Ah, the age-old question. I think I've gone a long way toward answering this, but I would like to summarize it here:
The Kind of Man Women Want:
- Will make women think.
- Will make women feel excited, sexy, and turned-on rather than bored.
- Will prioritize his life and doesn't let anyone walk over him.
- Will make her feel important to him
- Is not afraid to speak his opinion.
- Keeps them on their toes through challenge. (i.e., the Three S's: Self-confidence, Self-discipline, Sense of Humor)
- Holds and maintains an element of mystery. (More challenge through slow disclosure)
- Is spontaneous.
- Gives them plenty of space and freedom, and keeps his own space.
- Is chivalrous. (i.e., he's confident enough to give a woman what she wants.)
Women need many things from a man. These needs are the currency of relationships, and giving them to her allows her to build up enough in her account to give you what you want.
You've been confused most of your life about what women want because they always seem to be saying one thing while meaning another. To them, however, this doesn't seem weird at all. It's how they communicate things they don't know even understand about themselves. Women don't talk in code; they are just talking from a different part of their brain than the part that actually responds to men. When she says she wants a "nice guy," she's really saying that she knows the emotional part of her brain - the part without a true verbal language - wants someone 1) who won't hurt her (trust) and 2) who is attractive to her, not a wimp who has trouble deciding what to order from a menu. She knows what makes her trust, but not always what makes her attracted to a man.
A woman's emotional mind is like a subwoofer: all resonance and feeling, but very little of the sound from it can actually be understood or is intelligible. They speak in an abstracted and indirect way because there is no direct connection between these "speakers" in their brain.
Here, then, are the qualities that a woman wants in a relationship. (Remember: Now that you know, you can't claim ignorance anymore. Don't say I didn't warn you.)
■ Safety - Trust o Emotionally stable o Non-violent o Good character (isn't "sleeping around")
© 2003 - Carlos Xuma. - DD Publications - All Rights Reserved -
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■ Appreciation/Affection - to feel unique and special o Gives massages/baths o Treats her (on occasion) like royalty o Cuddling
■ Drama/Intrigue o Talk just to talk/Share drama o Emotional charge
■ The Three S's in a Man = Challenge o Self-confidence o Self-discipline o Sense of humor
■ Consistent behavior (in a long-term mate)
■ Security o Provides for her o Loyal to her
■ Fun/Excitement o Being different
■ Mystery o Slow disclosure of information
■ Teases her and treats like another person, not a goddess
Up until the last twenty years or so, it was a commonly held misconception that women were somehow frigid by nature and had no interest in sex. This fallacy was created by men who thought that since a woman postpones sex, she only "gives it up" to get what she wants - a faithful husband to provide for her.
Women want sex as much as men, they just have a different timetable and requirements before they do. There has been a lot of sexual liberation for women, and even though there are a lot of women that have occasional casual sex, they are still programmed since birth with the fear of being labeled promiscuous. The label of "slut" is still a fundamental fear of almost all women, and it's probably the most damning of judgments a woman can feel is placed on her value. To avoid thinking of herself as a slut, or "easy," she manages her cognitive dissonance in several ways:
- She will probably want to wait until at least the third date to sleep with you - and that's if things go very well. There is a certain American cultural norm accepted in recent years that says that sex is generally acceptable (sometimes expected) on the third date. Ultimately, though, when you have sex will be dictated by her level of trust and attraction for you.
- She will be turned off by any overt verbal or physical sexual suggestions by you, even when she wants sex and might like to talk a little trashy. In her mind, she wants to maintain her ladylike persona, and you should not challenge this. Let her be the one to bring up sexual topics.
She doesn't need any logical rationalization to sleep with you. Talking to her - listing all the reasons why she should go to bed with you, including being pushy - will not work, and will often backfire. She has to feel like sleeping with you with her emotions, not her rational mind. Remember, people make emotional decisions and then back them up later with logic.
We'll cover sex in the final chapter.
Vulnerability / Honesty / Risk / Emotional Disclosure
One thing that women have consistently promoted as being one of their top desires is a man who has a level of vulnerability, who can express his emotions. This is only partially true. Where men run into trouble is when they confuse disclosure and honesty with overexposure and losing their posture. Risks are required to progress in a relationship, but there is a healthy limit.
Initially, you should only disclose those things about you that increase her attraction for you. If you tell her something about how you killed frogs with a baseball bat when you were eight, no matter how repentant you might seem, she's going to mark that against you. Your honesty may register on her conscious mind, but it's her feelings that will dictate her attraction and sexual interest in you. You have plenty of time to tell her about your childhood fetish for frog murder if and when you both decide to go beyond a short-term dating spree. For now, negatives will always repel her.
Remember, never lie, but don't tell too much truth, either. Discretion is more respected than confession. Save your need for absolution for your priest.
Risks, on the other hand, are what you will have to take along the way to gain her trust. You risk by asking her to go out with you to a local record store; she risks by going along. You risk telling her a little about your taste in music; she risks telling you about her Barbie collection. You risk leaning in for a goodnight kiss; she risks by kissing you back. You risk, she risks. Back and forth.
If, after a time, you don't get reciprocating risks from her, you must move on. Risks from both sides enable trust, and that allows you to progress along the continuum. If you hold back from risk, you are at a deadlock, and you'll be very unlikely to move forward effectively. Risk establishes trust, and trust is a requirement.
What is the power source behind risk, you ask? I'm sure you know by now.
When your fear of loss is contained in your confidence, you have the ability to take a risk. When you don't get any return on your investment, you have the discipline to cash in this stock for something better. And the whole time, your humor keeps you from taking the situation (or yourself) too seriously.
The one thing a woman will do is to test your compliance. Her tests all focus on finding out if you will do what she wants because she is a woman (with the sex you want) and if you are a wimpy man who will do anything to get it. She's not doing this because she's some nasty dominating woman; she's doing it because she has to find out if you can be cut from the try-outs as early as possible and not risk her heart. The sooner she can find out what you're made of, the sooner she can find out if she will be calling the shots in the relationship (boring) or if you will demonstrate backbone and self-confidence (interesting and attractive.) It's a power play, pure and simple. She's trying to establish a baseline of behavior (and respect) that she can then accept as the norm from you, so don't flunk these tests! Most women give these tests at a level that is very sub-conscious, while others may test you on purpose. Make no mistake - you will be tested at some point. You must stand up for the correct behavior or be forever lost.
Tests are also a kind of short-cut. Some women are more jaded and cynical than others, but all are trying to screen you out of the process early so they don't have to waste their time. (This is something you are also doing, but in a different manner.) Her first concern when she meets you is to find out if you are safe to be around, which includes emotionally safe. She doesn't give you her valuable affection and feelings if you seem like the kind of guy who will hurt her.
There are two interlocked reasons why guys fail women's tests:
1) They don't recognize tests for what they are
2) They are afraid to call her on them when they do recognize them out of fear of disapproval and rejection
If you don't call her on her tests, you'll end up in supplication, the kneeling pose of a million wimpy guys, enslaved to comply with a woman because he's afraid of making her mad. If you prefer the other option - and I hope you will - you'll start to point them out when you see them. Remember, she can't respect a man she can control and manipulate, and she wants to respect you.
Your best defense is your sense of humor, backed with a lethal dose of self-confidence when it comes time to act. Never react to anything. Always take a second to step back and scratch your chin with a wrinkled brow. The time that you take to think could be what saves you from reacting and making a grievous error.
To address the first situation, not recognizing the tests, let me give you a helping hand. There are many types of tests a woman will throw your way. Here are a few of them:
- Changing the Rules Test: A favorite of women everywhere, this test comes as a subtle influence over a situation that may seem harmless at first, but is a gradual attempt to show her influence over you. The changes are almost always to meet her convenience. Here's what happens:
o You set an appointment to meet Denise at 7:00 because you want to catch a local author at a bookstore. She calls you at 6:45 and asks you to come meet her at another store instead of meeting her where you planned, and you two can walk over together. This will probably make you late.
What do you do? The best thing is to refuse her offer politely and tell her that you planned to see this author at 7:00. Meeting her at this other store would jeopardize your ability to get a good seat. Tell her you will meet her where you planned, and you'll hold a spot for her when she gets done shopping.
- Disrespect Test: This one comes in two flavors, subtle and not-so-subtle. Disrespect from anyone - regardless of gender - should never be tolerated. When you call them on it (using your sense of humor so you don't come off as a jerk), you'll regain respect from both men and women. Here's what happens when a woman uses subtle disrespect:
o She will very often make a casual remark that could be considered an insult or put-down, such as: "Well, I guess if you haven't been skiing long, moguls would scare you." Let's assume her tone implied that she wasn't just giving you a good-natured teasing. Your reply? You pause for a second, smirk, look at her directly and ask softly, "Really. What do you mean by that exactly?" This will give her a very gentle nudge, telling her that you are aware that she may have misspoken, and you are giving her a chance to save face. More often than not, she will just correct and apologize, but occasionally you get someone who just thinks they were pretty darn funny to begin with, and they deepen the hole. "I just meant that if you're not very good, you ought to stay on the beginner slopes. I hate having to dodge someone who can't ski to save their life." This may be her attempt to provoke you into an argument, and it's easy to let it go there. Later you'll learn that arguments are never really won, so you're best defense is to cut her off at the knees with a little humor. "Really? You're that good? You must be that skier I always envy. Do you give lessons, or are you in training for the Olympics?" Deliver that with a smile. If she gets offended or angry, you're dealing with a woman who is probably stiff and bitchy, and you need none of that. o In the case of open disrespect, you must put your foot down and make your stance abundantly clear. If you accept mistreatment from a woman (or anyone else) you will deserve all that you get.
One method of overt disrespect I showed you how to handle above, but the other is when you hear her say something that is blatantly an insult or put-down, such as this: Shawn just told Liz about his difficulty with moguls and a fall he took. She replies, "Well, dummy, what did you expect would happen? Duh." Even if veiled under laughter or a joking demeanor, this kind of "playfulness" on her part is disrespectful, rude, and should be corrected immediately. Shawn's reply is: "You know, Liz, I've been pretty impressed with your good manners ... until now. I don't find put-downs attractive from anyone, and I expect more respect than that. You should also expect the same from me." It's up to Shawn at this point to decide if he wants to end the date or give her another chance. She may even want to end it, and that is an indication that Shawn may have someone who isn't going to give him a minimum level of respect. Many women seem to believe that the put downs that they see passed back and forth on television are acceptable in real life, and it's up to you to ensure that this is not worked over you.
The key to this strategy is to ensure that you deliver your correction in a polite and non-angry or defensive tone. If you just seem hurt, she'll think that you are insecure and that she got to you. Remember: Self-confidence. As soon as you clear the air, move on to a light topic and switch back to friendly mode for a while. She may not jump right back at your level, but give her a little time.
- Passive/Aggressive Tests - (being late for a meeting/changing plans)
o The one test that is frequently given is to show up late or change plans. I gave some information about how to handle the change-of-plans ploy, but something does need to be said about the late factor.
Women are, by nature, late. They're late for almost everything, and there's always an excuse for why (no parking, last minute phone call, spilled caviar on dress, etc.) It's pointless to fight this, as it would be denying reality: She will be late on a regular basis. So, if we accept this as a given, here's your best approach:
■ First, if you have an event to attend, you can always tell her that it is a half-hour earlier than it actually is. If she calls you on this, you just say that you misread the time. Or, present it so that she has to meet you at your house at a particular time that you set, taking into account her probable tardiness. You minimize your inconvenience as you can be doing things at home while you wait, rather than sitting on her couch while she runs around getting ready, and her cat glares at you from across the room.
■ Second, if she pushes her lateness habit too far (i.e., frequently more than twenty minutes or so), you'll have to be firmer. You can let her know in advance that you want to arrive at a certain time, and she can leave with you at a given time, or she can meet you there. If she's late, you can leave a ticket at the will-call booth, or have her call your cell phone when she arrives.
■ Next, when she does pull the "I'm running behind" game, you must be firm in explaining where you stand. If you arrive at her house and she is running late, you must tell her that this is unacceptable, in clear terms: "Look, Rhonda, I understand you may not be used to men who are prompt and definite about the time, but I don't intend to be late for this event. I consider this disrespecting me and the time and energy I put into organizing this special event for us. If you can't be ready in 5 minutes, I'll call someone else to go along with me." There should be no anger in your voice, or any reactive tone. You state this simply and sternly. Undoubtedly, this may appear harsh at first, perhaps even "inflexible" (as some women will almost certainly say to you at some point.) The point is not about whether or not you are easygoing or not, but whether you are respected. You must be inflexible on occasion to ensure that you are respected. It's been my experience that most guys are too easygoing and laid back, which is not conducive to a woman's attraction to you. It's attractive to other men, but not to women.
- Test Questions: Do I look fat? Etc.
o We discussed how to handle questions earlier, and most of the test questions you get are standard. I've included some of these in the appendices for you to review. You may not always get the exact same wording, so look to identify the test behind her words when she asks you variations.
- Subordination of Your Priorities Test, or The Need to Change You o This one is subtle and often very insidious. This comes up when you have a hobby or a pastime that you enjoy that is a priority in your life. For some guys it's playing guitar, or fixing cars, or even watching football. A woman wants to subordinate your priorities and be put on top, and she's jealous of anything that displaces her. The way a woman gauges how important she is to you is by her ranking in your list of priorities. If she can get you to put aside something important to you to attend to her, she's managed to establish that she's important to you. The more she can, the better she feels. Unfortunately, if you consistently escalate her above your hobbies, you will demonstrate no challenge to her, that she basically owns you. You'll also show that you have no life beyond her, and that you are a wimp. If she isn't satisfied with who you are right now, you'll only be in for misery as she molds you into her vision.
■ The best way to manage this test is to start by including her on your hobbies right from the start. Defuse the competition. Make your potential opponent your ally. By bringing her in on them, you establish that you are a self-confident man with a life outside of dating women, and she gets to take part in your reality. If she doesn't show any interest in your passions, you can decide if you want to continue dating her.
■ If she later opposes your hobbies and pastimes, you'll need to be able to put your foot down and demonstrate your self-confidence and resolve. You tell her that you have interests that do not necessarily include her or her approval. If she has a strong issue with this, you tell her that she'll have to make the decision whether or not she would like to keep you in her life.
* This last tactic is very effective when it comes to demonstrating your independence and self-confidence. When you can tell a woman that she is free to come or go, and that you are giving her the initiative to decide what to do with her beliefs, you are making a powerful statement. You demonstrate that you will not cling, and you are self-confident enough to stand for what you believe in. If you can convey this in any confrontation you have with a woman, you will always win.
Beware of her reactions to you when you call her on her tests. Remember: Mommy isn't mad at you. She's just reacting to your display of self-discipline and self-confidence, the same way a child does when she doesn't get her lollipop. She will cry for a few minutes inside, but when she's done, she'll respect you more.
Give Them the Test
This is one female behavior that I think we men need to seize and use for ourselves. It's going to take some guts, but it's worth it.
What I propose is that men need to start testing women, and as early as possible. Our time is valuable, as is our money and our emotional investment opportunities. The quicker you find out if this woman is a No-Thank-You (AKA, kick her to the curb), you can get back to finding the Yes-Please ladies.
Here are my ideas for men's tests: (And please note that these tests are for both your benefit and hers.)
■ Is she a gold-digger? -- Guys, let's face it; money is the equivalent of the Neanderthal with excellent hunting ability and a nice cave. Women are still looking for our ability to provide, no matter how much they work to equal us in the workplace and with their careers. There are more studies than I can point to that show how unfulfilled women are with their 'corporate' lifestyle. Not that women aren't 100% as capable as men, but a woman's satisfaction has never been solely about her breadwinning ability. A woman is very much family-oriented and still wants to fill her inherently female roles. They also still want to know that you can provide for them, if and when they want to engineer a nice little family.
The test? Your first two to three 'dates' should be inexpensive and fun - emphasis on the fun. I provided some ideas earlier in the book. If she acts disappointed with what you arrange, and you suspect it's because you aren't buying her trinkets or spending a fortune on a meal at Wolfgang Puck's palace o' cuisine, you need to give her the boot. Don't be too cheap, but don't be lavish, either. Also, be very coy about describing your work in terms that would allow her to assume your salary. Tell her about the gratification you get from your work, not the fact that you're an investment banker. Get it? (Also note that if she seems to be curious in general about your provider potential, it's not always gold digging. She may need the last test listed below.)
■ Is she a bore? -- Ever dated a girl that you could tell was about as fun as a root canal? You start out all hunky-dory, then she starts to grate on your nerves. Your interest level nosedives, and the sex, if you're getting it, starts to lose its pizzazz. Let's be clear: The best relationship is where your girl is easy-going and fun to hang with, not a chore. Try and imagine fifty years of this gal at your side and you'll get some perspective.
The test? You need to press a few of her buttons, delicately at first. Teasing is a great start. Teasing also tests her self-esteem as well as her sense of humor. If she's insecure, her reaction will be to withdraw and be distant. You should not react by trying to comfort her if this is the reaction she gives you, by the way. A simple "I'm kidding" or "lighten up!" should be given. Be careful, don't insult her. Teasing nicely is a great test for her sense of self worth. If she gets really defensive ... watch out. o Another test for the "Is she a bore?" scenario is to suggest (sometime around the second or third date) doing something that is more your interest, not necessarily hers, but still fun for both of you. How does she react? What we're looking for is flexibility. If she whines about going to the pool, or going to the park to run the dog, or stretching out of her comfort zone, you're looking at a limited future. Growth here is unlikely, and you'll feel stifled very soon.
■ Is she consistent/stable/sane? - If there's one thing that will leave you on the edge of emotional breakdown, it's riding her rollercoaster. Inconsistent behavior is the sure-fire recipe for your misery. You usually don't have to test for stability, you just keep your eyes open for erratic or crazy behavior. The red flags will tell you all you need to know - if you don't ignore them.
■ Is she a good woman of character? - You want a good woman with integrity. Bottom line.
The test? There are many. One is to go to an ice cream shop. Give her a five-dollar bill and ask her to order you a chocolate cone while you use the men's room. When you get back, see if she gives you the change.
Most of her integrity and character will register with you at an intuitive level. You may not always know what the specifics are, but you know darn well when she does something that rings as off kilter. Trust your intuition, it will rarely let you down.
■ Is she a Program Woman? - There was a recent online survey reported on CNN.com (which, really, anyone could have figured out with an ounce of common sense) that reported men as waiting longer to get married, and therefore women are the ones on the wedding prowl. When a woman hits her late twenties/early thirties, her clock is ticking, LOUD. Hey, the reality is that men and women are here to a large degree to procreate, or else the human species would die out. There is nothing wrong with this need, but it may not be what you are looking for.
How do you test for the Program Woman? The best way is to initiate conversation about her family and listen to what she says about them. Listen. No, really, Slick, shut up for at least 50-75% of the conversation and listen to what she focuses on talking about. Does she emphasize her family? Her nieces or nephews? Or does she talk about her planned motorcycle trip through the Grand Canyon. Hmm. She just loves her friend's new baby? Does she seem to be putting things on 'hold' until her significant other comes along to sweep her off her feet? Or is her life moving on anyway. Listen to the slant of her questions. Is she asking you about your cave and your hunting ability? You may be being looked at as provider material. An active test would be to bring up the topic of marriage in a very general way and carefully observe her words and body language. Tell her about any friends of yours that are engaged and see how she runs with that ball. Or make faces at a little kid and say that he or she is "so cute." See what she says about that.
■ Does she give as good as she gets? - One of the most important traits a woman should have is her ability to give to you. There are givers, there are takers, but ideally you want a giver and a taker. She should be just as into pleasing you as you are into pleasing her. The test? It's called the door-lock test. Early on, when you're driving her places, be sure you're opening the door for her and letting her get in the car first.
© 2003 - Carlos Xuma. - DD Publications - All Rights Reserved -
Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datinqdynamics.com for more information.
Walk around the back of your car slowly and watch her. Did she reach over to unlock your door? Give her a few chances on this one to allow for her nervousness, but it's a pretty good indicator. Another good test is to give her a shoulder rub sometime. Then, on another meeting when you've been able to determine that she's not too shy to touch you, talk about how your neck and shoulders are stiff. Does she look at you with sympathy and gloss over it? Or does she offer to give you a rub, too. By the third or fourth date, she should be jumping to touch you if you've been engaging her attraction along the way. If she's not offering ways to help you and make you happier now, imagine what she'll be like down the road.
The Truth is that we all need ways of figuring out whether a person is right or wrong for us. Rather than staying in a relationship by default (i.e., dating her until you can't take it anymore), you should keep your eyes open to the behaviors and traits that she has and make sure they are what you want. She's testing you along the way, and you should be testing her as well.
Women want to do things for you. This is one of the ways in which they prove themselves to you. Many men shy away from asking women to do favors for them or help them, and in so doing they miss out on a great opportunity to engage a woman's investment mechanism in them.
Ask her to give you some advice, or pick something up for you while she's on a trip. Have her come by and help you change your spark plugs. Have her look up a good Italian restaurant in her part of town so that you can make the reservations. Ask her to loan you a jacket or an umbrella if it's raining. Have her walk your dog.
I'm not saying to leech or behave like a deadbeat with a woman. Don't borrow money, or ask to use her garage for your band practice. Be thoughtful, and be sure to reciprocate in some way so that she knows you're worth her trust. Take her to lunch, or out for a drink. This strategy will allow you to gain more of her trust as you demonstrate your ability to transact in the currency of a relationship. This strategy will also get her more emotionally engaged in you, because we become more attached to those who we have done something for or helped out in some way.
I hate to tell you this, but your mom messed up your head. Your dad had a part in this programming, too, but I'll forgive him for the moment since he didn't have the information I'm passing along. You see, all those things mom told you about what women want and how to treat girls and women is pretty much wrong. Your mom-pleasing and acceptance seeking has distorted your view of what women want.
When you were young, your mother probably chastised you for teasing and taunting girls. Now, you knew it made those girls more interested and attentive, but your mother told you it was wrong, and that's "not what a gentleman does." She was partly right, but not on the teasing and treatment. Women want to be thrilled and entertained by the presence of a funny, confident, self-disciplined man they can respect. They also want him to challenge her, and to not put her on a pedestal for worship. What probably happened to poor old mom is that the romance fell out of the marriage a while back, and she didn't know how to verbalize what it was that drew her to your dad in the first place. Since then, they've either divorced or lost any real fire between them. She doesn't want you to make the same mistakes, but she also doesn't understand that teasing and poking fun were valid ways to stoke a woman's attraction.
Unless you see your mom and dad having the kind of marriage or dating experience you want, don't listen to what they told you. It's unintentional misinformation that will only confuse you. Do what your heart tells you is True. Practice these strategies, and understand that only through the Three S's can you achieve your goal of becoming a Dynamic Man - the kind that women are drawn to.
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