Nature understands no jesting; she is always true, always serious, always severe; she is always right, and the errors and faults are always those of man. The man incapable of appreciating her, she despises and only to the apt, the pure, and the true, does she resign herself and reveal her secrets.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
This book was created in response to a need. A few years ago, when I was an advisor to undergraduates, I noticed that my friends and advisees were in a particular quandary. Even though they were young, good-looking, intelligent, talented, funny guys at one of the best universities in the world, their dating lives were terrible. Some of these guys spent months, even years going without a date or romantic prospect in sight. Even when they got the date, they didn't know how to make it progress to the next level. And they were surrounded by young, single, beautiful, intelligent women who went to class with them every day, ate meals with them every day, lived literally right next door to them. And these women wanted to date them. So why wasn't anything happening? The truth of the matter was simple. While these men had extensive training in how to do well at school, they hadn't had any in how to deal with women. Even a task as simple as driving can't be done well without some instruction, let alone the immensely complex task of navigating human relations.
Then I realized that I had once been in their shoes, and probably even more clueless than all of them. It had taken me years of work, dozens of books, seminars, tapes, observing other men, going out, talking to hundreds of women, falling down and getting up again to figure out how to deal with women. And my journey was nowhere close to being done. But I felt that I was in a position to convey some pivotal information to these young men to save them a lot of the pain and effort that I had to go through. So I put the word out that I was doing an underground dating seminar. On one April afternoon, fifteen men gathered in a dorm room and listened to what I had to say. And what happened was that they started to get results overnight. Literally the next day.
From that underground gathering came the first Tao of Dating seminar open to the public. This book before you is a highly concentrated, summarized version of that seminar. It is a collection of what I consider to be the best practices for dealing with women in a dating context. It is a synthesis of real-world experience of what works combined with the ideas behind why they work. For the conceptual part, I have drawn upon my formal education as a scientist, physician, and businessman at the world's best universities to bring you the most powerful and effective ideas for dating success. Concepts from psychology, evolutionary biology, economics and marketing illustrate the various points and are then turned into practical techniques which you can use immediately. For the practical part, I have drawn upon my studies of men who are highly successful with women and my own dealings (a.k.a 'research') with women. I have seen and experienced what works, and boiled it down to generally applicable principles that you can use yourself, regardless of your age, height, weight, or socioeconomic status. To all this I have added the timeless philosophical and spiritual principles of Eastern thought that I have studied on my own for twenty years. All of this comes together in a comprehensive system for success in dealing with women which I call The Tao of Dating. It wasn't easy for me. But I want it to be easy for you.
Every idea in this book has been tested and proven to work repeatedly by my students, my friends and myself. Nothing is speculative. This is partially why it is called The Tao of Dating. Tao (pronounced dao) is a Chinese word roughly translated as 'the way.' The idea is that there is a way that things unfold naturally in the universe. Water flows downhill. Trees grow upwards. Stars shine outwards. If you align yourself with this Tao, this way, then the universe aids you on your journey. Swimming downstream is easier than swimming upstream - that's just the way things work. Similarly, there are ways things work in your dealings with women. Science and wisdom have given us hints as to what these ways are. Some of these ways are counterintuitive and paradoxical (e.g. people like you better when you have them do favors for you, not the other way around -see Chapter 8). Some of them are utterly obvious yet elude notice. All of them are worth implementing consciously and actively. The Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu, or The Book of the Way, is a profound book embodying that counterintuitive mode of working with the world: When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. Its enduring relevance over the past 2500 years is testimony to the power of its precepts. Relevant quotes from that book are interweaved into the text to illuminate concepts further.
Some of you will find The Tao of Dating highly applicable to where you are and where you want to be, and some perhaps less so. I have been through 21 years of formal education, attended countless lectures and gone through thousands of books in my lifetime. It's safe to say that I have not used 100% of everything that I have learned. But I still seek out new sources of information, sit through weekend-long seminars and sift through new books. The way I think about it is that even if I get one new idea, one mental shift to see something in a new way, one re-iteration of a key concept that I had forgotten, one new application of a concept, then that book or lecture or seminar has been worthwhile. I urge you to look at any learning experience in that way. One spark is sometimes all it takes to start a raging fire, and I hope that you will find many sparks in the time you spend with this book. I would like to congratulate you on making the decision to bring the Tao into your life today. When you allow it, you will find that it will empower you and change your life in ways you had not imagined before.
The Tao of Dating is organized around three overarching themes. We will go over each one in detail in the book, but I want to prime your mind so you play closer attention each time they appear:
• The first is wealth-consciousness, or the mindset of abundance. There is enough of everything to go around for everyone.
• The second is the Be-Do-Have mentality, which relates to Napoleon Hill's famous saying from Think and Grow Rich: "Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve."
• The third is enlightened self-interest, which is about acting with integrity.
The purpose of The Tao of Dating is not just to give you some tricks and hints for you to scrape by on, but rather to turn you into the most effective, powerful version of you possible. As such, this book is equal parts about transformation as it is about information. In order to effect that transformation, you have to apply the principles in your book to your life. To facilitate that, there are 18 exercises. Now if you're like most people, your tendency will be to skip those exercises and go straight to the juicy parts about tips and tricks. And I recommend that you do exactly that. Skim the book once from beginning to end. Then go back and do the exercises. That is where the transformation occurs (and where some of the tips and tricks are hidden in the first place).
The Tao of Dating contains a lot of information. If you attempt to remember and try out every idea at once, you will get overwhelmed. That is why the book is organized in a linear fashion. Start from the beginning, from the work that you will do on the inside on values, beliefs, attitudes and what you want. Once you have that mastered, move on to the section on how to find desirable women. Progress stepwise to meeting, attracting, and perpetuating. Think of it as baking bread. If you've never done it before, you start by thinking about a recipe. You then sequentially go through each step of making the bread: go to store, buy ingredients, mix them, make dough, bake, eat. If you try to do everything at once, you're more likely to end up with a mess in the kitchen than an edible loaf of bread. But if you go sequentially, at every step of the way you just have to remember what the next step is. As Lao Tzu says, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Go easy, and good fortune.
The exercises require time, effort and introspection. Commit the time to do them -they may be the most rewarding part of this book. You have taken the first step in commitment by getting this book for yourself. You have taken the second step by reading this far. Congratulations on that. You will take more steps by answering questions that are difficult to answer or have never been posed to you before.
One of my teachers once said, "The easy road leads to the hard life; the hard road leads to the easy life." This book is an embodiment of that precept. If you are willing to put in the time and energy to build a more powerful and effective you, then you will repeatedly reap its benefits throughout the years with little additional effort, just as a fruit tree, once planted and tended to, will continue to bear fruit with little additional attention. Decide to plant that tree now. At the same time, Rome wasn't built in a day, and you're probably not going to read and internalize this book in one sitting. Do a little bit at a time, perhaps one exercise a day, and watch your life change.
I'm very interested in your comments, ideas, thoughts and feedback about this book, so do me a favor and drop a line sometime. If you have nice things to say, I'd like to hear that, too. Just put 'testimonial' in the subject line of your email, and I'll send you a special gift as a token of my appreciation. You can write to me personally at:
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