Flirting

Learn to:

• Improve your self-confidence and get noticed

■ Find out if someone is interested in you

• Develop rapport and make sparkling conversation

■ Understand body language and give out the right signals

Learn to:

• Improve your self-confidence and get noticed

■ Find out if someone is interested in you

• Develop rapport and make sparkling conversation

■ Understand body language and give out the right signals

Elizabeth Clark

The 'Flirt Guru'- flirting and charisma expert

Flirting

by Elizabeth Clark

John Wiley & Sons, Ltd

Flirting For Dummies®

Published by

John Wiley & Sons, Ltd

The Atrium Southern Gate Chichester West Sussex PO19 8SQ England

E-mail (for orders and customer service enquires): [email protected] Visit our Home Page on www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2009 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex, England Published by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex

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British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN: 978-0-470-74259-4

Printed and bound in Great Britain by TJ International, Padstow, Cornwall 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

About the Author

Elizabeth Clark, a.k.a 'the Flirt Guru', is an international speaker, broadcaster, author, and trainer. She is the UK's leading expert on flirting and charisma in business and the author of both Flirt Guru and Single to Settled.

Elizabeth is a member of the Professional Speakers Association, holds MCIPD and BPS qualifications, and possesses over 10 years of human resources management experience with FTSE-listed companies. Whilst there are no formal qualifications required to be a 'flirting expert', Elizabeth professes to have a lifetime of practical application behind her!

As the founder of Rapport Unlimited and www.flirtguru.com (in 2002), Elizabeth has engaged with tens of thousands of people around the globe from FTSE-listed clients. She provides corporate training and carries out speaking work, teaching flirting skills from persuasive presentation to charismatic networking. In doing so, Elizabeth has proved that skills used in flirting, for business or pleasure, are inextricably linked, and that flirting isn't just for dummies!

Elizabeth's cross-demographic appeal sees her feature in everything from The Times to Grazia. She appears regularly on radio and TV, from BBC1 to Living.

For more information on Elizabeth's work and for more flirting tips, visit her websites at www.rapportunlimited.co.uk and www.flirtguru.com, or contact her directly at [email protected] unlimited.co.uk.

Dedication

To Calum, Lucy, and Glyn - my superstars.

Author's Acknowledgements

The For Dummies series isn't a global phenomenon by accident, and I'd like to thank the raft of For Dummies editors who made this book possible.

What makes this book extra-special is the contribution of the models. Not only do they provide invaluable demonstrations, but they also add a touch of glamour to the book. I'd like to say a huge thanks to my best friend Patri Pennarocha and my gorgeous partner Glyn Powditch for their excellent modeling services, and to Bill Houston - our very patient, but brilliant photographer.

Thanks to my sister, Jo, for providing telephone stress relief, to all my clients for their support and encouragement whilst writing this book, and to my wonderful children, Calum and Lucy, who agreed to me writing another book, after I swore I wouldn't do another.

Publisher's Acknowledgements

We're proud of this book; please send us your comments through our Dummies online registration form located at www.dummies.com/register/.

Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:

Acquisitions, Editorial, and Media Development

Project Editor: Steve Edwards Development Editor: Tracy Barr Content Editor: Jo Theedom Commissioning Editor: Nicole Hermitage Publishing Assistant: Jennifer Prytherch Copy Editor: Kate O'Leary Proofreader: Helen Heyes Technical Editor: Elizabeth Kuhnke Executive Editor: Samantha Spickernell Executive Project Editor: Daniel Mersey Cover Photos: © Tetra Images/Getty Images Cartoons: Rich Tennant

(www.the5thwave.com)

Composition Services Project Coordinator: Lynsey Stanford Layout and Graphics: Reuben W. Davis Proofreaders: Caitie Copple, David Faust Indexer: Ty Koontz Special Help

Brand Reviewer: Jennifer Bingham

Publishing and Editorial for Consumer Dummies

Diane Graves Steele, Vice President and Publisher, Consumer Dummies

Joyce Pepple, Acquisitions Director, Consumer Dummies

Kristin A. Cocks, Product Development Director, Consumer Dummies

Michael Spring, Vice President and Publisher, Travel

Kelly Regan, Editorial Director, Travel

Publishing for Technology Dummies

Andy Cummings, Vice President and Publisher, Dummies Technology/ General User

Composition Services

Gerry Fahey, Vice President of Production Services

Debbie Stailey, Director of Composition Services

Contents at a Glance

Introduction 1

Part I: Getting to Grips with Flirting 7

Chapter 1: The Making of a Successful Flirt 9

Chapter 2: Identifying Your Flirting Style and

Making It More Effective 21

Chapter 3: Grasping the Gender Gap and

Other Strategies for Flirting Success 35

Chapter 4: Flirting with Friends, Dates, and Colleagues 45

Part II: Getting Noticed! Making Contact 57

Chapter 5: Boosting Self-Confidence and

Giving Yourself a Flirting Makeover 59

Chapter 6: Spotting Who's Available 77

Chapter 7: Making an Entrance 91

Chapter 8: Making Conversation with Absolutely Anybody 101

Chapter 9: Being Interesting and Interested 113

Part III: Developing Killer Rapport with Body Language 129

Chapter 10: Giving Off the Right Signals 131

Chapter 11: Letting Your Body Do the Talking 149

Chapter 12: Reading Secret Flirting Signals 177

Part IV: Taking the Next Step 185

Chapter 13: Making the Next Move 187

Chapter 14: Considering Dating Rules and Relationship Advice 199

Chapter 15: Reducing the Risk of Rejection 209

Part V: The Part of Tens 221

Chapter 16: Ten (Or So) Opening Lines for Almost Any Occasion 223

Chapter 17: Ten Flirting Gaffes 231

Chapter 18: (Almost) Ten Places where

Unwanted Admirers may Strike 237

Chapter 19: Ten Tips for Safe Flirting 243

Index 247

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

About This Book 2

Conventions Used in This Book 2

What You're Not to Read 2

Foolish Assumptions 3

How This Book Is Organised 3

Part I: Getting to Grips with Flirting 3

Part II: Getting Noticed! Making Contact 3

Part III: Developing Killer Rapport with Body Language 4

Part IV: Taking the Next Step 4

Part V: The Part of Tens 4

Icons Used in This Book 4

Where to Go From Here 5

Part I: Getting to Grips with Flirting 7

Chapter 1: The Making of a Successful Flirt 9

Flirting Fundamentals 9

Tuning animal instincts 10

Flirting: A game of two halves 11

Common flirting pitfalls 12

Getting in Tune with Body Language 12

Becoming a people watcher 13

Spotting key signals in other people 13

Looking at revealing behaviour 14

Getting Yourself in the Flirting Mindset 15

Setting your thinking 16

Banishing flirting baggage 17

Spotting daily opportunities 18

Chapter 2: Identifying Your Flirting Style and Making It More Effective 21

Understanding Your Flirting Style 21

The minesweeper 21

The life and soul of the party 22

The quietly confident person 22

The wallflower 22

Novice or a Pro? Gauging Your Flirting Acumen 22

Evaluating your confidence level 22

Evaluating your adaptability 23

Finding and Fixing the Flaws in Your Approach 24

Analysing what's holding you back 24

Looking at your motivation 26

Applying the 80:20 rule to improve your approach... 26

Influencing your subconscious 27

Changing Your Flirting Style 28

Emulating someone you admire 28

Making up for missed opportunities 30

Taking more risks 31

Setting yourself flirting challenges 31

Reading the flirting thermometer 32

Chapter 3: Grasping the Gender Gap and Other Strategies for Flirting Success 35

Looking at the Different Perceptions of Flirting 36

Where flirting starts and ends 36

What men and women find attractive 37

Considering Strategies for the Successful Flirt 40

Looking beyond Mr or Miss Perfect 40

Adopting the right flirting attitude 41

Recognising who's available or interested 42

Overcoming fear of rejection 42

Making flirting easy to spot 43

Using flattery 43

Chapter 4: Flirting with Friends, Dates, and Colleagues 45

Flirting with Friends 45

Friendly flirting 46

Flirting with intent: The signs 46

Moving from 'just friends' 47

Flirting with Dates 50

Making your intentions clear 50

Interpreting reactions and intentions 51

Flirting with Colleagues 52

Flirting with unemployment: Sexual harassment 52

Flirting boundaries at work 53

Taking flirting outside work 55

Part II: Getting Noticed! Making Contact 57

Chapter 5: Boosting Self-Confidence and Giving Yourself a Flirting Makeover 59

The DIY Flirting Makeover: Getting Started 59

Creating the image you want to project 60

Choosing the areas to focus on 60

Looking Ten Years Younger 62

Eyes 63

Smile 64

Skin 64

Hair 65

Scent 67

Clothes 68

Looking and Sounding Confident 70

Overcoming confidence killers 71

Using confident body language 72

Sounding confident 73

Making people listen 74

Making your voice sound attractive 74

Chapter 6: Spotting Who's Available 77

Knowing Where to Find Other Singletons 77

Looking for love in the office 77

Flirting in bars 78

Enjoying unexpected flirting situations 79

Flirting on the Internet 80

Telling Who's Available and Who's Interested 82

Assessing and tackling the stances people take 82

Spotting availability from afar 84

Knowing if they're interested 86

Letting an Ad or Agency Help You Connect 87

Scouring lonely hearts ads 87

Speed-dating for instant results 88

Looking at dating agencies 90

Chapter 7: Making an Entrance 91

Turning heads with body language 92

Navigating stairs 94

Positioning Yourself for Maximum Effect 95

Choosing power spots 96

Knowing when to move 97

Making the First Move 98

Using your eyebrows 98

Knowing when to speak 99

Using icebreakers 99

Chapter 8: Making Conversation with Absolutely Anybody 101

Understanding Conversational Conventions 101

Using opening lines 102

Making humour work 103

Avoiding mentioning the ex! 104

Diverting the conversation from contentious topics 104

Building Rapport 105

Honing the art of open questions 105

Picking a topic that they want to chat on 106

Preventing conversations from running dry 106

Gauging Your Listener's Response 107

Linguistic clues 108

Body language clues 109

Chapter 9: Being Interesting and Interested 113

Showing that You're Interested 113

Do your research 113

Follow convention 115

Listen more, speak less 116

Tailor what you say 116

Becoming More Interesting 116

Recognising the patterns of a conversation 117

Following the conversation as it progresses 117

Being positive 117

Making People Feel Important 119

Mirroring their language 119

Letting them take the floor 120

Putting it into action 120

Using Compliments Well 125

Making the perfect compliment 125

Accepting compliments graciously 127

Part III: Developing Killer Rapport with Body Language 129

Chapter 10: Giving Off the Right Signals 131

Looking at the Importance of Body Language 131

Body language and first impressions 132

The impact of body language 132

Getting Your Proximity Right 133

Finding the right proximity 134

Closing the gap between you 135

Making the situation more intimate 136

Cracking the Facial Language Code 137

The seven expressions 137

The power of the gaze 138

The four-second glance 140

What's in a smile? 141

Letting Your Fingers Do the Talking 143

Taking over your space and theirs 143

Getting in touch with yourself 144

Intentional touching 144

Preening in Public 146

Provocative displays 146

Hairy stuff: The role of hair play 146

Chapter 11: Letting Your Body Do the Talking 149

Filling Your Space Confidently 150

Mirroring Gestures 152

Positioning the body 153

Getting a limb in 154

Mirroring touch 155

Mirroring micro gestures 155

Reading Body Language 158

Rule of four 158

Signs revealing how they feel about you 159

Avoiding Body Language Mistakes 160

Lacking eye contact 160

Wrapping like a python 162

Leaning away 163

Letting it all hang out 163

Fiddling 164

Using Your Hands 165

Thumbs up 165

Handy info 166

Spotting a Liar 169

Recognising a bad-un through body language 170

Finding telltale clues in conversation 172

Disentangling from a liar 173

Letting Them Down Gently 174

Subtly showing you're not interested 174

Using barriers to slow them down 174

Chapter 12: Reading Secret Flirting Signals 177

Reading and Reacting to Female Flirting Signals 177

Spotting facial clues 177

Understanding proximity clues 178

Recognising tactile clues 179

Using mirroring clues 180

Noticing dress and make-up clues 181

Reading Male Flirting Signals 182

Spotting preening clues 182

Seeing where his digits point 183

Checking his spatial dominance 183

Listening for the changes 184

Part IV: Taking the Next Step 185

Chapter 13: Making the Next Move 187

Making the Next Move: The Logistics 187

Where to make the next move 188

When to make the next move 190

Leave them wanting more 191

Assessing What the Next Move Should Be 192

Asking for their number 192

Going for the kiss 193

Heading back to theirs 193

Preparing to Seduce 194

Melting with anticipation 194

Making a chemical connection 195

Being brazen 195

Becoming Intimate 196

Taking things at your pace 196

Taking precautions 197

Chapter 14: Considering Dating Rules and Relationship Advice 199

Starting an Office Romance 199

Factors to consider first 200

Office romance etiquette 200

Moving from Friends to Lovers 201

Getting in the Dating Saddle 203

Who asks whom? 203

Making arrangements 203

Getting the date off to a good start 204

Knowing when to call after the date 205

Going from Dating to a Relationship 206

Knowing if you're in it for the long term 207

Managing minor irritations 208

Sharing a little love every day 208

Chapter 15: Reducing the Risk of Rejection 209

Gaining Some Perspective on Rejection 209

Making the Right Initial Choices: A Flirting Checklist 210

Are they available? 211

Giving signs that I like them 211

Are they responding? 212

Taking Acceptable Risks 212

Who to flirt with 213

Striking up a conversation 213

Making a pass at someone 214

Getting Things Back on Track 215

Handling Rejection 216

When you're doing the rejecting 217

When you're being rejected 217

Managing rejection at work 218

Part V: The Part of Tens 221

Chapter 16: Ten (Or So) Opening Lines for Almost Any Occasion 223

Opening Lines for Men 223

Opening Lines for Women 224

Opening Lines for an Office Romance 225

Opening Lines for Complete Strangers 225

Opening Lines for Networking 225

Opening Lines for Making Friends 226

Opening Lines for Internet Dating 226

Opening Lines for Speed-dating 227

Opening Lines for the Supermarket 228

Opening Lines for a Holiday Romance 229

Chapter 17: Ten Flirting Gaffes 231

Saying the Wrong Things to a Woman 231

Saying the Wrong Things to a Man 232

Delving into Taboo Topics on a First Date 232

Writing Things You'll Regret on the Internet 233

Picking a Bad Time to Ask for a Date 233

Botching Up Who Pays the Bill 233

Choosing the Wrong Venue 234

Overreacting to Accidents 234

Bumping into the Ex 235

Looking Over Their Shoulder 235

Chapter 18: (Almost) Ten Places where Unwanted Admirers may Strike 237

At Work 238

In a Bar 238

While Networking 239

In the Street 239

In Your Circle of Friends 240

On the Internet 240

At the Office Party 241

At the Gym 241

On the Phone 242

Chapter 19: Ten Tips for Safe Flirting 243

Withhold Personal Information 243

Arrange to Meet in a Public Place 244

Take Your Flirting Slowly 244

Drink with Caution 244

Watch What You Say 245

Listen with Your Gut 245

Keep Friends on Standby 245

Find Your Own Way Home 246

Have an Emergency Plan B 246

Learn Self-defence 246

Index 247

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