Ah. No three-letter word holds more power.
I suppose you were eager to get to this section, hmm? Waiting for some hot tips? I've got some great information for you, but I'm not going into embarrassing graphic detail here. Frankly, there are many other books out there to help you in this area. (And they have better pictures, too.) I just want to cover some of the Dating Dynamics concepts with you, as well as give you some information about sex you may not have known about.
First of all, realize that the same Three S's that give you enduring and respecting relationships with women also work in the bedroom. Early on, use your humor sparingly regarding sex, and your self-discipline will be the most important. Second, realize that women want and love sex as much as men do. The difference is that women need to justify sleeping with a man to their sense of self, which means either taking their time (building up trust), or having a good excuse (overwhelming attraction). If you want to get laid, you must make a woman comfortable enough (gain her trust) and attracted enough for you to let her guard down.
Consider this very carefully, because it is the essential difference between men and women with respect to sex. Each gender has a different priority when it comes to sex. If you expect her to jump you immediately, you're heading for disappointment. The Truth is that most women are not willing to rush into sex with a man. One-night stands are relatively infrequent. If quick sex is your goal, you're going to have to put up with more than your share of rejection and frustration.
Sexual competency can be broken down into two areas: Communication and Skills. Communication
Communication is essential when sleeping with a woman. She needs to feel as though she is being cared for, and it's your obligation to fulfill that need. Yes, this means you have to talk to her.
Now, most men don't feel comfortable talking to women about sex. They usually feel that doing is enough, and they have the doing part taken care of. The Truth is that a woman is going to be more turned on by your ability to communicate about her pleasure than by most of the things you will actually do to her physically. The key to a woman's sex drive lies in her brain.
First of all, recognize the correct place for sex in conversation. When you are first meeting a woman, unless she is a Third-Degree Horn-dog, you are not going to engage in sex talk. The only time it's safe to venture into that area is after she has taken a conversation in that direction. You can start to lay the groundwork for this along the way, however, by using sensory words in your speech.
Here are a few sensory words:
Just don't use too many of these at one time, or you'll risk coming off sounding like a sappy romance novel. Tie the use of these charged words together with the Romance Intrigue questions to gain added effect.
At some point, you should also learn what her modality of learning is: auditory, kinesthetic, or visual. Most people have a preferred sense when it comes to their learning style, using their hearing, their sight, or their touch in some way to learn and understand new material. We use them all at one point or another, but just about everyone has one they use most of the time. You can figure out which modality it is by listening to how they describe things. Here are a few examples:
- "That just doesn't feel right to me." "Oh, that sounds so cold and depressing." "I can't come to grips with that."
This person is typically a kinesthetic learner. Recognize her by the tactile words she uses. She learns by doing or touching. Probably likes handholding and hugging to establish security.
- "That just doesn't click " "That just doesn't sound right." "I hear what you're saying." These keywords tip you off that she is mostly auditory. The words that highlight hearing are used most frequently. She learns by hearing instructions. Probably very suggestive.
- "I see what you're saying. " "That's not the way I see it." "Looks good to me." And this person is showing a disposition to visual modes of learning. Even when referring to words or sounds, she will use the word "see" as in the first example. She learns by seeing, or reading instructions with diagrams. She is probably very fashion conscious.
Understanding a person's modality not only helps you communicate better with them about sex (finding out if talking dirty, watching porn, or close dancing turns them on), but also how they will respond in conversation. Using words that appeal to their modality will help you establish rapport.
The essential part of communications in sex is to make it relaxed and genuine. You're asking questions to find out what she wants/doesn't want, and that takes a measured amount of restraint on your part. You absolutely should avoid using any gutter language. When you talk about sex, women like it best when body parts are referred to in non-vulgar terms. In fact, if you can think in terms of poetry, I highly recommend you use that angle. Let's compare, which do you think sounds better whispered in her ear?
"I feel like banging you harder than a stick of dynamite, you wench ..."
"It's so hot and intense next to you like this, like an electric charge ..."
The difference here is what one calls dirty versus erotic, and erotic is what she wants to hear when it comes to talking about having sex with her.
So, how do you talk about sex with her? That's probably foremost on your mind, since guys aren't as far along on the communication path as most women are. When communicating your needs, or your questions, or anything else to a woman, always remember:
- Never accuse or make her feel like she's doing anything wrong, even if she is. It's a long way to go from feeling humiliated to performing for you again. Try to state it in "I feel" terms, so that it's immediately implied that this is your perception.
- Never demand. Just politely and nicely state what it is you desire. If she doesn't give it to you, chances are she can't give it, so move on. You can't pester her to be the way you want her to be.
- Never beg or ask for more sex from a woman than she is giving you willingly. If you are in a position where you she does not initiate, but eventually warms up, that's fine. But if you initiate and are turned down or denied, there is a larger problem here. Chances are that you are not giving her enough reinforcement and meeting her preliminary needs for her to feel comfortable with sex.
- Stay out of her past. Don't ask questions you don't want to know. I know this will be too tempting for most of you, but how many guys out there, knowing that they are jealous of a woman's past sexual experience, will ask her all sorts of questions about what she's done before, then get pissy and distant when she tells him. It's a perverse self-torture when we do this, and it's seated in a lack of self-confidence. Focus on the present, because that's all you can control. The past is done.
- No means no. This kind of No is often accompanied by at least a physical demonstration (she pulls your hand away, pushes you away, etc.) or an obvious change in her mood to something serious. The confusion comes when a woman is really saying "No, not yet." This means that she's not hot enough for you, and you need to step back into foreplay to try again. If you're ever in doubt about a woman's willingness, back off. You don't want to run a risk of going to jail and spending some quality romance time with a cross-dressing freak named Luther who wants to make you his favorite cellmate. Never force your affections on a woman.
If you sense that something is not going well (and we usually can, but often we choose to overlook our instincts), you owe it to her to check in and find out what is going on. You can just ask nicely: "Are you okay?" Be very careful to not overdo this, though. Most Nice guys will check in way too much, and nothing puts a cramp in sexual flow than being checked in on every couple minutes. You just want to establish that she's not in any physical discomfort, or find out if she's starting to weird out on you.
Sex is like pizza: When it's good, it's good.
Stay in communication with her and you'll be able to avoid most problems before they arise. The more experience you gain with women, the more you'll also be able to interpret and read between the lines, as well as read her body language during sex. Every woman is different in this respect, and that's what makes it interesting every time you jump in the game.
Skills in sex come with knowledge and experience. They also come from mistakes, like any other part of dating or interacting with women, so don't come down too hard on yourself when you make an error. Your skills are the techniques you use in giving her pleasure. Skills in sex also include the techniques you use to avoid problems, as well, and I'll point out a few of those.
Here are some general skills you should have in bed for her to appreciate your sexual ability:
- Knowledge and appreciation of her body: Every woman is different, and every woman has different erogenous zones. Much of the fundamentals, however, are very similar.
- A woman wants foreplay. Draw it out and take your time. Touching her lightly all over her body (see Kinesthetics) will only make her want you more.
- A woman wants cunnilingus. See Below.
- A woman wants clitoral stimulation - eventually. Not the instant you get into bed. Start with foreplay, to the point where she is almost pulling your hand to her crotch. Your hand works like a flock of circling eagles, moving in on the target, zooming around, but not quite going in for the kill. Eventually, you get your finger(s) lubricated, and then make slow circles on her clit. She needs manual stimulation not just slamming your genitalia together in order to get off.
- A woman wants eye contact and presence - She wants to know she's not just another hole. She wants to be appreciated here, in the moment, and if you don't look at her and smile on occasion, you'll give her the impression you've left the planet and are screwing a fantasy woman, not her.
- An ability to know when to stop and step back. You should be prepared to ease off on your advances if you're not making positive progress. We need to revisit Self-discipline again. The smart army, in the words of Sun Tzu, knows when to fight and when not to fight:
If he can fight, he advances and takes the offensive; if he cannot fight, he retreats and remains on the defensive. He will invariably conquer who knows whether it is right to take the offensive or the defensive.
If he can fight, he advances and takes the offensive; if he cannot fight, he retreats and remains on the defensive. He will invariably conquer who knows whether it is right to take the offensive or the defensive.
- Relaxed, no rush atmosphere: Too many guys jump into the "Gotta get it while I can" mode when they get the green light for sex. The thinking here is that you need to get it before she changes her mind. Slow down! Take your time. If you please her well enough, there's almost no way she'll stop or change her mind.
- Planned and prepared: Have condoms. Any guy who thinks he can (or should) engage in sex without protection is flirting with a possible pregnancy, disease, and even death. Sure, it feels a lot better without a layer of latex between you, but you can sacrifice the added pleasure for your health. Condoms are not an option anymore.
- Giving: Women are very concerned about your ability to please them (probably because so few men know about where and how to touch them.) This anxiety appears very prominently when you first go to bed with her. Something I've found very interesting over the years: The best way to handle your first encounter with a woman is to ensure that she gets hers first. Go down on her or have her guide your hand in the best way to give her stimulation (requiring some of those communication skills we discussed earlier.) After she's hit Cloud 9, you can then take as long or as short as you like, and she's a lot more grateful. (Sometimes, though, she may be too self-conscious to let herself go, an orgasm may be difficult.)
- Awareness: You should always be aware and present enough during sex that you aren't missing clues on your performance. Don't ignore indications that you might need to alter your approach.
- No anger or violence: The biggest fear of a woman is that she will be physically harmed by a man. Allowing you to enter her body is a high statement of her trust. If she is in enough lust, she will override that trust mechanism, but it only lasts for a little while.
Also keep in mind that she doesn't want to go through every position in your first night together. You want to demonstrate you have a firm grip on the basics before you go catapulting into complex body-twisting positions that would make a Chinese acrobat wince. Don't presume you're going to get a "69" on your first time with her, though it could happen if she's very open and trusting in bed. You just need to spend your time attending to her needs. I have yet to find a woman that won't branch out and explore if she's been made comfortable from the start.
There are three F's to sex that will net you the most benefit, even if you do nothing else:
Remember what I said: Women rarely climax solely from your rabid pelvic thrusting. She needs direct stimulation to achieve climax, and her psychological desire to have it must be present first. Foreplay is like lighting the fuse of her fireworks. Take your time.
Another way to leverage the power of foreplay is to use it when you know you aren't going to have sex, or leave it unresolved. The more foreplay you use without resolution, the more you are likely to stir her passions for more regular sex. Consider foreplay an investment in your sexual reservoir.
There's another area where you need to relax, and it's in your motions. Sexual tempo ranges from near-zero - you're barely moving - to Jackhammer, where you're moving like an engine at red-line. Almost all sexual motions that please her are in the lower end of the scale. Vary your tempo for the widest affect. Go from slow to a bit faster, back to very slow. Also, vary your pressure and focus from time to time. If you've ever had a woman spend too much time rubbing one spot of your body, you know how irritating it can be. Take a second or two on another location before you go back.
During any sex session, do not expect to spend all of your time building up in one Herculean effort to get her to climax. No one gets to the top of a mountain in one run without stopping at several base camps along the way. There should be several planned pauses in the action to help her reach the summit. Remember, an uncomfortably fast rhythm feels violent to a woman, and you'll scare her and turn her off. Slow, soothing motions are always acceptable.
There's a lot of controversy over this zone in a woman, but most men agree that there is a patch of the inside of her vagina that can stimulate a different kind of orgasm for her. (The difference between clitoral orgasms and g-spot orgasms has often been described as "outside" and "inside" orgasms.) Without drawing you an explicit diagram (there are plenty in a bookstore's sex section, hint-hint ...), you should feel for an area inside her, on the top of her vaginal tract (that's closest to you when you're on top and she's on her back), about three inches in and about the size of a dime. You may have to search a while with some circular motions of your fingertips, but you'll get a distinct reaction from her when you find the Promised Land. If she's good at communicating with you, you might get her to tell you where to find it.
This isn't rated their favorite sex act by women for nothing. Women love it. You need to be good at it.
The first place to start is understanding her anatomy. You need to know where her clitoris is, as well as where her g-spot is located. The secret to giving her mind-blowing orgasms is to stimulate her consistently at both points, which means using your tongue externally, as your fingers work inside her to stimulate the g-spot. Use the recommendations I stated before on tempo as you go, and she'll have a convulsive moment that might throw you off the bed with its intensity. (And you'll probably be a bit jealous, too.)
For when you stimulate her externally only, use your tongue in slow circles about her clitoris for maximum effect. Do not use your teeth, and beware using any fingers that have not been properly lubricated - by her or artificially.
Anal Stimulation/Anal Sex
Hey, some guys love the old dirt road. There are some things to be aware of when you stimulate a woman here:
- It's always painful until she relaxes, so go VERY slowly. Start with a small finger and go from there.
- Always use some kind of lubrication. Always.
- Never use the same finger, toy, whatever, on both her butt and the vagina. This is exceptionally bad hygiene that will likely give her a UTI (Urinary tract infection.) Not pretty or fun, and you don't want her cursing your name every time she has to scream when peeing. Be clean.
- Always ask before you explore. You can do this in a very gentle way, such as putting your finger close by and asking "Do you mind, or do you prefer not?"
A lot of women like stimulation in the posterior, and they are also torn, believing the stigma that anal stimulation or sex is filthy and degenerate. (There are still laws on the books of many states against Sodomy.) If this is your taste and not hers, respect her wishes and stay away. You'll find that if you do well in pleasing her in other areas, she may get curious later on.
Women will talk dirty with you, but it's not usually until after they've established a large Trust account in your name. Her first interest will be on hearing some love talk, and you'll have to come up with some if you want to get to a point where she grabs you by the hair and tells you: "Just &#$! me!" Don't start talking dirty to her until she's started, as you will definitely risk having her feel degraded and humiliated. She's not your personal porn movie or fantasy. She wants to be respected first, then she'll get playful.
Yeah, I figured I'd have to cover this topic. What is there to say, other than almost every man likes getting head. It's probably the one sex act that has reached almost legendary renown, especially since our President Bill sent Monica bobbing for apples. Here are some of the rules of getting the oral sex you want:
- Don't shove her face down there on the first time you sleep with her. This goes back to the trust and respect thing. She wants to be appreciated and respected, not shoved into a smelly patch of pubic hair.
- Don't push her deeper than she willingly takes you. If you gag her (if you can gag her, big boy), she'll be pissed, and rightfully so.
- Announce your "arrival" for her so that she can decide what to do about it. If she swallows, you're in the clear, but if she doesn't, you have to respect that. Most men don't like it when she doesn't swallow, since it implies that she isn't accepting you on some level - it's a rejection. There are a lot of reasons for her not doing it initially, though, so be aware. She may not want to swallow until more trust has developed, she may be afraid of disease, or she may hate the taste, etc. When you know the reason, you can make a better decision as to whether this is acceptable.
If a woman will not give you any kind of oral sex, you have a right to find out why. Make sure you've set a precedent of giving first and showing her that you are willing to go south before you make any decisions. I personally will not accept a relationship with a woman who is not willing to give as good as she gets. It's not selfish; it's just my requirement for reciprocation. And I've found most women who absolutely refuse to give oral sex usually to be slightly sexually damaged in some way.
Again, guys love the thought of them, and women are initially repulsed (even if they would otherwise entertain the notion later, after trust has been established.) I don't know what to tell you here, other than if you are looking for this kind of experience early on, you'll have to find a woman with a very open-minded and hearty sex drive willing to indulge you. I believe sex is challenging enough without making it even more intimidating having to perform for two, but it can be interesting with the right combination. Beware the emotional involvement and feelings that could emerge from this situation, especially if your lady agrees to do this but with some hesitation. Jealousy runs deep and cold in the ocean of her heart.
Be careful, don't cause any lasting hurt or damage. And always have a "safe word," something you say to end the fantasy without going too far.
- The Porn Star: She wants to do everything under the sun, and owns toys that would intimidate a hooker. Her screams of ecstasy shatter crystal. She's unbelievable in bed (or in a car, or on a train, or in an alley, or your front lawn, or ...) If you can handle the eventual jealousy and inadequacy you'll experience (and the claw marks on your back), she's fantastic. Just watch for her wanderlust, because when she's through with you, it's on to happier hunting grounds.
- The Nympho: Not to be confused with the Porn Star, this gal has a huge sexual appetite, wanting it more than even you can give it. Not a real problem unless you
Threesomes get selfish and won't satisfy her needs, and then she starts looking for those happy hunting grounds .
- Frozen Chick: she has no sex drive, and even if she does put out, it's a cold and disheartening experience that makes you feel as if you are a Bad Man. She makes the sounds and the motions, but you know she's acting. She probably has a deep-seated hatred of men. Avoid and move on. You want a relationship with a woman who has a healthy sex drive.
- The Super-sensitive: She needs to hear a lot about your feelings in bed to go through with it. Nothing wrong here, she's just in need of a lot of stroking. You should be careful to avoid saying too much to her in bed, since you could well risk ruining the mystery of your feelings too early. Give her the reassurance she needs, but do it in ways that appreciate her, such as telling her how sexy she looks and feels, how she makes you feel so excited, etc.
- The Dead Fish: Ms. Take it or Leave It when it comes to sex. Doing her is like necrophilia. You'd swear she went into a coma the second your clothes came off. She might moan once or twice, but you feel almost guilty having sex with her because she seems as if she's imagining she's bound and gagged. This gal is never fun to sleep with, and there's way too much work here to rehabilitate. Unless she's an occasional sex buddy, consider this a major red flag.
- The Role-player: She loves to pretend she's anyone but herself, and that you're anyone but you. This can be fun ... for a while. If she keeps this up too long, you'd better be wondering why she doesn't like reality so much.
- The Switch Hitter: She's bisexual, and proud of it. If you're just looking for a threesome, you could be in for some fun, or a disappointment. And if you are the jealous type, this gal doubles the potential to raise your doubts. You'll get a lot of pointers on technique, though.
- The Sexual Controller: She needs to own you to have sex with you, and it's only on her schedule and with her conditions firmly met.
You show me the most beautiful woman in the world, and I'll show you a guy
who's tired of having sex with her.
So many guys go to bed with only one requirement for a woman: she has a vagina. But there is more to it if you want it to last for any amount of time. As far as sex goes, be aware that even after all you do in bed for a woman, she may simply not be a good sex partner. Many women are just as incompetent in bed as guys are; it's just that we have much lower expectations and easier physiologies.
There are also women on the other end of the spectrum, who appear to want sex, but are only going through the motions (like Frozen Chick above). I won't go into much detail here about the psychology of this (there are whole books written on this condition alone), but suffice to say there are women with some pretty severe sexual dysfunctions. Many women are incapable of having an orgasm, and others have been so badly conditioned from early experiences that they feel they only have sex to please men, not themselves. You'll get a hint of what kind of woman you're with when you learn to fine-tune your awareness and watch her reactions to what you do.
Watch out for the "I Love You"
If she says this early on, during sex, be very careful not to reply. This is most likely a part of her validation mechanism (low self-esteem) coming to the surface. She wants to hear this from you either to make herself feel loved and therefore worthy, or she needs to hear it to resolve the cognitive dissonance she has inside - that she needs to be in love to have sex. She wants to avoid feeling like a "slut." You should just say something along the lines of "You're so beautiful" or another appreciation of her. If she pushes you for a return "I love you," you need to resist the urge. She may be seeking some kind of commitment from you and this could get awkward later on. If she stops you and says, "Don't you love me?" It's better to tell her "I may in the future, but right now I'm just happy to be here with you and sharing this." If that's not good enough and she stops sex to get you to commit, the option is yours, but don't be blackmailed into it because you're afraid of having sex taken away from you. You got this far with her, you'll do it again. You often gain much more respect and confidence from the women you turn down than the women you accept too easily.
There's a joke that one of the sure-fire ways to drive a man away is to cry during or after sex. Many times it's just an emotional release for the woman, and she'll usually just tear up or cry for a few seconds and be done. If, however, this happens frequently or lasts much longer, you may have damaged goods on your hands. She may have been abused, or she may have some significant trauma that is being released during sex. If it happens frequently, watch this closely - it's a red flag.
Normal, healthy individuals can have sex regularly without too many issues. If you find that you are being manipulated through the holding back of sex, or if she has a very temperamental sex drive, you should seriously consider moving on. (See Appendices.) A hot-cold sex drive is very inconsistent and it will wreak havoc with your nervous system, making you miserable. You never want to be in a situation where you feel manipulated by her control over sex - it's humiliating. If you have a situation where you just don't get together very frequently, sex may just have to be more intermittent for you until you achieve a regular pattern of meeting.
Chi is the Chinese term for your life energy, and it travels your body in paths, gathering at certain points. Now, you don't need to be a mystic, Chi Gong practitioner, or New Age weirdo to understand or believe in the use of your life force. You feel energy in various parts of your body all the time. Most people aren't highly tuned enough to control the flow, or haven't been educated about it. There is a great deal of accepted literature on the use of chi in healing and it's even being used along side more traditional practices. I encourage you to look into it further, as it will help you understand your body much better.
Whether you believe in these principles or not, you have probably experienced the phenomenon of your energy being lost through sex. When you ejaculate, your body goes through varied changes related to chemical releases in your brain. You get sleepy, you have an urge to grab a smoke, or even raid the refrigerator. What is also happening is a definite loss of will and energy.
Have you ever tried working out after a morning session with your girlfriend? I'll bet the results weren't too spectacular. You probably felt a little drained and lethargic, even though you weren't necessarily sleepy, and definitely not at your peak performance. This loss of energy is also consistent with losing your chi energy. On the other hand, when a man doesn't get any release for a week or two, he's much more vigorous and lively. He has more energy to channel.
Masturbation releases valuable creative energy. When you're in the process of meeting and dating women, you need drive and motivation to practice some of these techniques, as well as summon the will to get out there and just meet new women. It's hard enough when you have a decent energy level, but if you divert that energy away into self-satisfaction, you'll be robbing yourself of precious motivation.
Exercise your self-discipline. Yes, you need to keep from playing with yourself too much. Chi energy gives you a great reserve of power to draw from. Also, don't let too much build, as too much sexual frustration can distract you from your strategies of a Dynamic Man, but find a comfortable balance that gives you the motivation to take action, yet won't sap your willpower.
Don't be apologetic to a woman in words or attitude about sex. Sex is a shared experience, not a transaction. Don't ever thank her, or say anything that expresses gratitude for her sleeping with your sorry ass. Don't apologize either. What you did, you both did out of desire and choice. The super Nice Guys get very weepy and grateful when a woman sleeps with them because they think she did it out of pity or necessity. If you did it right, she got herself a big happy out of it, too.
A man of high self-confidence knows that she didn't sleep with him because he bought dinner, or she was doing him a favor. If you give off that vibe of desperation you will almost surely be put in a position of sorry supplication. The Dynamic Man acts like a man that fulfilled her desires and laid her every bit as much as she laid you.
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