Romantic Intrigue Questions

The goal of your conversation with a woman is to increase her feelings of attraction to you, not kill them, while giving you an opportunity to learn about her. There is no better way of accomplishing both than by using Intrigue Questions. These are questions that get her in touch with her positive feelings, and help associate them with you.

o First, you give an excuse for asking:

"The other day, I was watching a show on amusement parks, and I found it really interesting how they engineer the rides."

o The next part suggests some feelings for her:

"They talked about how they make rides that are thrilling and dangerous, but also addicting. They give you that rush, like you're caught up in a storm."

o And the last part is the question:

"What's your favorite ride? What does it do for you? How does it make you feel?"

These questions are very unique and engaging. They are also very potent, and should not be over-used. But they can arouse some excitement from her if they are placed well and she's open enough to explore them with you. Add them in like a bit of spice in a pasta sauce.

Here are some subjects you should avoid discussing:

- No self-deprecation - do not tear yourself down (even with humor) hoping that she will feel sorry for you and you'll get sympathy sex.

- Anything violent - fights, wrestling, rape, child abuse, death, hatred, cruelty

- Anything overly controversial - abortion, politics, race, or religion

- Why she hates her job

- Why she broke up with her last boyfriend

- Health problems

- Your income or affluence. If she wants to size up your bank balance, you don't want her. Even if she looks like Anna Nicole Smith. She's got her copy of "Gold-digger's Monthly," let her look it up.

- Typical "date" questions that show no imagination. You must be different. Again, if you trigger the usual "I'm looking for a relationship that leads to sex" script, you'll send her running for the exit.

- Any sexual topics, unless she brings them up. If you go here too soon, you'll seem like the last three hundred guys she met who thought they'd hurry things right along and get to the point. Oddly enough, these guys think that by bringing up the subject of sex, they'll get an early indication of whether she's digging them or not, or if she'll be game for a one night stand. (See the Sexual Reversal Strategy below.)

- Don't talk about the past. If she starts asking questions about your past women, you redirect the topic to something more positive and promising. No talk of how that "last bitch dumped me!"

- Don't talk about your family except in glowing, general terms. You two have plenty of time to compare dysfunctional family issues later down the road.

Here's a big one that I've mentioned before, and it demands its own section: Don't brag! The biggest complaint I've heard from women is that men consistently take a topic that a she has brought up and use it as a launching point to brag about their accomplishments. Women, by nature, are very passive in conversation with men. Men tend to go into a conversation aggressively, as if they're talking with one of the guys. In male communication, they need to stake their claim, prove their dominance, and so on. And they perpetuate this pattern with women, not realizing that true self-confidence is demonstrated when they have the self-

discipline to SHUT UP. You impress a woman with your restraint and how you make her feel, not by your accomplishments.

If you want a good alternative to bragging to impress her, try this: Casually mention something interesting from your life that you've done or seen or experienced, and then change the subject. Like this:

"Brazil sounds great, but I'm not sure that I'd recommend buying one of those tour packages instead of planning your own visit. I would have enjoyed Venice much more if I'd had more time there. So, do you plan to travel to South America soon?"

Do you see how that worked? He manages to spike her interest, mention that he's been to Venice, and still not seem like he's bragging or trying to impress her because he turned the conversation back to her. She will go on with what she was saying, but now she's wondering about him.

He's been to Italy? Wow, that sounds romantic! I wonder if he went with someone? I wonder what it was like...

Male Panic

There is a pitfall in dating that I need to point out to you, because it will happen to you as you start to develop this mindset. I call it the Male Panic because it happens when guys react to a woman's reaction. Let's say you're out with Lana at the local Mexican bar, trying some fine Tequilas. Here's the conversation:

Lana: "Mmm, I really like this kind. I definitely think top-shelf is better." (She reaches past him to put her shot glass down and touches Martin on the arm.)

Martin: (Smiling) "Hey, better watch it there. Just because I'm doing Tequila with you doesn't mean I don't see a pass being made." (Winks to be sure she knows it's a joke.)

Lana: (losing her smile and squinting) "Huh? What do you mean by that?"

Martin: (faltering, scared he said something wrong) "Well, I, uh... I just meant you made that comment about the tequila. I was .. uhm, joking. I'm sorry about that. Do you want me to buy you another glass of that kind you liked?"

Lana: (shrugs.) "Yeah, that'd be okay ..."

Lana: "Mmm, I really like this kind. I definitely think top-shelf is better." (She reaches past him to put her shot glass down and touches Martin on the arm.)

Martin: (Smiling) "Hey, better watch it there. Just because I'm doing Tequila with you doesn't mean I don't see a pass being made." (Winks to be sure she knows it's a joke.)

Lana: (losing her smile and squinting) "Huh? What do you mean by that?"

Martin: (faltering, scared he said something wrong) "Well, I, uh... I just meant you made that comment about the tequila. I was .. uhm, joking. I'm sorry about that. Do you want me to buy you another glass of that kind you liked?"

Lana: (shrugs.) "Yeah, that'd be okay ..."

Where does this panic come from? The usual suspects: Lack of self-confidence and self-discipline. Martin had the sense of humor down, making a great reversal joke of her touching him. Lana, however, either lacks a sense of humor or genuinely mistook what he was trying to say, not realizing it was a joke. Maybe Lana was joking back with him, too, playing it deadpan. And she could have been testing him, trying to see if he was a secure man or a wimp. Whatever the reason, the outcome was the same: Martin now looks like an insecure dweeb because he couldn't keep his cool. Now, no matter what Lana's original intent was behind asking him what he meant, her attraction is lowered by his wimpy response.

What should Martin's response have been? He should have raised an eyebrow and paused for a second to collect himself. This would have given Lana an opportunity to clarify her meaning and save him having to say anything. If she gave him no indicators, he would have smiled and said, "That was a joke." In no way should he have indicated that her response was really important to him, and by doing so his "game" was up.

What happened? Well, Martin panicked, pure and simple. He thought that Lana's reaction meant that she was mad at him (which she may or may not have been) and he proceeded to behave as if he needed her approval. This could stem back to many things, but in most guys it's an indication that they revere and worship women as almost superhuman beings, empowered with the ability to decide if a man is worthy or not. (I have even theorized that it goes back to a fear of making mommy mad at him.) But the real question goes back to the beliefs of guys like Martin. If you think that a woman's disapproval or her being mad at you somehow reflects on your self-worth, you will find it agonizing to keep your posture with them. Women do not want to be made to feel responsible for your (or anyone's) sense of happiness or well-being. If you react to their reactions, you demonstrate a need for approval - their approval - and it is very unattractive. You must begin to question and shed this belief as soon as possible using the understanding you gain from this program.

First Through Third Date

At this point on the continuum you're ready to give the job applicant a real interview. It's time to find out a little more detail about her, as well as show off some suave confidence. You've met her and decided that she's not obviously psycho, and you're ready to take the next step and show her a romantic, good time.

The goals of this stage are several. You want to impress her with your self-discipline. You want to maximize her attraction to you while you remain as emotionally neutral as possible. You want to be sure to pass any tests she may present to you along the way. And, as I've said before, you want to be dating other women during this process to lend you perspective and detachment.

What do you do next? You plan out simple dates (remember my definition of "dates") that will allow you to further your discovery process and engage her attraction mechanism. By simple, I mean don't overdo it. No flowers, no gifts, as I said before. Create interesting and exciting meetings that are not the norm and you'll be well on your way. Go to the local strip of curio stores in your town or city, and shop around a little. CD and video stores are good because you can get an idea of what she's like from her tastes and it provides great conversation.

If you're casually dating, and you're just interested in some routine hanky-panky, you should be looking to demonstrate a lot of confidence (that's cockiness, not arrogance) as well as fun behavior. The more thrilling and fun you can make it, the better, since this heightens the sexual response. If you can keep her laughing and talking about herself, you'll be amazed at how far that will get you. Keep the conversation focused at least seventy percent on her, and always have a plan for each step along the way. You need to know how to bridge from point to point on the continuum.

Don't underestimate your need to shut up and listen at this point. (And listening is not just waiting for your turn to talk, either.) One reason is to give her the attention she needs and demonstrate your ability to understand her, but another reason is to watch out for any red flags. Listen to the things she says and make sure you're not missing clues. If there's one mistake that I've made and heard lamented a thousand times by so many other guys, it's that they didn't really pay attention to the signs they saw in the beginning before they got deeply involved. A woman tells you everything you need to know about her without having to ask specific questions, if you'll only stop daydreaming about deep kissing her and what she looks like naked. Don't listen to her words as much as what is underneath them. She won't tell you anything directly, but the examples she gives are enough to make some necessary judgments later on.

o Did she talk non-stop about her sister's new baby? About how much time she spends over there and dotes on new niece? What do you think that might be telling you?

o Does she complain about her job, her cat's peeing problem, and the rain? How she really hates all the shows on television, doesn't like Asian, Italian, French, Indian, German, or Brazilian food? What message might be in there?

Listen! Don't overreact, but pay attention now and watch for repeat offenders - those topics that come up with (alarming) regularity. Talking and conversations are the currency of dating and relationships. Learning the finer points like these will not guarantee you success, but ignoring them will ensure failure. And don't forget: No matter what she talks about, she's always telling you something about her. If you listen closely now, you'll be much better prepared later.

The Kiss

One rule I stand firmly by is this: You must attempt to kiss her at the end of your first legitimate 'date.' The first meeting you have with her may not be appropriate to attempt this, such as a brief introduction or coffee-date. But if you are on a one-on-one with her for several hours where both of you are under the understanding that it is not a platonic "hang out" session, then you must go for the kiss at the end of the date.

There are two reasons:

1) You must determine as soon as possible if she is really interested in you, or if she's just wasting your time, energy, and money. There are a lot of women out there who are professional daters. The Truth is that any woman that has a healthy level of attraction for you will want to kiss you. Be willing to face this judgment moment in your date, where you are willing to let her show her true feelings. Yes, you can delude yourself that she just wasn't ready, or shy, but you need to be made of better stuff. There are literally millions and millions of datable women out there in the U.S., and billions out there in the rest of the world, and you won't live long enough to meet them all. Why are you wasting your time with someone who isn't interested?

2) You must make sure that she knows up-front that you are not here to be her buddy. Once again, you must risk not having a relationship with her in order to have a chance for a romantic relationship. It's your choice. Do you want a bunch of sweet little female friends who call you every time they need their oil changed or a shoulder to cry on? Or, do you want a woman (or women) who you can explore a romantic and/or physical relationship with? She must know that you are interested in her, and that you are self-confident enough to do something about it. You are a man, you are sexual, and you will not be ashamed of that, no matter how much all the feminists try to make you feel shameful and dirty.

If you don't know by the end of the date if she will kiss you, you weren't paying attention or testing her interest along the way. Whether or not you will get a kiss by the end of the date should not be a big surprise. Here are two tests that will allow you to determine how well you are on the path to engaging her attraction:

■ The Hair Test: Comment on her hair, how shiny and wonderful it looks (yes, this is an allowable compliment.) Then slowly reach over and touch it with your fingers. Watch her reaction. Does she pull back? Does she lean in? If she expresses a bit of reluctance, you need to step back and start working on the charm again.

■ The Lean-In: Find a good reason to stand or lean closer to her, and then reach into her personal space. How does she react? If she seems to watch you but doesn't pull away, she is anticipating more contact, which means a kiss is probably on her mind. If she pulls back or seems stand-offish, you'll have to pull back and re-evaluate.

In general, you'll be able to gauge the likelihood of a successful kiss by the middle of the date, just by observing and watching how responsive she is to you. I've included a general list of body language indicators for you in the appendices that you should memorize and watch for along the way.

So at some point in the meeting, kiss her. Don't go for tongue, or even wrap your arms around her. Just put a hand on her arm or shoulder, give her a sweet smacker on the lips, and -this is critical -- make it short. You must be the one to end the kiss first so that she won't feel smothered and will want more later. You want her thinking about that kiss and wanting more for as long as possible. Your investments will earn interest on their own, even when you're not there to work on them.

Broken Dates - No-shows

It will happen. Women will simply fail to show up for dates. This will happen fairly frequently, and it's just part of the game. If a woman breaks a date with you, and her reason is not incredibly convincing, you must immediately assume that she is not that interested in you. If she calls and she leaves you a message just before, you call her back and say:

_ "Suzie, I'm a little disappointed, I didn't think you'd flake out an hour or two before we meet. But you know, I thought I'd give you an opportunity to make it up to me."

Then shut up. The first person to talk loses. If she doesn't apologize profusely and offer an alternate, you tell her:

"Well, I'm sorry things didn't work out. Have a nice night." Click.

If she no-shows and does not call you to apologize, the best thing to do is to flush her number and move on. If you feel you need some explanation or it was too odd, call her and ask:

"Suzie, I'm very disappointed. I didn't think you were the kind of woman to disrespect me or my time so casually. Why didn't you show up?"

Again, if there isn't an incredibly convincing reason and an offer for a specific alternate, you tell her you're sorry it didn't work out. Click. If you think the reason might be reasonable, you say:

"Well, I normally wouldn't give someone a second chance when this happens, but I'll tell you what, I'll let you make it up to me. Where would you like to take me?"

She will probably respond to the challenge and offer an alternative. If it sounds good, you can choose to accept or counter-offer her. If, after you offer your second chance, she gets indignant ("Are you kidding? Me take you? Listen here, buster..."), you cut her off and say: "Sorry, Suzie, it seems we're wasting each other's time. Good luck." Click. Or if she says she'll call you back with an alternative, or says anything that is less than an eager reschedule, you need to cut her loose. She isn't interested in you. Move on now, or waste more time, energy, and money.

Here's an alternate strategy that I consider justifiable. If she no-shows you, she's disrespecting you and perhaps testing you as well. Women frequently forget or fail to show up, and you shouldn't take it personally, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't make it work to your advantage.

If she no-shows, wait until the next day and then call her. (Do not call the same day; you'll appear wimpy.) Here's what you say:

"Suzie, I'm so sorry. I meant to make it to our rendezvous on Tuesday. Things got crazy and I lost track of time. Let's try to reschedule, okay?"

This can be left on an answering machine (preferably) or you can tell her directly. She'll either admit that she didn't show up, or she won't. Either way, you get an indication of her integrity. It's your call then as to whether you follow up and meet her.

Regardless of the situation, if a woman no-shows you twice in a row, you call her and tell her:

^^ "Suzie, I'm sorry you couldn't make the meeting. I have a personal feeling about flaking and not showing up and I'm afraid I can't meet with you for a while. Good luck."

You'll probably never hear from her again, and that would be for the best. If she treats you like this now, imagine how she'll treat you later? Once in a while you'll get a genuinely repentant woman who really did like you but was flaky, and she'll try to make it up. The point for you is to retain your dignity and not let women affect your sense of self-confidence.

Sexual Reversal Strategy

As I mentioned earlier, most men engage in sexual conversations with women far too soon, and the immediate result is a turned-off woman. No woman enjoys a sexual innuendo or hint from a man that he's interested in her for sex. Why? Because it's a given. Women know we're interested in them for sex. But their first defense is to make sure the man is suitable -Trustworthy.

That being said, women love to talk about sex, but only when they are initiating the topic. When they do start talking about sex, it doesn't mean that they're ready to have it with you, but you can be sure that she's at least somewhat comfortable with you if she's broaching the topic.

The Sexual Reversal Strategy is essential. It's a form of Challenge to a woman because it shows you're not insecure. It also demonstrates the Three S's - self-confidence, self-discipline, and sense of humor. What usually happens is that after a certain amount of time, after you've been demonstrating the Three S's and she's starting to feel attraction for you, and when the woman is curious about your attraction for her, she will either pretend to "slip" and say something suggestive or she will just start dropping small hints. Here's how you handle it:

Samantha: "So, what are you saying, that I'm trying to take advantage of you?" (dirty smile)

Nick: "Hey, I've just heard what Dr. Ruth said about mixing alcohol and sex. But don't go too fast there, t i ger. I'm not that easy. You can't just carry me off to bed like some Romeo. I need to be romanced."

Samantha: (smiling) "Romeo?"

Nick: (smirk) "I know your type. One minute you're buying drinks for me, the next you're trying to convince me to go back to your house with you. I'm not easy." (Winks, then gets serious.) "Where did you get that ring, by the way?"

Samantha: (Plays with her hair and leans in closer.) "This? Umm, I got it in Madrid ..."

Samantha: "So, what are you saying, that I'm trying to take advantage of you?" (dirty smile)

Nick: "Hey, I've just heard what Dr. Ruth said about mixing alcohol and sex. But don't go too fast there, t i ger. I'm not that easy. You can't just carry me off to bed like some Romeo. I need to be romanced."

Samantha: (smiling) "Romeo?"

Nick: (smirk) "I know your type. One minute you're buying drinks for me, the next you're trying to convince me to go back to your house with you. I'm not easy." (Winks, then gets serious.) "Where did you get that ring, by the way?"

Samantha: (Plays with her hair and leans in closer.) "This? Umm, I got it in Madrid ..."

Why does this work? The most important reason is that it simply shows that you're different. You're not like other guys. You don't move in too fast too soon, and you are giving her a reason to wonder about her sexual attractiveness. You're not telling saying she's ugly or nasty, but you're inspiring her to wonder'sEErL^

"Whoah! What's going on? Is he kidding with me? Does he find me interesting? Why isn't he acting like other guys and start talking to try and get me to go to bed with him? Doesn't he think I'm attractive?"

Underneath her thoughts, she will feel a pull - an attraction to you - that she can't explain, and won't try to. And you're doing this without being abrasive or arrogant because you're using humor to keep things from being too harsh or offensive. You reverse the male stereotype and use the female thought pattern ("/ need to be romanced ...", 11 Romeo ...") for fun, and your unwillingness to chase after her sexually draws her in even further. You're mysterious about your intentions. Again, you're giving her the space to walk forward and desire you. That's where attraction occurs.

There is a potential trap here, and it could throw you off if you don't see it coming. Sometimes a woman who is not flexible or easygoing will react to your deflection by shutting you down entirely when you refuse to talk about sexual topics. In the previous conversation, right after Nick made the comment about her being a Romeo, then changes the subject, Samantha would have gotten indignant and a bit distant. Nick, being self-confident would not react to this with the usual male-panic ("Oh no! I've made her mad! I better start kissing up to her.") Instead, he would have noted her reaction, and known that if she's like this now, she's probably a bit shaky in her own self-esteem. She took his joking as an affront to her sexuality, now she's going to pull an attitude. It's not that frequent, but it can happen, so don't let it throw you. Just keep being your confident self, no matter what she throws at you.

The Big Test - The Doubt Dip

I'll talk more about women's testing of men, but there is one test you need to know before we go any further. At some early point, and possibly again later on, the woman you're pursuing will act totally bored and uninterested in you. Either she'll be in doubt of her feelings for you, or her ambivalence will present itself by her ignoring you. Often times it will just be her bad mood, time of the month, whatever, but it will serve as a proving ground for you. You must be prepared for this to happen with almost every woman. It does not reflect on her feelings for you as much as it does about her wondering if you're going to be like every other guy out there. It's her "Doubt Dip."

For example: You meet up with Betty for drinks, and you hit it off great. She's responsive to you, and seems like a stable, flexible woman. You meet again for a real date, and she's even more interesting and fun. Then, the next time you two get together, she is very cool and distant. She suddenly isn't nearly as talkative, and you feel a little uncomfortable.

Your reaction is what is most important here. You never react with anger, silence, or any of the responses that you will be tempted most severely to use. Don't let your discomfort make you act in ways that make her think you're looking for approval.

If you do react negatively, such as getting distant or angry, you're showing that:

1) Your mood is controlled by her mood. This is a clingy/needy feeling for anyone, and does not make her more attracted to you. In fact, it flushes her attraction down the toilet.

2) It shows that she can control your ability to have a good time. Again, you're acting dependent and insecure. Flushhhh...

3) You are like all the other guys who start out nice, but get angry and moody when things don't go their way. She was right about you. (Yes, I know it isn't anywhere near reality, but she doesn't necessarily recognize her own behavior creating the situation. It's her test, you see.) Another Flushhhh...

You must have the self-discipline to continue to act cool and self-confident. Continue to joke with her (sense of humor), and if necessary joke with others around you to show that her attitude is not having one iota of affect on your good time. The more distant Betty becomes, the more you keep up the relaxed, happy guy routine. It will become very painful if you're not used to it, trust me. I know. I've sat in silences that would make Tibetan monks freak out. But you have to be strong and resist the temptation to let her pull you in. In most cases, she'll come around and understand that you are not going to let her rattle her cage. Even if the date ends on her slightly aloof behavior, she will almost always be back when she realizes that you are consistent and confident, and you have enough self-discipline to not be fazed by her moods.

However, if she behaves pissy and very stand-offish, to the point of almost being disrespectful to you, you must call her on it. Never let her think she can get away with this kind of passive-aggressive behavior. Tell her what you're observing, as nicely as possible, ask her if there's something bothering her, and then see if she returns to normal. If she does not, you must make a decision of whether or not to end this date. If you do not take a stand and call her on her behavior, you're demonstrating insecurity and lack of self-confidence by default, and you will be penalized.

You can say something like: "You know, Betty, it doesn't feel like you're very comfortable. Is there something bothering you?" She'll say something to the effect of, "No, no, I'm just in a funk." You then say, "Well, I'd rather us not both ruin a possibly good evening. I'll take you home and we can try this again another night when you're feeling a little better." She may protest, and it's up to you whether you think the date will actually improve. If you think it will, give her the benefit of the doubt. But if not, you must insist on ending the date. Chances are, though, that once she's seen that you recognize her behavior and are willing to call her on it, she will chance her attitude.

We'll cover this topic and your responses in more detail in the section on "Testing."

The Dance of Attraction

There is a pattern here that you need to recognize so you'll understand why setbacks occur and why they should not trouble you in the slightest. Inspiring a woman's attraction is a dance. You, as the man, are required to initiate. It's a fact, and another of those Truth principles I advised you about before.

Remember those old dance diagrams that show you the outlines of shoes on the floor and numbers to tell you where to go? Here's your dance pattern: The dance of interaction you want to achieve with a woman is always two steps forward, one step back. (You choose the rhythm, but I suggest slow.) For every two advances and initiations you take with her, you must be willing to stop and step back, giving her space to breathe.

Continue reading here: Stepping Back

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