Never drop your guard
o I hate to be the bearer of this news, but many guys use effective strategies, build up their character through use of the Three S's, and as soon as they land a girlfriend, they turn into complete wimps. Until the end of your days with a woman, you must uphold the principles of the Three S's - Self-confidence, Self-discipline, and Sense of humor. These are not optional lures you use just to get a woman to sleep with you or to want to be your girlfriend or wife. They are not electives you can use when you feel you need to. These are time-tested enduring qualities of character for a man. You will have to be a challenge to the woman in your life for the rest of your days, or she will gradually lose interest in you. You see this all the time in marriages where the couple gets lazy and feels they can now "be themselves." What this really means is that they let a relationship become their cushion for their self-esteem. They cease being two independent, confident people and become an indistinguishable unit. There's a difference between growing together and merging. I know, there are all those relationship counselors that tell you that you aspire to a merging of your spiritual beings, and you'll become this all-powerful White Light of Love. Frankly, it's a nice goal, but it's also not realistic for 95% of us trying to just make a relationship work just on the fundamentals.
The only way to keep both you and the woman in your life happy is to develop your understanding of the dynamics between men and women, and keep your character strong. When all is said and done, that's what this information is all about.
■ Fight Against Familiarity o There's that saying about how familiarity breeds contempt. (This was probably said by a woman in divorce court.) It's actually very real, because what we become too familiar with we take for granted, and eventually mistreat. It's not that we're inherently evil, but there are some parts of human nature that we cannot always control. You will always have to keep her from becoming too familiar with you along the way. The more she knows about you (i.e., the more familiar you become) the less mystery there is. To counter this, you must always have interests and hobbies that extend beyond the relationship. You have to maintain a separate existence beyond the woman you are dating, and add more to your own growth so there is more for her to discover.
■ Stay Sexy o Don't let yourself gain fifty pounds after you get someone you think you can stay with. Ever notice how the women who manage to stay hot even after they get married are with men who also keep themselves fit and trim? Don't get lazy! Stay active. The best way to keep your woman looking good is to set an example. You don't need to pester her to stay fit if you do; she'll want to keep up with you.
■ Keep her contented - barely o You need to watch and figure out what your woman's maintenance window is during your relationship. If you go too long, she'll become antsy and irritable, probably complaining about the attention she's not getting. Some women can go a few weeks or a month, some only a few days. Watch for this cycle and her level of fulfillment. Remember: No one is fulfilled 100% of the time. It's human nature to look for ways to improve and expand your horizons. It's what drives our species to achieve and evolve. Recognize now that anyone you date or stay with for a long period of time will become dissatisfied. Even being fulfilled all the time becomes boring and unsettling. Discontent is necessary. Your job is to monitor her level of discontent, and match it with an appropriate level of positive reinforcement and effort. (Note: This level of effort is your single most effective way to determine her maintenance level, too. Lots of effort = High maintenance.)
■ Give her irregular reinforcement o One principle of human (and animal) behavior is that we respond most favorably to irregular reinforcement of our desires. Knowing that you'll get a kiss when you first see her is nowhere near as motivating as not knowing when you will. (This is probably one of the reasons that men are so easily addicted to the women who don't give them sex regularly. When you never know if it's coming, you're always on your best behavior.) Animals that are trained for circus acts are only given a treat once every so often, once the habit has been established. This pattern of uncertainty induces a more consistent behavior from them.
Now before you get up in arms about what I'm saying, let me state that I am not proposing you train a woman like a dog or any other animal. But the principle that underlies this psychological reality is still valid. We all become jaded after a while, no matter how much your Big Brain says this isn't true. Irregular reinforcement is a necessary inconsistency.
The fear of someone coming along and stealing your catch is another trap that is easy to fall into. It comes from insecurity, plain and simple. We don't want to risk someone trading us in for a better model. This is why it is all the more imperative that you use the strategies in this book to keep a woman's trust and attraction high enough for you. You see, no one can be interested in two people to the exact same degree. There is always one that we desire slightly more. A woman will always want the man that does not smother her and demonstrates a higher level of the Three S's. Once she starts to feel that tingle of desire, she will have blinders on. Have you ever tried to reason with a woman who was in the throes of infatuation? No amount of logic will keep her away from him, even if he's a leather-clad biker from hell.
Keep in mind that if another man did come along that raised her attraction for him, he doesn't have the information and tactics available to him that you have. If he jumps in your game, carry on as if it doesn't fluster you a bit, and you will succeed in demonstrating even more self-confidence, more self-discipline, and she will be even more attracted to you. While he's chasing her with roses and poems, she'll be wondering why you are so distant and relaxed. The Mystery will have grabbed her.
Sometimes, competition sweeps in and takes her off her feet, and she'll even go so far as to ignore you completely. Rest assured, he'll move in too fast too soon and make all the errors I've prepared you not to make. It won't last, if you treat it as insignificant, and she'll be back for you with a passion when it's over. The mistake most men make is to take their competition too seriously, and they wind up driving the woman even further into his arms with their jealous obsession. In the end, they turn into a pitiful wreck. (Yet another reason to not be the one "falling in love" first. You're at her mercy if you do.)
The more she is attracted to you, the less she will be attracted to other men. She only has a certain amount of "chase" in her system, and she can only be pursuing one man at a time, consciously or unconsciously. She can't dump you if she's chasing you. Keep acting on principle, not on her feedback.
Relax, breathe, and keep dating other women.
Remember, every relationship ends up one of two ways: breakup, or marriage. Think about it: Either you will be in a relationship that ends, or you will end during the relationship. The End is where you need to cut the ties to this woman (or women) and move on to happier hunting grounds. Sometimes this is easier said than done; sometimes it's easier done than we'd like to say. Whatever the situation, you need to have the strength and resolve to demonstrate your independence. I won't pretend to be able to tell you when to end it. This is a gray area for everyone's relationships. The one truth I've discovered about relationships, though, is that you will learn more about yourself in the catalyst of a relationship than you will in almost any other situation. It will bring out the best and worst in you, and very often we end them not because of our unhappiness or the other person but because we're too uncomfortable with ourselves and the things we must face about ourselves to make it work.
Ultimately, you must know what your breaking point is and not let your self-esteem keep you in a situation that could have painful - and possibly damaging - consequences. Emotional and physical abuse are black-and-white for me, and I will tolerate absolutely none. Everything a woman is or does should be run against your list of requirements, and you'll have to see if the results are worth the work.
In the movie "The Mexican" with Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts, the question is asked, "If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?" And the answer given is "Never." I don't think this is necessarily true. You have to know where to cut your losses.
One thing that you should keep in mind is that it's always better to be the one breaking up than the one being dumped. Most people find it very difficult to break up with someone, usually out of fear of loss. They imagine that this is the only person available, and the pain of going back into the singles world proves too much. This is your inner child fearing abandonment and it is totally irrational.
There is a breakup progression that usually takes place near the end. This progression usually goes something like this:
■ The man stops being a Dynamic Man (demonstrating the Three S's) because he figures he's made it, why work? Another conquered.
■ The woman loses interest and attraction for him, gradually. He thinks she's becoming more comfortable in their relationship, but she's really just bored.
■ They argue more often (usually about sex and how he's not getting any), and she starts to distance herself from him. He thinks that the way to get things back to the way they were is to bug her about it rather than be the man she was attracted to in the beginning.
■ Eventually, they can't take it any longer and they break up because she either "wants to see other people," or "doesn't think they're right for each other."
■ She's dating another guy within a week because she had an emotional cushion lined up several weeks ago. The man sits at home and cries in his beer.
I oversimplify here, but the point is still valid. If you want to keep her around, you'll have to expend some effort. (I'll cover the Maintenance Plan in a bit.) If you want to move on, you can either break up with her, or engage in all the wimpy behavior you know will turn her off and force her to fade away.
Don't break up just because you wonder about greener grass - it usually isn't, and it has to be mowed, too. Do it because you know you aren't going to reach your goal this way. It's time to refresh your memory as to why you're in this game in the first place.
Here are some indications that you should consider ending it:
■ Her attraction to you is low. Chances are, she's not as attracted to you because you stopped growing and challenging her.
■ You are not happy when you're with her, or you find you are happier without her.
■ She has changed in ways that do not mesh with your personality.
■ She goes from low-maintenance to high-maintenance.
■ Respect is lost - yours for her, or hers for you.
■ She attempts to take control of your life.
■ She develops emotional problems.
How do you do it? I will only tell you that a good breakup is clean, quick, and stays broken up. No calls to "see if it will work out." You don't leave a note or flee the country. Face up to what you must do, and then do it.
Here's a pretty thorough checklist:
■ When you decide you're going to break up, do it. Don't leave yourself room to back out on your decision, because you will be tempted to "try again" or any number of enticing situations. If you try again, and fail, and try to break up again, your chances of making things work for real are diminished even more.
■ You meet with her in a neutral location, you speak your feelings as clearly as you can, without blame, and then state clearly that "you don't want to continue seeing each other." She might fight it, especially if she hasn't had a chance to line up your replacement, and she might cause a scene. But you will stick to your guns and be civil. Don't stay there with her more than an hour. If you wait too long, you will only make things more difficult.
■ If you are living together, one of you must move out. If it isn't financially practical for one of you, it can be very difficult, especially if she is the one who initiated it. Leave as soon as it is practical.
■ I suggest before you do the breaking up you should reclaim your possessions as covertly as possible. Change any locks or passwords you may share.
■ Plan to stay away from her for as long as is necessary. There may be bad blood for some time, and you need to let things cool off for a while. Do not try to keep a friendship going until she seems ready to accept this - and most women you have dated will not make good friends once you have broken up.
■ Try not to do the rehab sex routine with her. (God gave you a hand, so use it.) It's easy to let a lust situation revert into a relationship again. The emotional entanglements are too deep, so don't try going back to the well.
The part of the process that many people overlook is the recharge and rejuvenate portion. It's an absolute necessity to keep your attitude healthy and not slip into the biggest trap of the recently dumped - rebounding. If the last woman you were with was just a casual romance, short-lived, then you can take a reasonably short time, and if it was a long-term relationship it must be a while before you jump back in the game. But I'd say the best gauge of how long is to listen to your heart. If you are feeling lonely and you still miss her, you aren't quite ready yet. If you feel dread at having to start dating again, you're still not there.
What you're looking for is to feel a certain electric charge - a slight thrill - at going back into the arena and doing battle again. It's as if a part of you knows there will be pain and a little rejection, but you feel hungry to go and do it anyway. It's like the feeling when you've gone on vacation for a while and you're itching to get back to work.
Take the time to recuperate and take care of yourself. Go see a bunch of mindless action movies. Go snowboarding. Go hit the gym hard for a couple weeks. Do what you need to recharge your batteries. Sports teams take time off to revitalize and recharge, and so should you.
Keep in mind: A woman that meets your needs, a quality marriageable prospect, where the relationship is mutually supportive and invigorating - in short, a woman that is The One, is going to be very rare. I won't kid you, if you've done your homework and identified the kind of woman who will keep you happy for the rest of your life and is worth the work and effort to stay with, she will take a good deal of time to discover. A lot of women are flakes, emotionally shutdown, or just plain nutty. Another portion is just a matter of timing, and those matches will often be frustrating because those women will be mostly suitable but simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are a lot of rooms in Heartbreak Hotel with guys (and gals) crying the blues over someone that couldn't give them what they needed because of timing. Also, some people are just harder to please. If your list of criteria for a long-term companion is rigid and long, you'll have a longer time finding her.
The good news? Well, along the way, you're going to learn a lot, as well enjoy a lot of casual accompaniment from ladies along the way. If you're sincere to your own needs (i.e., don't sacrifice yourself and your goals in life for a woman), you'll find it easier to weather the long road of dating and relationships. Remember: there are millions and millions of great women out there, and you don't have time to meet them all.
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Continue reading here: How And When To Use Your Touch
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