It's amazing what a little space to think will do for a woman's attitude when it comes to appreciation and recognizing what you have to offer. Most men are afraid to put this to work for them, based solely on their fear that if they back off or let up on the intensity of their romantic offensive on the women, she will lose interest and forget about him.
The opposite is actually the Truth. By backing off and giving her space at a strategic point where you sense that she might be feeling a bit closed in and maybe even smothered by your advances, you will give her the room she needs to breathe, think, and start to miss you. Once you've established an initial attraction, and if you have been able to keep a good level of trust without losing your mystery and challenge, a woman will want to find out more about you. Very often, she just needs you to step back and let her know that you're not going to run over her. This will give her added comfort and trust in you, as well as demonstrating that you have self-discipline and self-confidence. Only needy and insecure men overwhelm women with a constant barrage of affection. You show your interest with hints, not beating her over the head.
If you've been dating a woman for a while and find that you have reached a stalemate, where she appears to be resisting all further advances, your best bet is always a strategic withdrawal. Take a step back and apply your self-discipline.
One Night Stands
These have never really been a goal of mine, but I know that there are a lot of men who don't mind an occasional brief romp that doesn't lead to a relationship. Guys are more interested in quick sex, as a general rule. However, there are many women who want sex without the commitment of a relationship. And, at some point in your dating life, you'll probably run into what I term the reverse-payback. Essentially, you get emotionally involved with a girl you sleep with right off the bat, but as it turns out, she only wanted a romp in the hay, and she promptly dumps you.
Sucks, huh? No one said life was fair. But it does go to show you that you don't have to be so worried that you're this mean old "player" out there to hurt women. There is plenty of the reverse situation going on out there, too.
If your target is to have fairly casual sex with no ties to any particular girl, then you're going to have to step up your energy - and your psychology. As I said, there are many women who are interested in the same thing, but they still want the same primary elements that other women want: attraction, trust, and respect. They just want them in different quantities.
In order for her to dive in to this with you quickly, you have to be very aggressive with your teasing and your humor, as well as be willing to move forward with your progression much quicker. You'll want to go from wherever you are to more private surroundings as quickly as possible. The secret is to get them isolated so you can work with her one-on-one. You start by getting her away from other friends, then into a surrounding away from all other people. This has to be done in parallel with your intensification of your approach.
The ideal candidates for one-night stands are women who you have an instant chemistry with. Things just "click," and you're able to move ahead much faster than with a woman who has setup a lot of the roadblocks to your seduction. These women aren't "easy" by any means, they're just ready for you. Every so often, these people come along and we can't deny our gutlevel attraction. Now, remember that these women are on the far side of the spectrum, the one that goes from "super easy" to "super frigid." You still have to exercise caution and self-discipline along the way.
Handling a one-night stand is entirely up to you and your needs. I have known many people who started a good short-term romance from a one-nighter. Although you should observe that it is difficult to transition from a brief sexual fling into a more secure relationship, since you will have put the cart before the horse, so to speak. The foundation of most short- to long-term relationships is best created with a more prolonged period before you gratify your lusts.
The best way to handle things is to be very careful not to put out a false pretense at any point during the seduction. Do not lie or con your way into her pants or her bed! All of this information is to be used honorably, and using false pretenses to get laid is dishonorable, and you will suffer consequences. I'm not going to threaten you with bad Karma, but you should know that every action you take affects you and your life. Being a 'player' in the bad sense of the word will only come back to haunt you later.
Long Distance Relationships
I can only recommend you avoid long distance relationships. What happens in almost all cases is that her physical distance becomes a challenge to you, and as a result, you distort your feelings of attraction for her. The lack of exposure to each other also promotes self-delusion about how much you genuinely feel for each other. Resorting to email and phone calls for contact only serves to make things more complicated, as you may forge a false relationship with her, built on the pretense of sharing information instead of engaging in constructive attraction-building behavior. You may even slip into the trap of believing you should relocate for her, and this is almost always a mistake.
Seduction and romance must take place in person. Avoid dating at a distance, unless it is a casual affair where neither of you is interested in taking it further. (Even then, it can get complicated, so beware.)
I consider a short-term relationship to be six months or less. Typically, if you survive the first six months you're likely to be in for a while, and there is a more distinct emotional bond between you as well. During the short-term romance, you are looking to accomplish several things:
First of all, you're still in decision mode. If you see red flags, you need to resolve them, accept them, or move on. Don't try to change her. You might achieve some short-term success, but long-term you will only reap resentment.
Second, you need to limit your time with her strategically. If you're still dating casually, you should not be seeing any one woman more than once a week. If you start seeing them more frequently, you'll trigger their relationship instincts, and they'll expect this to be serious and exclusive. If that's your goal then go for it. However, if this isn't your goal, be very clear with her that you are not looking to get serious. Just be prepared that your unavailability will eventually induce her to be more interested in you and she will want to turn this exclusive.
Women want monogamous relationships by nature. They don't want to date around, and when they do it is typically only after a breakup or when they are dealing with more issues in their life. So understand that your ability to keep things 'casual' with any particular woman will depend first on her disposition (is she looking for more than something casual), and then the frequency with which you see her. If you get together every month or so, you'll probably keep the monogamy beast at bay.
By keeping your time with her limited, you'll be developing more response potential from her. Your availability is in inverse proportion to her desire. The less she gets of you, the more she'll want.
Next, you want to be moving forward at each step in the game. You don't have to try to one-up every experience you have, but you should be making each meeting move deliberately forward with respect to the building of attraction between you. At the end of the first date, you must go for a kiss. At the end of the second, you may want to shoot for some prolonged kissing and evocative touching. From there, you progress into more of the same, including some even more erotic touching and removing clothes. Eventually, you will get to the point of going to bed with her. The steps are as follows:
1. First meeting - decide on attraction/interest
2. Second meeting, kiss
3. Third meeting, extended kissing, more seductive behavior, light touching
4. Fourth meeting, even more kissing, more erotic touching, possibly removing clothes
5. Heavy touching, moving toward sex. Relocate to the bedroom.
Along this progression, you must be dancing the steps I told you about - two forward, one back; two forward, one back. This way you will be building up her attraction, yet never coming on too strong. Now, these steps that you take forward must always be in proportion to the attraction between you. If you are with a cautious and slower moving woman, your steps will be shorter and slower. If she is much more open and willing, your steps will be longer and bolder. Whatever you do, you must keep the progression of your romantic interests out front. Another potential trap is when a guy starts to date a woman and he lets off the accelerator for fear of creating discomfort. He stops teasing and starts "getting serious." Soon afterwards, he senses that things are rapidly de-escalating into a friendship instead of a romance. Keep moving forward!
Another option is to use what I call "Tweener" meetings to keep things moving. Some women have extremely busy schedules, and they are often difficult to work into yours. You often have to resort to getting small meetings in between from time to time. This might include more coffee dates and shorter rendezvous, like a lunch in a park. Again, stay aggressive on your goal. Even short meetings can maintain your forward motion. Keep going for kisses and trying to up the ante on your physical attraction where you can.
During the first sixty days of a relationship, you should keep things light and fun. Do not come on strong. Keep your compliments to a minimum, give no extravagant or expensive gifts, don't talk about your feelings, and please, please, no romantic poetry. When you confirm what you feel about with her, she has no room to fantasize and build her romantic infatuations for you.
Also, at the very start, keep your touching to a minimum. Let her come on to you. If you show too much physical affection too soon, she'll start to feel smothered. Ever had a girl who clings on you like Velcro? Remember how it made you want to pull away and run for your life? It works the same for her. The less you touch her, the more she will want to touch you. When you do, it will be more inviting and satisfying.
You will also keep your references to sex to a minimum. All too often a guy will start bringing up sex as if this was all a woman was waiting to hear to get hot and jump him. She will not respond to your desire for her with more desire for you. However, she will respond to your absence of obvious desire as doubt, and that will motivate her to validate if you are interested. If she jokes about sex, you need to turn it around into her coming on too strong - jokingly. Do the gender role reversal. She'll get even more challenged.
If you come on strong, she thinks: <===>
Great, another guy who worships me and wants to have sex. Just like the last one. This isn't challenging at all. Well, at least I'll get dinner out of it. Ewww, what do I do if he wants to kiss me?
If you come on light and mysterious she thinks:
Hmmm. He's nice, but he's so hard to read. I wonder what he's thinking? I wonder what he thinks about ME? Is he attracted to me? I wonder if he likes my body ... I wonder if he's a good kisser... I wonder...
What you don't tell her in words or obvious action, she doesn't know. What she doesn't know translates into a need to know more. Conversely, what she does know translates into not needing to do anything or wonder anything. She won't be reaching for you. Make sense?
Avoid the Premature "I Love You"
There is a temptation to put these three words out there far too early. I've been guilty of it, too. Something I learned early on was that the longer you wait to say this, the better off you are. I won't go into esoteric discussions of what love is or when it happens, but suffice to say that it usually doesn't happen for a long time. There is no "love at first sight," only lust at first sight that actually turns into something long-term.
The best rule of thumb is that a man who says this too soon is no challenge, and is basically wearing his heart on his sleeve. Avoid saying it during sex, as it tends to be said too freely. Do not pledge your love in words or writing for at least three months. I hesitate to say that you should wait longer, if at all possible. And never say it if you don't mean it.
Remember that saying how you feel is much less effective as showing it. A woman responds more to demonstrations of affection than words.
Paying the Bill
LoserBoy: She's pulling out her wallet. Cool! She's going to chip in!
LoserBoy: She's pulling out her wallet. Cool! She's going to chip in!
Ooh, I can hear you guys moaning in pain already. How do you handle the bill when it comes? Well, I'll assume that you took my advice and are not going on traditional dates until at least after the third or fourth get-together, if at all. When you start behaving like a "dater" you are going to fall back into that pattern of courtship. But if you insist on taking her to dinner, which is a necessity at some point, you'll want to know how to handle the bill.
Here's the short and simple: You take the bill and behave as though you are going to pay it. Don't let it sit there in the middle of the table like a turd that no one wants to admit exists. Be decisive and take the bill. If she says nothing, she is assuming the role of the traditional woman-on-a-date, and there's nothing wrong with that. If she offers to pay for it, you thank her and say you can get it. If she insists on paying her share, then she is telling you one of two things: She wants no obligation to you, or she could be mature and modern, and she wants you to know that she's capable of paying her own way. You should still insist on paying initially.
If she doesn't offer to help on the first date, wait until the third date to see if she chips in. She should offer by this point. If she seems to expect you to pay for everything, this is an attitude for you to address. This could be a sign that she's a gold-digger.
My general advice is to avoid eat-out meals if you can (especially for the first few dates) and cook her dinner yourself. It has much more romantic potency, and it moves you along the continuum even faster.
As you progress, you should be increasing your expectations of her, and at the same time working to avoid letting her tests become a shift in power control. Her tests (more detail later in the book) are times when she will push back against the boundaries you have set, either through misbehaving or flagrant defiance, and you must demonstrate confident resolve.
Start by not reacting emotionally. That's an immediate failing grade. Next, you point out what you're seeing and give her an opportunity to save face and apologize. If she pretends not to notice or understand, you must trust in your perception of Truth and hold her to your standard of behavior. Communicate that this is unacceptable, and that you are willing to drop her like second-period French if she ever does it again. Then follow up with a polite segue to another topic to give her a chance to demonstrate her attitude. If she's bitchy because you called her on her behavior, you keep an eye on this as a red flag.
Some examples of tests are:
■ Arriving late/not being ready
■ Inappropriate comments or remarks that have a questionable intent, like a veiled insult that is not good-natured play
■ Changing your plans or expecting you to cater to her spur-of-the-moment whims
Your first fear will be her rejection if you make her mad. I actually like to get women mad at me to see how they react. Anger is passion, and without passion, you're just a walking erection with strong cologne. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference.
Meet the Parents
Tommy Lee said it best in the autobiography of Motley Crue. He said that if he could go back and correct one thing about his past relationships, he'd be sure to meet his girlfriends' mothers as soon as humanly possible.
I have to echo this sentiment. Every single woman I've ever dated has had issues with her parents that translated directly into their personality. Some worked out, some didn't. Some had mother issues. Some had father issues. But knowing what you have to work with up front is imperative. Meet her parents as soon as you can.
Long Term Strategies - To Marriage, And The Bitter End
Long-term relationships are typically six months or longer. You've worked through a lot of the lusty stages. You know, seeing each other every day and boffing like wild ferrets. Actually, if your goal is a relationship, you should be very careful to avoid that kind of obsessive, high-octane contact. It's like a fire started with gasoline: It will burn hot, but quick. If your goal is not necessarily to go for a long-term romance, then you can enjoy this super hot stage for all it's worth. If you want to progress this into something more enduring, however, you'll have to take a different approach.
The red flags you were once watching for have either dissipated, or they have been resolved. What you need to watch for now are the yellow flags that will eventually turn into red if they are not taken care of. Again, I have to assume you've screened her against your list of must-haves and nice-to-haves, and this is a solid candidate.
Yellow flags were there before, but they didn't look quite this yellow before because you had so much sex going on. The newness of the relationship was blinding you, and now Truth is coming around to give you a wet slap. Remember: Your interest level in a woman will eventually dip down much lower than it was when she was still a challenge. This is the point where comfort and familiarity often keep us in a situation that needs to be changed, but we lack the inertia and self-confidence to make the change.
Your objective for this stage is to vigilantly maintain the boundaries you've set in the past. You need to keep an eye out for her tests, but you'll also need to compensate with more compassion and nurturing for her than you may have given earlier on. Your essential game plan to keep things lasting is to never let her get bored of you and the relationship. It's easy to slip into comfort mode, but that's a rut that will eventually turn into a grave. You have to take the energies you would have been expending into the search and conquer of another woman into the ongoing care and feeding of just one. No, it isn't easy, but it has it's own rewards.
Continue reading here: Save YourButt
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