there's this box. I wonder if later I should. put this {POINT TO SELF} inside...You.have an opinion on this?"

XXVIII. Thought Injection

You can present a command while seeming to tell her about a thought.

".Sometimes this feeling of peace can be so wonderful that a very wise part of yourself seems to tell you, 'Surrender right now! Take this {POINT TO SELF} all the way inside you!"'

"My friend Veronica said that the guy was so exciting, it was as if his whole body, all his personal energy, was just telling her, 'You need me, you need me, you need me'.and then a voice inside her seemed to say, "Yes, it's true, this man {POINT TO SELF} has what you need.' "

"Haven't you ever felt so attracted to someone that it's as if every part of you—your eyes, your voice, the blush of your cheeks, the way you're standing—is just saying to this guy, 'We are destined for each other".haven't you felt this?"

XXIX. (Hypnotic, Persuasive, Seductive) Leadership

Leadership: How's that for a buzzword? Here, though, it has real relevance, in the sense that taking the lead by feeling and exhibiting the state you wish to induce is the best way to induce that state.

To induce an intense emotional state in another person, describe the state while you look and sound and act as if you're feeling it yourself.

Think of a time you told a story really well—was your voice flat and uninflected? Did your arms hang limp at your sides? Probably not. When you tell a story really well, you get into the act—you act out what you're talking about.

If you want to turn someone on, talk about being in love while looking and sounding and acting as if you are passionately in love—widen your eyes, raise and lower your voice, gesture dramatically, talk as if filled with intense devotion or uncontrollable emotion. Yes, it all sounds silly. Yes, it works.

To inspire an emotion, you must first exhibit that emotion.


1. To make someone else feel an emotion, you should look and sound as if you are feeling that emotion yourself.

2. The more intensely you exhibit the emotion, the more thoroughly you can induce it.

XXX. Soft Eyes, or How to Invite Her into Your Irresistibly Rich Inner World

You can use the enlargement, or dilation, of your pupils to affect her emotional responses to what you say and do.

The pupils, those black circles in the middle of your eyes, contract and dilate in response to your mood, your focal point, and your mental processes. Your pupils will grow when you are pleased or attracted; your pupils will shrink when you are displeased or repelled.

Instinctively—subconsciously—people will notice the relative size of your pupils, and what they suggest about what you are feeling. To some extent, their own emotions will be influenced by what they perceive in your eyes—when your own pupils appear large, as if you are attracted by those around you, others find you more attractive. A celebrated study had participants look on photographs of strangers; each stranger was represented with multiple identical photographs. One among each set of duplicate photos was doctored, such that, on a microscopically fine level, the stranger's pupils were enlarged.

The participants consistently chose the doctored photographs as the most attractive, despite the fact that the enlargement was too subtle to be detected by the participants consciously.

This effect, incidentally, is why women used to drop belladonna into their eyes—the belladonna would cause their pupils to dilate, giving them the "bedroom eyes" effect. To the viewer, they would look simultaneously attracted and attractive.

When you are focusing on internal experience—when you are imagining and visualizing, checking out your emotions, thinking about the past or future, remembering smells or tastes, wondering about sex with the new girl will be like, or otherwise going into trance—your pupils will tend to dilate. When your pupils dilate, you look dreamy, nonthreatening, "sensitive".

To a woman, you look like a guy who's "in touch" with his feelings.

When you talk about emotions with a dreamy look on your face, it indicates to a woman that you are sharing and exploring the richness of your inner world. You can say and do a great many sexually suggestive things without alarming her, because a woman will operate on the assumption that you aren't focused on her, but on the wonders of your emotion-rich inner world. Because, for her, that's the place that really counts, your apparent inward focus will encourage a sense of similarity and connection. Dilating your pupils builds rapport.

Normal Pupillary Djlalion

Continue reading here: Dilated Pupils SofL Eyes

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