The Wise Are Instructed By Reason, The Ordinary Mind By Experience, The Stupid by Necessity, and the Brute by Instinct"
Class begins with an aptitude test. Here are two typical examples of two completely different guys, who never met each other, on two different nights at the bar. Read their stories and then follow the directions at the end of the chapter.
EXAMPLE NUMBER 1:
A man walks into a bar, sees a couple of attractive women, goes over, and sits next to them. "Can I buy you both a drink?" he asks. They stop talking to each other, look at him, look at each other, shrug their shoulders and say, "Sure." He looks at the bartender, who is a few feet away, making someone else's drinks, and says, "Give them what they want. I'll take a Jack Daniels and coke." The bartender looks at him, looks at the two women, then back to him, and nods. He finishes making the drinks he was working on, while the man settles himself in the chair next to the two women. "My name's Jack, what's yours?" They both look at him. "I'm Brenda, this is Sue." "Hi," Sue says. "Hi" replies Jack.
At this point, the bartender walks over and says to Jack, "You wanted a Jack and coke?" Jack nods. "And you gals, do you want to have two more of what you were drinking?" "No," says Brenda, "I'd like to switch to a Pina Colada." "And I'll have a Brandy Alexander made with Christian Brothers Brandy," says Sue. The bartender looks at the two women, smiles to himself, and makes the drinks. Jack pulls out a pack of cigarettes, takes one out, lights it with an expensive lighter! and puts the pack and lighter on top of the bar. He sees Sue is smoking, her cigarette lit, in the ashtray. Brenda isn't smoking.
"You come in here often?" asks Jack, trying to get td know them. They look at each other again, briefly, and theri look back at Jack. "Sometimes. Usually on the weekends." "Oh, I try to come in during the week," says Jack. At that point, the bartender comes over with the three drinks, putfc down three cocktail napkins and puts the drinks on top of them. The bartender stands there waiting to get paid. Jack just looks at him, wondering what he wants. "Could I collect for the drinks?" he asks nicely.
"Oh sure," says Jack, snapping back to reality. He takes out his wallet, pulls out a $50 bill and hands it to the bartender. As the bartender takes the money, Jack holds onto it. The bartender looks at Jack, who smiles warmly and says, "What is your name, anyway?" "Bryan." "Hi, Bryan, I'm Jack. That's ja $50," he says, releasing the bill. "I noticed," says Bryan, walkirig away. The women laugh, Jack laughs. Jack turns to the women. "I just wanted to make sure he was on his toes," he says warmly. They giggle and sip their drinks.
"How do you like them?" asks Jack. "They're great," they both agree. "Glad you like them," replies Jack. Bryan comes back with Jack's change and puts it on the bar. "I didn't me$n to hold onto the bill," says Jack, "but I wanted to find out your name instead of yelling, 'hey, you' when I needed you."
"By the way, could I have a couple of dollars worth of quarters for the juke box?" he asks warmly. "Sure." As Bryan goes, Jack turns to the two women and says, ftThis guy Bryan is a nice guy." "Yeah, he is pretty nice," they agree. Bryan comes back with the quarters and puts them on the bar as Jack looks at his change, puzzled. "Hey, how much were these drinks?" he asks, curious, but still friendly. "Well, the Jack and coke is $3.50, the Christian Brothers' Alexander is $5.00, and the Pina Colada is $5.50; that's, ah, $14.00. Plus $2.00 in quarters is $16, four singles is $20, a ten and another $20 is $50. Okay?"
"Oh, yeah, sure," says Jack, surprised it came to so much. "No problem. I was just curious."
"Positive," he says, covering. "By the way, they like your drinks," says Jack. "Glad to hear it," says Bryan, "How's your drink?" "Mine's great too, thanks." "Good," says Bryan, and he goes to the other end of the bar to serve another customer.
Sue's cigarette is out, so she reaches for another. Jack quickly picks up his pack and offers her one of his, which she takes, smiling a little embarrassed smile. Jack picks up his lighter and lights her cigarette. 'There you go," he says. 'Thanks." "How do you like this lighter?" he asks, "I got it in St. Louis last week." Sue holds it, "It's a nice lighter. It looks kind of expensive though. I'd hate to lose it or I'd feel guilty."
Jack laughs. "Nah, it was only eighty dollars. They had some lighters there for $500." "Kind of an expensive way to light a cigarette," says Sue, friendly and impressed. "That's why I bought the one for $80. $80 for a lighter of this quality isn't bad, but if I got the one for $500 - and I could have - and I
lost it, I would feel guilty." He laughs. The women look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and laugh with him. "Heyi, how about another drink?" he asks. "Great." "Hey, Bryan," Jack says, signaling the bartender with his arm.
Bryan, chatting with a customer, comes over. "What's up?" asks Bryan. "Another round," says Jack, pointing at this empty glasses.
"Could I have mine with Myers' Rum this time?" asks Brenda innocently, looking at Bryan. Bryan looks questioningly at Jack. "Oh, sure. Yeah, no problem. What the hell, it's only money. Let her have it," says Jack.
"Okay, so we have a Jack & Coke, a Pina Colada with Myers Rum, and a Christian Brothers' Brandy Alexander, right?" "Right," says Jack, "and make mine a double. The last one wasn't that strong." "You got it," says Bryan, and walks away. Jack turns to the women. "What kind of music do you like?"
"All kinds," says Brenda. "Me, too," adds Sue. "Where's the juke box?" says Jack. "Over there against the wall," says Brenda, finishing her Pina Colada. "When Bryan gets back with our drinks, let's go play some tunes." "How long were you in St. Louis?" asks Sue. "Only for the weekend. I was visiting some friends," replies Jack. "Oh," says Sue. Bryan comes over with their fresh drinks. "Here we are," says Bryan, taking the old drinks away, and putting the new ones down on top of fresh napkins. Then, he empties both ashtrays. "Should I just take it out of here?" Bryan politely asks Jack.
"Yeah. How much is it?" asks Jack.
"Double Jack & Coke, $7.00, $5.00 for the Alexander .."Christian Brothers, right?" asks Sue. "Right," smiles Bryan, friendly, "and $6.50 for the Pina Colada." "But it was $5.50 last time," adds Jack.
"Right, but this time we used Myers Rum, right?" "Yeah." "So it's an extra dollar, right?" "If you say so," replies Jack, satisfied. "So it's $18.50 altogether," says Bryan, gently picking up a $20.00 bill. "Okay," says Jack, motioning to his money. "Oh, we're going to play some music, so would you put my change on the other side of the bar, so no one takes it, and watch our seats?" asks Jack of Bryan.
"No problem," says Bryan, obliging. They leave their drinks on the bar. Bryan takes Jack's change, his cigarettes, and his lighter, and puts them on the other side of the bar, out of the other customers' reach. Jack has taken all the quarters and gone over to the juke box with Brenda and Sue.
At the juke box, Jack sees each selection is $.25, but if you put in a dollar, you get an extra play free. So he sticks all eight quarters in, and gets 10 selections instead of the 8 he would have gotten had he done one quarter at a time. He picks three songs, Sue picks three songs and Brenda picks three songs. There's one left. "You pick it, Brenda" Jack says, because Brenda is the one he's decided he's interested in. She does, pleased she got the extra record. Jack, not wanting to play favorites openly, says "Next time, you get the extra one, Sue." They go back to their seats. As they sit, Biyan returns Jack's change, cigarettes and lighter to him. A flower girl walks into the bar, selling roses. Jack sees her and signals her over. She comes, smiling.
"How much are they?" "$4.00 each, sir," she says, sweetly. Til take two." Jack picks up his $10.00 bill, hands it to her, gets his two roses and tells her to keep the change. He proceeds to give one rose to Sue and one rose to Brenda. He'S pleased he's giving Brenda the last rose, because that's his secret way of telling her she's the one he wants, because he's saved the "best for last." Sue will never know, he thinks, because he's given her the first rose, and she will surely think that's more important. So he's covered himself all the wajy around.
Both Sue and Brenda look at each other, then at Jack, Jack smiles, and Brenda and Sue both smile warmly back at him. One of Jack's records comes on on the juke box.
"Hey, I played this," he says, tapping a tune out on the bar top, quietly singing the melody. When the important lines of the song come on, he looks at both of them, leans toward them, and sings the lines to them. Both women giggle and finish their drinks. Jack follows suit and finishes his. He calk Bryan over and orders another round. "Same thing all the way," motions Jack at all the glasses.
"Coming right up," says Bryan.
"You know who you look like, Sue?" asks Jack. "Who?" asks Sue, perked-up and curious. "Jane Fonda." Sue looks at Brenda, who says nothing, so she looks back at Jack. "I do?" "Yeah, you look a lot like her." "I don't think so at all," replies Sue. "You do, and that's a big compliment. I like Jane Fonda a lot. She's a great actress. She did an incredible job in 'Out of Africa' with Robert Redford."
"I thought that was Meryl Streep," says Sue.
"Oh, she's a good actress, too. But you look more like Jane Fonda. She's a lot sexier than Meryl Streep. But both are good actresses."
"Thanks," says Sue.
"Brenda, you look like a Bo Derek type to me," says Jack, being careful to say Brenda looks like a super sex symbol compared to Sue. At that point, Bryan comes over with their third round of drinks. He takes the old glasses and napkins away, puts down fresh napkins, drinks on top, empties the ashtrays and smiles. Jack smiles back.
"Oh, yeah." Jack pulls out his wallet, gives Bryan a $20, and turns back to the women, who were momentarily whispering to each other. "Anyway," he says to Brenda, "you look just like Bo Derek."
"Why do you say that?" asks Brenda, curious.
"She's so sexy," he replies. "Oh," says Brenda, neutral. Bryan returns with Jack's change, puts it on the bar as Jack watches, and leaves. He takes a long sip of his drink. "Where was I? Oh, yeah. You have Bo Derek's sexy sensuality. It drives guys nuts." He looks at her. She blushes.
"But she's not a very good actress," says Brenda, honestly.
"Oh, who cares about that. She's such a knockout nobody cares. She could stand up on that screen and do nothing, and guys would still pay to see her."
"Well, thanks. But I don't like her very much. I realize you mean it as a compliment, though, and I appreciate it."
Jack gently grabs her arm. "Oh, it's a hig compliment. I couldn't give you a bigger compliment. I know she's not too intelligent. You're not like her in thai sense, just physically. That's all. That's the only way I meant it. Please don't be offended."
"I'm not," she says, taking a sip on her drink. Sue whispers to Brenda. Brenda looks at her watch and nods her head. Both Sue and Brenda start to pick up their purses. "Is something wrong?" asks Jack, genuinely puzzled. Sue stops. Brenda turns to Jack and smiles warmly. "Oh, not at all. We both have to work tomorrow, and we have a long drive home."
"Where do you live?"
"But that's 40 miles away!"
"We know. That's why we have to go. We were going to go after the last drink, but we were having such a fun time with you we decided to stay a little longer."
"You drove all the way up here from Seal Beach? Just to come in here?" Jack is really confused now.
"Oh, no. We drove up to spend the weekend with my mom. When we're up in this part of town this is one of the bars we like to come into, because we always meet someone nice like yourself. Anyway, it was nice meeting you."
"But... I just bought you a bunch of drinks." Brenda and Sue, now standing, just look at each other, shrug their shoulders, look back at Jack, and Brenda says, "So what?"
The women start to go.
"Well . . . can I walk you to your car?" "No, thank you," Brenda says politely, and they start to walk. Jack gently grabs Brenda's arm, stopping her. "... But..."
"Why do you guys always act so nice and then when we have to leave, you behave like such JERKS?" asks Brenda.
Bryan walks over and says, "Is everything OK?"
"Everything is fine, Bryan," says Brenda. "Kindly tell Jack," she continues, "that we don't need an escort to our car."
"You heard her, Jack. Let her go," says Bryan, politely but firmly. The doorman walks over, and asks Bryan, "You doing OK?" "Yeah, fine, Steve. Would you take a moment and walk them to their car?" "Sure thing." Bryan turns to Brenda and Sue. 'This is Steve, our doorman. He'll take you to your car."
'Thanks, Bryan. We'll see you next time we come up." They smile at Bryan, Bryan smiles back. Jack isn't doing much smiling at all at this point. Steve, Brenda and Sue leave together, and Jack is dumbfounded. Bryan smiles politely at Jack, and then walks to the other end of the bar. Jack sits down, in shock, and downs the rest of his drink. He looks over to where Brenda and Sue were sitting and sees they both left their roses, and their drinks are only partly gone. He picks up each drink and takes a sip, not liking either one. Bryan has come back in the meantime.
"What is this crap?" Jack demands to know, looking at the drinks he's just tasted. 'That one's a Christian Brothers Alexander, and this one's a Pina Colada made with Myers Rum. Not bad, huh?" "They taste like shit," says Jack, disgusted.
"Well, you should know," says Bryan, politely and sincerely, without a trace of sarcasm. "Pretty nice ladies, huh?"
"They were pigs. They just used me. Why does this always happen? Why do I always get stuck with the users . .. Let me have a straight shot of Jack Daniels."
Bryan pours him a shot. Jack looks at the guy sitting next to him, who is half drunk. "What a couple of pigs they were, weren't they? You know what I bet... I bet they were a couple of dykes. Yeah, that's what they were, just a couple of dykes." He downs his shot of Jack Daniels, and puts the shot glass on top of the bar in finality.
"I kinda liked the one who looked like Meryl Streep,"
adds the drunk, in earnest.
"Fonda, you asshole. Jane Fonda. Not Meryl Streep."
Jack picks up his change, and walks out.
The next weekend, Brenda and Sue come in again. It's only around 8:00 p.m., so the bar isn't that busy yet. The Saturday night crowd has yet to show up. Bryan goes over to serve them.
"Well, hi. You two look familiar."
"Hi. How are you?" they ask, genuinely warm and friendly.
"What would you like?"
"I'll have a Chablis," says Sue. Brenda asks for a gin and tonic tall. Bryan returns and places the drinks on the bar, with cocktail napkins under the glasses. He puts a clean ash tray next to Sue, because she's put her cigarettes on the bar. Not seeing any matches, Bryan puts a fresh pack of matches on top of her cigarettes. Sue smiles. Bryan smiles back, friendly, but not sexual.
"So what have you two been up to all week?" asks Bryan.
"Just working," says Sue. "Me too," replies Brenda.
"Well, it's good to see you both again . . . whatever happened with that guy last week that was hitting on you?"
"He sure was," says Brenda. "All he wanted was some action for the night. We're not like that. I live with my boyfriend in Seal Beach, and I wouldn't cheat on him behind his back."
"I go out with a couple of guys," says Sue, "but I'd never go out with a guy like him. He was so SLEAZY. He had a real bad attitude problem. I could tell the first time I looked at his his eyes. What a SLEAZEBAG!" She looks around. "He's not here tonight, thank God. Enough about him. How are you doing? By the way, my name's Sue. I didn't really meet you last week," she says, extending her hand.
"I'm Bryan. It's nice meeting you . . . " (turning to Brenda) "and you are . . .?"
"Hi. I'm Bryan. Well, I just want to you to know that when you're in here, if anybody bothers you, I'll come over and take him away from you."
The two women smile. "Thanks. We know. We watched you come right over last week and help us out. It made us feel safe in here. Thanks."
"No problem. To answer your question, I'm doing fine. It's quiet so far tonight, but it's still early. Last night was busy, so I'm a little tired tonight."
"I hope they're not too rough on you," Sue teased. "Me, too. Excuse me a minute." Bryan goes to the other end of the bar to refill someone's drink. Brenda and Sue chat with each other for awhile. Bryan comes over to see if they'd like another drink.
"Not tonight. We're only having one. We just wanted to thank you for helping us out last week," says Sue as she puts a $2.00 tip on the bar for Bryan.
"You're welcome, and thanks." They leave.
—AND IT GOES FROM BAD TO WORSE
Later that night, around midnight, our hero, Jack, wanders into the bar and sees an attractive woman sitting in the corner of the bar, a stool open next to her. He immediately goes over and sits in it. "Can I buy you a drink?" asks Jack,
She looks at him, studying him a moment. Jack pulls out his cigarettes and expensive lighter as he asks her. She sees the lighter.
"You must be Jack," she says, amused.
"Why, yes, I am. Have we met before?" he asks, excited that this might be an easy one.
"What do you mean?" asks Jack, bewildered. i
"Brenda and Sue, the two women you tried to pick up last week, are good friends of mine. I talk with them all the time. When I told them I come in here, they warned me about you, and told me what an asshole you are."
Jack, for the moment, is completely speechless. Bryan comes over to serve Jack. The woman looks at Bryan.
"Bryan, would you get rid of this clown. He's a pain in the ass and he's bothering me."
Bryan looks at Jack and says, "Goodnight."
Jack looks at Bryan, then at the woman, then back to Bryan. Bryan is calm, relaxed, and in complete control. He's looking Jack straight in the eye.
"But I haven't done anything. I'm not bothering anyone," argues Jack.
"You're bothering me," says Bryan, deadpan, "and that means it's time to go."
Jack is losing ground fast. He picks up his lighter and cigarettes and puts them in his pocket. He didn't come here to get beaten up by the door man. He backs his chair up, and says, "There's plenty of other bars in this town for me to drink in. I don't need a cheap dive like this one."
"I'm glad you realize that. The next time you think about coming in here for a drink, I want you to remember what you just said, and then go drink somewhere else, because I'll never serve you again. You got that?"
As Jack leaves, he just has to get the last word in, so he gives Bryan the finger and says, "Fuck you. Fuck all of you," and runs out. Bryan looks at the woman and apologizes. She smiles, blows him a kiss, and says "Thanks."
Hxample Number Two:
A slow night, 17 stools at the bar, 9 people at the bait i and at the booths. A guy walks in and sees a cute gal sitting \ at the bar, alone. There are two empty seats on the left side of her, one empty seat on the right side of her. He sits down next to her on the left. She's smoking a cigarette and has a | pack of cigarettes sitting on top of the bar, matches next to it. The bartender comes over, friendly.
The bartender gets it, comes back and puts it down on top of the cocktail napkin he's just placed down. The guy takes out his wallet and pulls out $2.00, handing it to the bartender, who rings up the drink, and returns his quarter in change to yhim. The guy slides off the bar stool, and drops the quarter into the juke box. He presses his selection, and returns to the bar. The gal is reading a letter. He looks at her, takes a sip Of beer, and asks, "Can I have a cigarette?" She glances at him, then moves her cigarettes over to him so he can select one. She casually goes back to her letter. He picks up her matches and lights the cigarette, putting the matches back where they were.
He draws on the cigarette and exhales. "These aye pretty good. I haven't tried them before."
She looks up at him a moment, searching his eyes.
"Hi, Bill," she says casually. There's a pause. "What's your name," he finally asks. "Linda." "Hi, Linda."
Bill's record comes up on the juke box. "I love this record," he says, and starts to move with the rhythm of the beat, a smile on his face. Linda goes back to her letter.
Bill, continuing to be genuinely warm and friendly, asks "Have you seen the music video of this record?"
She looks up at him and says "Not yet."
"It's really good. They've got a lot of special effects in it. I wonder how they do them."
She is still looking at him casually and she shrugs her shoulders.
"You don't talk very much, do you?"
"Sometimes," she says, not unfriendly.
"Are you from around here?" he asks.
"Oh. I'm from New York. Flushing. You know, where they have Shea stadium. That's where the Mets play baseball." Linda nods. "I used to go to a game there every week with my dad when I was in high school. You like baseball?"
"I'm not really into sports," Linda says.
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but you don't look very happy," says Bill.
"I've had better days," says Linda.
"I had a fight with my mom."
"I know what you mean. After my parents got divorced when I was a kid, all my mom and I did was fight. She threw me out of the house a couple of times because I got so hard to deal with. I'd go stay with my dad on weekends and we'd gp watch the Mets play baseball. My dad and I are really close. Is your dad still around?"
"That's too bad. I haven't talked with my mom for awhile but at least I'm on speaking terms with her. My two brothers get along with her great. I guess they don't see my parents' divorce too realistically, so they just assume everything mom says about the divorce is true. After I listened to Dad's side, I realized the truth must be somewhere in-between."
He finishes his beer. "If I buy you a drink, can I have another cigarette?"
She looks at her glass, at her cigarettes, shrugs her shoulders and says "Sure," matter-of-factly. He signals the bartender over, "Two more." The bartender makes them. Bill pulls out just enough to cover the costs and puts the change in his pocket. He picks up his drink and says "cheers." She lifts her glass, they tap glasses at Bill's insistence, and both take a sip. Bill puts his beer down and lifts her cigarettes and matches from the bar, offering her one first. She declines. He takes one, lights it, and puts them back on the bar in between them, instead of next to her drink, where they originally were. She glances at the new position, noticing it, but says nothing.
"I came out here to go to college," says Bill. "I went to U.S.C. for awhile. Why'd you come out here?"
"I wanted a change," Linda says.
"So did I. I was fed-up with all the family fights. I came to California because it was as far away as I could get from everyone and everything I knew. One thing I like about heiie is you don't have to shovel winter off your driveway." He takes a sip from his beer. "When I was at U.S.C., I thought life would start to come together. I was an English major. I wanted to become an English teacher. Shakespeare was my hero. At U.S.C. I read some stuff where they think he was a fag. They also have some evidence that suggests he may not have written any of the stuff he's gotten credit for. The only document they have that he's ever written is his will. And part of that is forged. Shakespeare never went to school, or had something like a 3rd grade education, and he was supposed to write stuff like King Lear. It really shattered my illusions. I got into drugs in college, too. Have you ever done drugs?"
"A few times. I'm not really into them."
"Boy, I know what you mean. I did them for a few years before I finally stopped. How come you stopped?"
"The 3 day depression that came after the 4 hour high wasn't worth it to me."
"I never looked at it that way, but I guess that's what made me quit, too. I just started getting depressed all the time. I had a few friends who overdosed and that's when I finally said "enough."
He picks up her pack of cigarettes, takes one, lights it and takes a deep drag from it, blowing out the smoke. She watches him do this with just a trace of a smile on her face.
"I got involved in a rock group a year ago and they were all heavy into drugs," he says, "so it was either take 'em or get out of the group. So I left the group. They never went anywhere anyway." He looks at his watch. "I gotta get out of here in a few minutes, I didn't realize it was getting so late. I
just stopped in for a beer or two to pass some time. Do yo^i come here often?"
"Yeah, a few times a week," she says, honestly.
"Well, I've really enjoyed talking to you. Would you likfc to get together sometime?"
"Well, thanks, but I live with my boyfriend."
"It's okay. I take it as a compliment."
'That's what it's meant to be. Take care."
"You too," she says, nicely.
Two nights later, Linda is back in the bar nursing ft drink. A guy comes in, sits next to her, and talks with her. An hour later he gets up and leaves with her phone number in his pocket and a date with her this coming Friday night.
Class ends for the day. Your homework assignment is to make two lists: one of everything Jack, in my first example, did right and one of everything Jack did wrong. Then I wartt you to do the same thing with Bill, who was in my second example: a list of everything he did right, and a list of everything he did wrong. Then, with the example on Bill, I want you to see if you can figure out why the second guy, who tried to pick up Linda two nights later, succeeded. Believe it or not the answer is there, somewhere in the story. Someone who has a lot of experience meeting women should be able ^o pick it up right away. If you can't find it, don't despair. By the time you finish this book you should be able to spot it easify, too.
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