Communication is essential when sleeping with a woman. She needs to feel as though she is being cared for, and it's your obligation to fulfill that need. Yes, this means you have to talk to her.

Now, most men don't feel comfortable talking to women about sex. They usually feel that doing is enough, and they have the doing part taken care of. The reality here is that a woman is going to be more turned on by your ability to communicate about her pleasure than by most of the things you will actually perform for her physically. The key to a woman's sex drive lies in her brain.

The essential part of communications in sex is to make it relaxed and genuine. You're asking questions to find out what she wants/doesn't want, and that takes a measured amount of restraint on your part. You absolutely should avoid using any gutter language. When you talk about sex, women like it best when body parts are referred to in non-vulgar terms. In fact, if you can think in terms of poetry, I highly recommend you use that angle.

Let's compare, which do you think sounds better whispered in her ear:

o "I feel like banging you harder than a stick of dynamite, you wench ..." or o "It's so hot and intense next to you, like an electric charge..."

The difference here is what one calls "dirty" versus "erotic," and erotic is what she wants to hear when it comes to talking about having sex. Women need to have the romance and mystery even when it comes down to the Dirty Deed itself.

If you frame it correctly, a woman will do almost anything in bed with you if you can make her feel sexy and valued enough in the process.

So, how do you talk about sex with her? That's probably foremost on your mind, since guys aren't as far along on the communication path as most women are. When communicating your needs, or your questions, or anything else to a woman, always remember:

o Never accuse or make her feel like she's doing anything wrong, even if she is. It's a long way to go from feeling humiliated to performing for you again. Try to state it in "I feel" terms, so that it's immediately implied that this is your perception. Never say, "You aren't doing this very well. Have you ever read any good books on giving head?"

o Never demand. Just politely and nicely state what it is you desire. If she doesn't give it to you, chances are she can't give it, so move on. You can't pester her to be the way you want her to be. Never say, "C'mon, turn over right now, so I can do you from behind." Try, "Oh, baby, I'd like to hold you from behind and kiss the back of your neck while I'm inside you." That will get you much more progress in the long run.

o Never beg or ask for more sex from a woman than she is giving you willingly. If you are in a position where she does not initiate but she eventually warms up to sex, that's fine. But if you initiate and are turned down or denied a large portion of the time, then you've got a larger problem here. In many cases it's only that you are not giving her enough reinforcement and meeting her preliminary needs for her to feel comfortable with sex.

o Stay out of her past. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. I know this will be too tempting for a lot of guys, but how many men out there, knowing that they are jealous of a woman's past sexual experience, will ask her all sorts of questions about what she's done before, then get pissy and distant when she finally tells him?

Him: "Hey, have you ever been with two guys?" Winking and nudging.

Her: "Well ... once, but it was a wild party."

Him: "WHAT?? You dirty little whore!"

It's a perverse self-torture when we do this, and it's seated in a lack of self-confidence. On one hand, you want her to be experienced enough to pleasure you; on the other, you don't want her to have slept with a lot of men to have gotten that experience. Focus on the present, because that's all you can control. The past is done.

o No means no. This kind of "No" is often accompanied by at least a physical demonstration (she pulls your hand away, pushes you away, etc.) or an obvious change in her mood to something serious. The confusion comes when a woman is really saying "No, not yet." This means that she's not hot enough for you, and you need to step back into foreplay to try again. If you're ever in doubt about a woman's willingness, back off. You don't want to run a risk of going to jail and spending some quality time with a cross-dressing freak named Luther who wants to make you his romantic cellmate.

If, in the course of sexual contact, you sense that something is not going well (and we men can usually sense this, but often we choose to overlook our instincts), you owe it to her to check in and find out what is going on. You can just ask nicely: "Is this okay?" Be very careful to not overdo this, though. Most Nice guys will check in way too much, and nothing puts a cramp in sexual flow than being checked in on every couple minutes. You just want to establish that she's not in any physical discomfort, or find out if she's starting to weird out on you.

Stay in communication with her and you'll be able to avoid most problems before they arise. The more experience you gain with women, the more you'll also be able to interpret and read between the lines, as well as read her body language during sex. Every woman is different in this respect, and that's what makes it interesting every time you jump in the game.


Skills in sex come with knowledge and experience. They also come from mistakes, like any other part of dating or interacting with women, so don't come down too hard on yourself when you make an error. Your skills are the techniques you use in giving her pleasure. Skills in sex also include the techniques you use to avoid problems, as well, and I'll point out a few of those.

Here are some general skills you should have in bed for her to appreciate your sexual ability:

o Knowledge and appreciation of her body: Every woman is different, and every woman has different erogenous zones. Much of the fundamentals, however, are very similar. Get a good book on female sexuality and really study it. Porno movies will never tell you how to turn a woman on.

o Every woman wants foreplay. Draw it out and take your time. Touching her lightly all over her body will only make her want you more. Use a teasing touch, and stay away from her genitals for as long as you possibly can.

o A woman wants cunnilingus. (More later.)

o A woman wants clitoral stimulation - eventually. Not the instant you get into bed. Start with foreplay, to the point where she is almost pulling your hand to her crotch. Your hand works like a flock of circling eagles, moving in on the target, zooming around, but not quite going in for the kill. Eventually, you get your finger(s) lubricated, and then make slow circles on her clit. She needs manual stimulation not just slamming your genitalia together in order to get off. Her clitoris is always small at first, and as it becomes aroused it will stand out like a little button. Vary your pressure and rhythm on her clit, and don't go too fast. She will usually give you all the feedback you need with her moaning and her breathing.

o A woman wants eye contact and presence - She wants to know she's not just another hole you're looking to fill. She wants to be appreciated here, in the moment, and if you don't look at her and smile on occasion, you'll give her the impression you've left the planet and are screwing a fantasy woman, not her.

o Relaxed, no rush atmosphere: Too many guys jump into the "Gotta get it while I can" mode when they get the green light for sex. The thinking here is that you need to get it before she changes her mind. Slow down! Take your time. If you please her well enough, there's almost no way she'll stop you or change her mind. In fact, if you can ease into it at the right pace, you'll ensure that she sticks around for more than one inning. Batter up!

o Planned and prepared: Have condoms. Any guy who thinks he can (or should) engage in sex without protection is flirting with a possible pregnancy, disease, and even death. Sure, it feels a lot better without a layer of latex between you, but you must sacrifice the added pleasure for your health. Condoms are not an option anymore. Keep them placed within reach.

o Giving: Women are very concerned about your ability to please them (probably because so few men know about where and how to touch them.) This anxiety appears very prominently when you first go to bed with her. Something I've found very interesting over the years: The best way to handle your first encounter with a woman is to ensure that she gets her orgasm first Go down on her or have her guide your hand in the best way to give her stimulation (requiring some of those communication skills we discussed earlier.) After she's hit Cloud 9, you can then take as long or as short as you like, and she's a lot more grateful.

o Awareness: You should always be aware and present enough during sex that you aren't missing clues on your performance. Don't ignore indications that you might need to alter your approach. If she starts to tense up, or she goes quiet, you need to be paying attention. A good lover to a woman is not just ruthlessly thrusting away at her until he comes. He has to be sensitive to the feedback he gets along the way.

o No anger or violence: The biggest fear a woman has is that she will be physically harmed by a man. Allowing you to enter her body is a high statement of her trust. If she is in enough lust, she will override that trust mechanism, but it only lasts for a little while. While you are in bed, you must avoid any angry or temperamental acts that would cause her to doubt your safe-ness. If you spook her, your seduction is over. It could take you hours to recover from this setback.

o Temperance: Also keep in mind that she doesn't want to go through every position in your first night together. You want to demonstrate you have a firm grip on the basics before you go catapulting into complex body-twisting positions that would make a Chinese acrobat wince. Don't presume you're going to get a "69" on your first time with her, though it could happen if she's very open and trusting in bed. You just need to spend your time attending to her needs. I have yet to find a woman that won't branch out and explore if she's been made comfortable from the start.

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