Behaviors That Reduce Attraction

You should be aware up front of the behaviors that men exhibit which turn off a woman's attraction mechanism. As we progress, you will be given alternatives to these behaviors and ways to avoid demonstrating them.

© 2003 - Carlos Xuma. - DD Publications - All Rights Reserved -

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- Clingy/Needy behavior: The root cause of this is insecurity. Any actions that tell a woman that you are going to smother her or be an insecure wimp are sure to turn her off. Things like calling her several times a day, or calling several days in a row, or acting jealous of her friends. If you threaten her freedom, she'll run from you.

- Trying too hard: If you're over-eager or too zealous, she gets suspicious.

- Bragging/loud mouthing: What makes you think she will be attracted to you when you brag? If you let her find out what you've accomplished a bit at a time, she'll want to know more. Don't give away all your mystery.

- Angry or violent temper: You must have self-discipline over your emotions. A woman can't trust a man with a short fuse; she can only live in fear and intimidation from him.

- Insensitivity: Meaning your inability to tell when you're teasing and playful with her as opposed to mean and insulting.

- Boring: This really translates into being unable to show women your personality, most often because of shyness.

- Pushy: Getting your way by coercion. Some men whine and push their way into getting a woman to have sex with them, and then they wonder why it's not fulfilling or lasting.

- Passive and indecisive: You have to be able to demonstrate some leadership qualities. Decisive, dominant behavior shows you are an Alpha Man, and can provide when the time comes.

- Inability to listen: I'm sorry ... what were you saying? To keep a woman's interest, you must demonstrate the ability to pay attention and not stare at her nipples.

- Acting like a pig: There are men out there that think if they behave as coarse as possible, a woman will just jump at the chance to rehabilitate him. Guess again.

- Being obvious about sex: Yes, we all want sex. Even women. But if you come across with this agenda written on your forehead, you'll strike out before ever getting to bat. You must learn how to be subtle and let her wonder.

- Impatience: If you are too eager, you will come across as having no self-discipline. Relax.

- Defensiveness: Guys tend to get pissy and defensive in response to a woman's moods and negative behaviors. What she will respond to is your self-discipline and your ability to keep your reactions under control. (More of this in the section on "Arguments.")

- Negativity: A bad attitude is a turn-off for all women.

- Not Providing: This covers stinginess, being cheap, etc. You don't have to be giving up money to her on every date, but if you plan a meeting at a restaurant, you better be prepared to pay. This is why you plan meetings that are out of the traditional stereotype of "dating."

First, let me introduce one of our Dating Dynamics characters to you. His name is LoserBoy. LoserBoy is the part of your thoughts that is intent on keeping you a failure with women. He has a pretty convincing arsenal of negative things to say to keep you in line, and to keep you afraid of your own success. He's the one talking to you when you find yourself admiring a girl at the gym, but you don't know how to go meet her.

Watch out! LoserBoy is well connected in your head, and if you start talking to him, he'll convincingly argue you out of your dreams and ambitions, and before you know it, LoserBoy will be you. Most of the time, you don't even hear his words, you just feel his hypnotic paralysis set in. I'll help you avoid LoserBoy's influence as much as possible.

Myths

The Myth of "Destiny"

Others (men and women) will make you feel weird about your use of strategies and tactics because they mistakenly believe that random is better than planned. What they are saying is that they do not have the emotional or mental self-discipline to improve themselves or circumstances. You do have this self-discipline. And there is nothing to be ashamed of.

A lot of people you ask will tell you that you should "just be yourself." What does this mean? Well, first, it's a LoserBoy excuse for you to not do anything, to not change.

They will tell you that "when the right person comes along, you'll know. It will just click."

Wake up. This is the fairy tale illusion that leaves 50% of all marriages ending in divorce. This is the fantasy that inaction will reap you rewards. It never does. This is the same illusion that puts two people together out of insecurity rather than a genuine fiery passion to be together. I can tell you in a second why those fantastic marriages you see (occasionally) are still vibrant and last for fifty years: Neither person settled. They strove to be more than they were, and you can damn well bet they grew quite a bit along the way. There is also commitment, which is a natural by-product of finding someone you know is a challenge - and worth it.

Instead of coming together out of convenient complacency, you are choosing to find who you want. You must stay committed to yourself, and realize that you need to always be growing. That's not being "fake," that's being more real than the people who tell you that learning about dating is "game playing." I hate to tell you, but the game is already being played. You need to step back and read the rulebook before you become emotionally bankrupt.

The Myth of the "Nice Guy"

The nice guy listened to women's complaining about men's behavior and his mother's admonishments, and decided that he didn't want to cause women pain. Ever. He was going to be different. He was going to be caring and sweet and make friends with all the women, and then he would get all the relationships and sex that those bad "players" were messing up for the other guys. Then, he turned into a supplicating jellyfish, not realizing that he made the granddaddy of all mistakes: He listened to what women said instead of observing what they actually respond to. Chances are that his mother often told him, "Honey, someone will come along. A great guy like you deserves the best. You have so much to offer a woman."

Understanding a journey is not the same as taking it.

The Nice Guy wants women to feel comfortable with him, and this is his fatal preoccupation. He's so concerned that he'll be perceived as one of those "jerks" or "players," those lowly men, that he ends up appearing indecisive and weak. Or, even worse, he'll take on a woman's personality, thinking that this is what they want in a romantic partner. He starts to overly sympathize with women's struggles (the "glass ceiling," sexual harassment, etc.) and then he starts to believe that men really are evil and the source of all violence on the planet. He tones down his personality to avoid any kind of implication that he's a danger.

The Truth is you don't want a woman to feel too comfortable or at ease. You want her to feel safe, but you also need her to feel excited. It's this excitement that puts the passion and romantic drive into your interactions. And Nice Guys are about as exciting as bird-watching. Give her the right kind of danger and she'll respond. Give her a watered-down female wannabe and she'll run to the hills.

I can hear some of you out there starting to weep and beat your chest.

"But that's what they said they want! They want a man who's a friend to them like a woman, who they can talk to and share their innermost feelings!"

"But that's what they said they want! They want a man who's a friend to them like a woman, who they can talk to and share their innermost feelings!"

They do want to talk to you and share some feelings, but your mistake is believing you need to be a woman to make that work. Drop it. I know it sucks that they led you down this road, misleading you, but that's life. Sue Hollywood, but let's get past it.

Let's get one thing very clear:

Dating, is just like life - it's not fair.

Drop all your emotional baggage, your complaining, and your negativity at the door now. If there's one thing women (and men) hate it's a whiner. Accept the Truth and make it work for you.

You have to understand that you have nothing to be ashamed of. The Nice Guy is ashamed of his nasty sexual urges and his desire for female accompaniment. He thinks he's doing something bad or wrong by seeking women to date and go to bed with. He feels like he's committing something dirty and shameful, and underneath he probably feels like he deserves punishment. I'd be willing to bet it all stems back to pleasing his mommy, and I'm pretty sure it eventually leads to kinky S&M with a dominatrix and a whip, but I'm not here to play Dr. Freud with you. However, I am here to tell you -

It's absolutely normal to want to have sex with women.

You don't have to marry a woman if you sleep with her. You don't have to worry that you're becoming a pervert. Women want sex just as much as men; they just have more requirements before they do it with you, and that's just part of the game, gentlemen. If you think that sucks or it's not fair... go grab a tissue and review what I said a few paragraphs ago.

You should never use women for sex. You should also never feel bad about wanting to do some consensual groin rubbing. Get rid of your shame. It's totally unnecessary, damaging, and women think it's downright pitiful.

The Myth of the "Jerk"

Let's talk about the other end of the spectrum. Why do women respond to and stay with Jerks? Even when they protest how much they mistreat them? Because:

Jerks emulate the qualities of high self-confidence without understanding it.

Think about it. How does a Jerk behave?

- He puts himself and his pleasure ahead of everyone else in his life

- He can (and often does) dump women who cause him grief

- He doesn't care what others think of him - he doesn't need anyone's approval

- He doesn't suck up to women or put them on pedestals

- He doesn't let people disrespect him

- He gets angry and shows it

- He isn't afraid of hurting a woman emotionally

The reason they have this success is that they have all the qualities that women respond to. But what makes a Jerk too much is that they go to the extreme end of these behaviors, in essence appearing too abrasive, self-serving, and self-centered. There is a middle ground to be had, but it is important for you to understand why these guys are so successful with women. Often times what women describe as a "jerk" sounds so horrible when you hear them talk about it (and where most Nice Guys get the wrong idea, thinking that they need to seek the opposite kind of behavior.)

The Truth is, the complaining you hear is actually a mixture of:

- A woman's frustration at not being able to control the relationship the same way they have in the past, and

- His truly jerk-ish qualities.

Face it, guys, if it was a clear cut case of him being a genuine jerk, i.e., some asshole no one wants to be around, she wouldn't be with him. But he has qualities that are un-tame-able and attractive and addicting, so she stays.

*By the way, Post-facto Jerks (the men who are labeled Jerks after the woman has broken up with him) do not necessarily count. In this case, the women are only justifying their decision after the fact. What I term Jerks are the men that women love to date and complain about.

A true man is always a gentleman, and the negative qualities of Jerks should be avoided. These are:

- Unnecessary anger (demonstrating a lack of Self-discipline)

- Disrespect or insulting behavior

- Overtly arrogant behavior

- Intentionally inflicting emotional hurt

The Myth of the "Player"

Another category of Jerk is the "Player." Women use the term so liberally that you would be hard pressed to get any kind of common definition from them. I have personally asked dozens of women and never been able to get them to describe in any concrete terms, but luckily for me, I can read between the lines and this is what I see as the Truth:

Women use the term Player to denote men they think might be dating many women and who are looking for quick sexual relationships to fulfill their own needs. He's a man that women are afraid to feel attraction for because he doesn't give them Trust. When women label these men "players," it also serves to further instill guilt in other men, to make us think we should only seek and date one woman at a time. Women rely on the vague definition of the term to scare us into thinking this is a Bad Man, and we willingly go along with it.

Men often shy away from this term, too, thinking that it means a man of poor moral character who beds women indiscriminately. The Truth is that men admire the Player for his abilities with women, but instead of learning from what he is doing right to increase women's attraction, they write him off as a gigolo, another greasy Euro-trash type who just has the "knack" with women.

The moral of this lesson is to beware the term "player" in all its forms. It's misleading, and often downright deceptive, relying on connotation rather than definition.

The Myth of the "Natural"

Men define a Natural as a guy who just has all the right moves when it comes to women. He seems to know exactly what to say and when, and is always comfortable around them. He's respected by his fellow men, and he gets laid by women.

What does he have that you don't?

Nothing. The Natural is only demonstrating the attractive parts of his personality more effectively than you are. He's also going out there and getting experience. To get that experience, he's also getting more rejection. Hang around a "natural" long enough, and you'll see that while he exudes a lot of the qualities that we'll explore here, he goes to bat enough that his occasional strikeouts do not ruffle his feathers. Then, once he's got the experience, he feels an ongoing self-confidence that permeates the air like incense.

Think about it: Do you have a subject that you know well enough that you have no trouble talking about in groups with persuasive confidence? One that comes to mind for most guys is football. You memorize the statistics, watch the players in action, and learn enough about the rules of the game, and suddenly you're knowledgeable. You feel some confidence playing in the office pool and Monday-morning quarterbacking. Once you knew enough information and acquired enough experience, it felt natural to you. Heck, you'd even go out and play a game of touch football for fun.

Now, imagine taking that kind of cocky self-confidence and applying it to dating. You learn the essentials - the rules. You observe the players - your wingmen and other couples. You try out a few plays of your own. You fumble a few times at first, but eventually it becomes just as natural. The only difference is that the experience has lost the intimidation it once had because you now have understanding that bred self-confidence.

By the way, you actually have an advantage over the Natural. While he's out there without the intimidation or a lot of the fear, he doesn't have the schooling you're about to get in this program, which means he's working based on trial and error. You'll have more information to start, and as you get more experience, you'll gain the same sense of self-confidence.

The Myth of "Compatibility"

What is compatibility, anyway? Women and men usually think of compatibility as being the requirement of long-term common interests and behaviors that keep a couple together. This is really only partly true.

Compatibility is a logical perception of the reasons you stay with one person instead of another over a period of time.

It's like a person who's bought on impulse, and now wants to avoid the feelings of buyer's remorse. What do they do? They find a way to justify their purchase.

Let's be clear about this: No one stays with another person because their rational mind says, "Hey! We should work and keep this relationship because we're compatible! I'm staying!" Couples stay together for one of two reasons:

1) They are attracted to each other on a deep level that neither person can walk away from. (The primary cause of many unhealthy relationships, too.)

2) They settle and get comfortable with someone who gives them enough reason to stick around without annoying them enough to want to leave.

Look at all the couples out there, married or otherwise, that you know and see each day. How many times have you asked, "What the hell do they see in each other?" You see tall women and short men, smokers and non-smokers, vegetarians and carnivores, high-strung and laid-back. All kinds of people come together, and not for the overly simplistic reason that "opposites attract." They are together because their attraction is strong (almost always because of the qualities and traits I will coach here), and because they meet the other person's needs.

Keep in mind, opposites do attract, but only temporarily. For true opposites to stay together, they must have enough similarities to keep them bonded. There is also another fable, that you should be looking for someone exactly like you to be compatible. This will also fail, since a relationship needs a dynamic of differences to keep it from stagnating.

Idealistically, you want someone that meets a list of required criteria (such as the one I will instruct you to build) as well as attracts you on a gut level. Realistically, most people find themselves throwing out or ignoring what they think they're looking for when they find someone that gets them hot and bothered. What I'm helping you to have in the early stages is self-discipline, the will to stay detached enough to recognize when a woman has the traits (the "compatibilities") you want. The alternative is to jump headlong into dating or relationships without regard, then finding you've become hopelessly entrenched with someone who is incompatible in unhealthy or even poisonous ways to you.

The Truth is, compatibility over the long-term is a perception of your attraction for each other, along with a complimentary interlocking of each person's needs with the other's ability to meet them. We stay together over the long haul to the extent that we "fit" together, much like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Compatibility cares little about "differences," only differences that compliment and work or differences that clash and don't work.

I realize this flies in the face of all the Pundits out there that tell you that you should be seeking out your soul-mate, your one True Love. Women fall for this particular illusion the most, since it is highly romanticized that there is a single person out there to "complete them." There is no such person as just "The One." There are many women who would be extremely attractive to you and meet your personality requirements. It's a romantic illusion (delusion) to think that there is only one person in the world that would be a great match for you. Your objective is to figure out your requirements in advance, and then start screening for the best candidate women. You should understand that this first list I will ask you to create is merely a screening tool. The true compatibility issues won't surface until much later, if and when you decide to enter into a long-term relationship with someone. That's when you figure out if your soul really wants to mate.

My feeling is that we have the healthiest relationships when we find the people who have the faults and imperfections that we learn to appreciate as much as their good traits.

Continue reading here: Trait 1 Self Confidence

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